Saturday, November 16, 2013

From The Jihadist Safety Consultant, On Accidental Beheadings

To: All members of Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, The Taliban, and Al-Shabaab

From: Rickle Abu-Noir, Jihadist Safety Consultant

Subject: Workplace Safety and Beheadings

Date: 11/16/2013

It has been four years since my last email. 

Please reset your "This Shop Has Worked ____ Days Without A Lost Time Accident" calendars back to zero. 

No one in your organizations will receive a Ramadan safety bonus, all because two of your members didn't follow the rules. 

We were doing so well, and now this disaster.  You should all cover yourselves in shame, be treated as women, and be forced to live out the rest of your days eating what the heretics and unbelievers call Jimmy Dean's Pork Sausage and Baken-Ets Pork Rinds

Here is what the infidel media reported about our recent "accident":
Militant Islamist rebels in Syria linked to al-Qaeda have asked for "understanding and forgiveness" for cutting off and putting on display the wrong man's head.
In a public appearance filmed and posted online, members of Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham, one brandishing a knife, held up a bearded head before a crowd in Aleppo. They triumphantly described the execution of what they said was a member of an Iraqi Shia militia fighting for President Bashar al-Assad.
But the head was recognized from the video as originally belonging to a member of Ahrar al-Sham, a Sunni Islamist rebel group that often fights alongside ISIS though it does not share its al-Qaeda ideology.
Do any of you flea-infested lovers of syphilitic camels have any idea what this is going to do to our Worker's Compensation rates? 

Do you know how many years (not days, weeks, or months, but years!) I'll spend filling out paperwork on this incident?   When one of our own employees "accidentally" cuts off the wrong head, it becomes a bureaucratic nightmare, making ObamaCare look as simple as a Facebook status update.  A plague of OSHA inspectors, lawyers, and other vermin will descend upon us like a sandstorm. 

I swear by The Prophet Muhammad's child bride, I promise, I declare, I vow upon The Holy Koran that I will bring you miserable bastards into compliance with all safety regulations, and I will do it quickly.  There will be no more accidental decapitations of our own jihadists.  Everyone involved in this incident will have it noted in their permanent employee files, and those files will follow them into the afterlife.
This means YOU, supervisors. 

Before cutting off another infidel head, you WILL get proper identification, you WILL get fingerprints, and after starving the suspected heretic for three days you WILL tempt him with a ham sandwich and a bottle of Crown Royal, as noted in our policy manual.  Anyone showboating or taking shortcuts to impress a crowd will face disciplinary action. 

Here is more information on the incident from the Infidel media:
After inquiries, an ISIS spokesman admitted he (the man who was beheaded) was Mohammed Fares, an Ahrar commander reported missing some days ago. This could not be independently confirmed, but in an earlier video of a speech by Mr Fares, he bears a close resemblance to the severed head in the later video.
The Syrian Observatory of Human Rights, which monitors deaths in the Syrian conflict, and several activists on social media said that ISIS fighters misunderstood comments Mr Fares made referring to the Imams Ali and Hussein, the founding fathers of Shiism.

That's Mohammed Fares on the left.  People, I'm not saying this is all your fault.  If Mohammed had consistently worn his I.D. badge, he might be alive and well and firing missiles at Jews this very day.  Let this be a lesson to you all.....

This isn't just a policy problem, it is a Human Resources problem.  Are we still getting our jihadists through the temp service?  Is a simple disagreement about statements made by two Shiite Sand Preachers enough to justify cutting off the head of Mohammed Fares? 

, القرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنة

 بناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلبات

All of Mohammed's wives are pissed, and I can't blame them.  Ditto for his 18 children.  Everyone is now lawyered-up, and this case won't be closed in my lifetime.  You and your own children will live diminished lives because two of our own people got carried away and cut off the wrong damn head.

Here is a picture of two employees holding Mohammed's head, alongside a picture of Mohammed.  For the sake of Mohammed's family, his recently removed head has been blurred.  Anyone seeing the original knows the head without a body once belonged to Mohammed. 

Here's more from The Infidel Media:
The militant group tried to explain their error by referring to a story in which the prophet Mohammed said Allah would forgive a man who killed a believer by mistake. 
القرف جحيم اللعنة اللعنة العضو التناسلي النسوي اللف الإبل نذل المحبة رؤساء القرف

Maybe Allah will forgive these two.  And that's the difference between Allah and me. 

Imagine you are poor Mohammed Fares, approaching the gates of paradise, expecting to receive a martyr's reward of 72 virgins....  Is Mohammed really a martyr if he died at the hands of employees who couldn't follow procedures?  Was he sacrificed for the cause of Islam? 

It would take 72 Imams working overtime to determine if Mohammed Fares deserves 72 virgins.  In my opinion, it isn't martyrdom if you don't take an infidel into the afterlife with you.  It definitely isn't martyrdom if you were sent to meet Allah by two employees who couldn't be bothered to follow established safety procedures. 

Folks, we've got to get better. 

How will we ever successfully kill ourselves if we keep having these preventable accidents? 

Rickle Abu-Noir
Jihadist Safety Consultant

Thursday, November 14, 2013

The Gerrymanders where the west begins

Fort Worth, Texas is known as the place "where the west begins".   This post is about the Fort Worth Gerrymanders - the name I'm going to give a pro sports team if I'm ever rich enough to buy one. 

Gerrymandering is the dark art of fashioning voter districts to give one party or candidate an edge over another.  The term goes back to 1812, when Massachusetts governor Elbridge Gerry shaped some districts into the shape of something looking like a salamander.  A rival looked at the new map, agreed, and then quipped (for the ages) "It looks more like a Gerrymander". 

Here's a contemporary cartoon. 

In the USA, we have a census every 10 years.  Political districts are then re-drawn by whichever party is in power.  This is why American politicians make such a big deal of controlling Congress in the cycle after a census. 

Congress (and state legislatures) draw maps for new districts.  The party out of power always takes the issue to court, and is usually able to prove that a minority group doesn't have a proper set-aside district. 

(I once read on some typically nasty British website that the USA has two racial groups - "Black" and "Not Black".  I hate that idea, but I cannot argue with it.  To the best of my knowledge, no one has ever fought a court battle to give Asians, Scandinavians, French, Germans, etc., proper representation in government.) 

The courts then mess with it, and we wind up with districts that make Ellbridge's Gerrymander look as simple as Colorado. 

I'm Chairman of the Tarrant County Libertarian Party.  Please enjoy these maps of the Tarrant districts where I'm trying to recruit candidates for the 2014 elections.  In some races, the candidate must live in the district at the time of the election (or for some time earlier).  In others, he must commit to moving there if he wins.  All in all, candidates face a tough battle if they haven't lived in the (ahem) district for quite some time. 

Texas has its own House Of Representatives and its own Senate.  Here are the TX House districts that fall within Tarrant county.  All of these districts sensibly end at the county lines.  All of the money is in 97 and 96.  The military-industrial complex is in 99.  I think 93 is some kind of Hispanic carve-out.  To the best of my knowledge, 98 has a lot of cows.  92 is suburban sprawl.  90 is black.  95 is dark black. 
Please note 90 and 95.  What possible combination of tribalism, racism and paternalism could possibly motivate a court to draw districts like those?   

Here are the Tarrant county Texas Senate districts.  (There are 150 members of the House, but only 31 in the Senate.  Therefore, most of the Senate districts cross county lines.)

Enjoy the cartographic majesty of District 9.  It looks like there's one place in the northeast where the district is less than a block wide.  Bear in mind, this is the same county as shown above!

Here's the map for the U.S. Congressional Districts, the guys who get to go to D.C. and bring home the really big bucks.  On this map, I've shown some of the surrounding counties (Wise, Denton, Dallas, Parker and Johnson) since Congressional districts are much, much larger. 
Whoever drew District 33 sees the world through racist glasses.  He or she might love racial minorities, but no color-blind judge would've ever drawn that godawful mess on a map. 

My little tribe of liberty-lovers is doing well with candidate recruiting. 
Just wanted to post these maps so people in other countries could see the bizarre mess we're up against. 
What's sad about this process is that Black Americans often get their own "safe"district/ghetto, so there is one area, however strangely defined, where someone cares about them and their votes. 
But if these race-based districts were carved up and blended in with the rest?  There would be dozens of areas where politicians had to care about them and their votes. 
Good job, racists. 

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

The Libertarian View Of Going On Strike

IMHO, the Libertarian view of organized striking is as follows....

Anyone selling their labor and services should be free to organize, unionize, picket and strike. 

Anyone purchasing labor and services should be free to fire, terminate, retrain and replace. 

You do it all the time when you pick Burger King over McDonald's.  

No labor relations board is necessary.

You're welcome. 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Washington D.C. - Back To The Plantation

Southern plantation owners were responsible for the health, feeding, shelter, children and old-age provisions of their slaves. 

Emancipation supposedly ended all of that.  This is a good thing. 

(I don't want you or Barack to take care of my cholesterol level.  I don't want Michelle's advice and hectoring about the superiority of her damn organic garden.  I've already bought a house, and didn't need HUD to intervene between me and the previous owner. If I had the money I've "invested" in Social Security, I would already be retired, and doing quite nicely.) 

Why do so many people now want the government to behave like a plantation owner?


Monday, November 11, 2013

Happy Veteran's Day, From My Uncle Coy

I've been swamped at work, and swamped recruiting candidates for the 2014 elections.  I don't have time to come up with anything new for Veteran's Day, so here's a rerun from Memorial Day of 2012.

As people all over the world learn more and more about the benefits of Liberty, may we need fewer and fewer veterans!

During World War II, my Uncle Coy was stationed at Victory Field in Vernon, Texas.  You can go here for a lovingly created website dedicated to the memory of the place, which was closed immediately after the Allied victory in 1945.

Uncle Coy probably had some patches like these on his uniform:

Yes, lots of cartoon characters were pressed into the war effort.  (This raises a disturbing question about today's military and cartoons....Would they really want Sponge Bob Squarepants on their planes?) 

Sorry for the digression. 

For the last few years, I've had an old postcard above my desk, one that Uncle Coy wrote to my father during the war.  Uncle Coy would've been about 20 and my father was 13. 

Writing letters and postcards is almost a lost art.  We now email, instant message, Facebook, Tweet, and text.  The Aggie won't even take phone calls most of the time.  If you can't text her, give up.  She ain't talking. 

Here's the postcard.

That's a Curtis P-40 Tomahawk, according to the ultra-light print below the landing gear. 

Those of a certain age might remember the rules of letter writing.  There was 1) the salutation, 2) the opening stuff where you hope that everyone is doing well, 3) the main content, 4) the sign-off, and 5) your signature.  I haven't studied this in thirty-five years, but I think I'm close....

Men had their own rules, and I think Uncle Coy's letter is a perfect example. 
Back in the day, when men had to write a letter or postcard from the road, the battlefield, or a vacation they used this form to fill up the white space: 

1) Salutation
2) An observation about the weather
3) An observation about sports
4) An observation about hunting or fishing
5) A joke about something inappropriate - bonus points if animals were involved
6) Something about the quality and quantity of the food
7) The sign-off
8) The signature. 

What you see below is a masterpiece of the form, and I'm proud to own it.  I've got the transcription below the photocopy, just in case you can't read it.  

To: Donald Patterson, Rose Bud Arkansas,
From (Postmark): Vernon, Texas, Victory Field, July 14, 1943

1) Dear Folks,
2) Looks like we might get some rain
3) We sure have some good ball games
4) Boy that must have been some fishing trip
5) Donald, did my little heifer ever catch yours (ha)
6) I have watermelon about twice a week
7) Love,
8) Coy

I defy anyone now alive to write a postcard that covers all the bases with so few words. 

Happy Veteran"s Day, in honor of my father, his three brothers, and my father-in-law.  All five were in the U.S. military.  Uncle I.G. survived a kamikaze attack on his battleship.  Denny, my father-in-law, survived the Tet Offensive in Viet Nam. 
This is their day.  Hope it's a good one for you, and if you know someone stationed overseas, send them a postcard. 

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Are there any major problems not caused by government?

Gallup periodically surveys Americans about the worst problems facing the nation.  They divide the questions between economic and social issues. 

Here are the top economic concerns. 

Let's start at the top.  What caused our current economic doldrums?  Was it the policies of Bush or Obama?  Or does it go all the way back to Alexander Freakin' Hamilton wanting a strong central bank?  For today's purposes, let's say that the economic slump was caused by government. 

Number two on the list is our staggering debt level.  Which organization caused the Federal debt?  Starbucks?  The Koch brothers?  Wal-Mart?  Fox News?  Nope.  The government. 

Number three is unemployment and jobs.  If there were no minimum wage, all labor markets would clear.  There would be something for everyone to do, with the exception of the handicapped, disabled, and Keynesian economists.  Prices for everything would drop.  It happens that way with every other commodity, and labor is no exception. 

Number four.  Lack of money?  Hell, Ben Bernanke is print another 65 billion dollars every month !! There's plenty of money!!  Perhaps those surveyed meant that money their money is now worth less and less, a problem caused by the Federal Reserve.  Or maybe they intended to say that they don't have enough money to buy certain things whose prices have skyrocketed.  Same crime, same perpetrator. 

Taxes?  That problem isn't caused by the Lions Club. 

Wage issues are usually a personal problem, not a problem necessarily caused by Washington.  There is no alternative universe where low-skilled labor is valued as much as high-skilled labor.  However, the Teleprompter Jesus and his disciples are now lobbying for a minimum wage increase that will price even more low-skilled labor out of the market.  That will make "wage issues" even more of a problem caused by government.  I know that if Obama works hard enough, he can eventually make this worse.   

There is a significant gap between the rich and poor, and it will continue to grow.  100 years ago, most of your customers, my customers, Bill Gates' customers and my readers lived within a few miles of you, me and Bill Gates.  We now reach the world.  If you're the best at what you do, the world is your oyster.  (I'm not the best, but Gates is, and you might be.)  However, there is another group of the wealthy that prospers because of theft.  15 of the 22 wealthiest counties in the US are those surrounding Washington D.C.   

Corporate corruption is not a problem caused by government.  However, government spends a fortune regulating corporations, policing the stock market, and such.  I can't think of a single episode where, say, the Securities and Exchange Commission stepped in ahead of time and prevented a Lehman Brothers or Bernie Madoff debacle. 

The others aren't enough of a concern to justify comment.  But I have to sound off on the "trade deficit".  For the 10,000th time, the trade deficit is a bogus number.  If we buy cars from Japan, we give them dollars.  They use these dollars to buy wheat.  When Japan buys wheat from the USA, they give us yen.  We use those yen to purchase cars.  It is balanced.  Nobody's ledger is in a deficit.  (There is something called the "current accounts deficit" which occurs when your politicians concern themselves with producing voters instead of goods and services.  Different problem.) 

Here are our top social concerns:

IMHO, the only two categories on this list that aren't caused by Uncle Sam are "Ethical/Moral Decline" and "Lack Of Respect For Each Other". 

Let's look at those two a little closer - moral decline and lack of respect.  Imagine a grocery store that short-changes its customers.  One where the meat goes rancid within two days of sale.  Dream up a grocery store that routinely pays employees for only 39 hours of a 45-hour week.  How long would that grocery store be in business? 

It would close within a few months.  No government intervention would be necessary.  Word gets out.  You have to respect your customers, your vendors, your employees - those who purchase your merchandise, provide your merchandise, and those whose labor your trade for.  Otherwise, you will go under.  That's how and why our various moral and ethical systems have evolved. 

Next, imagine a president who routinely lies about his policies and his intentions

Would you purchase anything this man is selling? 

Very few other people would buy his crap either. 

Fox News has published a different survey suggesting that "dysfunctional government" is the number one concern in the nation. 
I don't know how this is possible.
It seems that our biggest problems are caused when our government functions perfectly and can get things done.