Friday, April 4, 2008

Weiner Dogs, The Second Amendment, and The Squirrel Relocator

I have a backyard full of weiner dogs.
I have a backyard full of squirrels.
They lead an Israeli/Palestinian-style symbiotic existence, with each side determined to torment but not eliminate the other. If either side disappeared, how would the enemy fill up their day?
The squirrels eat the dog food, they've eaten a hammock, and weiner dogs yipping to announce the latest squirrel outrage - well, it gets pretty annoying.

I have a pellet gun. I could safely take care of my squirrel problem in about two weeks. (I hit what I aim at.) But I can't do this inside the city limits.

Aside: I know you're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition. But what's the proper way to say "I hit what I aim at"?
"I hit that at which I aim," sounds overly British. I'm the product of a rural Mississippi education....

Anyway, my 2nd amendment rights are being violated.

I've been meaning to post this video for several months. 50 years ago, these boys would've used pellet guns. Or even .22's.

Now they're forced to use....THE SQUIRREL RELOCATOR. Enjoy.


AnimalLover22 said...

I liked your post -- until you mentioned your gun. Please be nice to the squirrels. They have as much right to be there as you do.

The Whited Sepulchre said...

Not gun, but gun(s)....

I'm nicer to squirrels than anyone else I know. My squirrels are constantly entertained by the frantic weiner dogs. And they're the best fed in the neighborhood. They like the solid dog food better than the wet stuff.

Regarding the civil rights of squirrels - since they don't help out with the mortgage, they're living where they live because of the good will of the landlord.

Steve said...

How about this: When I aim, I hit the target. Or some such.

You went for the Israeli/Palestinian metaphor, but I'll take a different approach.

The relationship is indeed symbiotic. I'm going to with Republicans and Al Qaeda. Thirty years ago I would have said Republicans and Communism.

I know you and I have had this discussion before, so I'll make it brief.

The notion that the Al Qaeda prefers a Democratic nominee is purely a manufactured notion to sway flag wavers away from Democrats and maintain the endless-war scheme that benefits Republican's military-industrial donor base.

Likewise, Al Qaeda needs Republicans to remain in power to maintain bellicosity in the middle east that benefits their Saudi donor base and ensure their recruiting goals are met.

They need each other like your dogs need the squirrels. I'm guessing the squirrels are Al Qaeda in this metaphor, but I could be wrong.

The Whited Sepulchre said...

No, Steve, you nailed it....

We finally have a working metaphor. No matter how much the squirrels hate and fear the three dreaded weiners, they are smart enough to know that if the weiner dogs totally disappeared, so would the dog food. And the weiner dogs might be (but I doubt it) smart enough to know that if the squirrels disappear, then weiner dogs won't be perceived as "busy" and "doing something about the problem". (a topic that I've probably beaten to death over the last 6 months.)

Where the analogy could be expanded further would be to ask if the squirrels prefer yapping little Democrat weiner dogs, who are relatively safe and only bring down one squirrel a year, kinda like Clinton bombing Iraq only during his girlfriend problems?

Or would the squirrels prefer aggressive Republican Dobermans, dogs that might try to cut down half the trees in the yard, all in the name of thinning the squirrel population (To Pertect Amurrica's Historic Dawg Food Supply) but who intentionally leave a few trees and squirrels in place. That way, their friends in the lumberjack and tree surgeon industry can still do some business every year.

Or would the squirrels prefer some calm, reasonable, libertarian, live-and-let-live dogs like, for instance, cocker spaniels. Dogs that would intentionally rest, sleep, and nap near the dog food supply, to protect their own stuff, but who wouldn't disturb the whole damn neighborhood 24/7 raising hell about Amurrica's Squirrel Menace. Cocker Spaniels would probably resist forced redistribution of the dog food to the squirrels, but if the squirrels want to come down and ask politely, hey, they could probably work something out.

It's 3:30 in the morning. A tiny bit o' alcohol was involved in this response.

Please be gentle.