From The Jihadist Safety Consultant, On Accidental Beheadings

To: All members of Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, The Taliban, and Al-Shabaab

From: Rickle Abu-Noir, Jihadist Safety Consultant

Subject: Workplace Safety and Beheadings

Date: 11/16/2013

It has been four years since my last email. 

Please reset your "This Shop Has Worked ____ Days Without A Lost Time Accident" calendars back to zero. 

No one in your organizations will receive a Ramadan safety bonus, all because two of your members didn't follow the rules. 

We were doing so well, and now this disaster.  You should all cover yourselves in shame, be treated as women, and be forced to live out the rest of your days eating what the heretics and unbelievers call Jimmy Dean's Pork Sausage and Baken-Ets Pork Rinds. 

Here is what the infidel media reported about our recent "accident":

Militant Islamist rebels in Syria linked to al-Qaeda have asked for "understanding and forgiveness" for cutting off and putting on display the wrong man's head.

In a public appearance filmed and posted online, members of Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham, one brandishing a knife, held up a bearded head before a crowd in Aleppo. They triumphantly described the execution of what they said was a member of an Iraqi Shia militia fighting for President Bashar al-Assad.

But the head was recognized from the video as originally belonging to a member of Ahrar al-Sham, a Sunni Islamist rebel group that often fights alongside ISIS though it does not share its al-Qaeda ideology.

Do any of you flea-infested lovers of syphilitic camels have any idea what this is going to do to our Worker's Compensation rates? 

Do you know how many years (not days, weeks, or months, but years!) I'll spend filling out paperwork on this incident?   When one of our own employees "accidentally" cuts off the wrong head, it becomes a bureaucratic nightmare, making ObamaCare look as simple as a Facebook status update.  A plague of OSHA inspectors, lawyers, and other vermin will descend upon us like a sandstorm. 

I swear by The Prophet Muhammad's child bride, I promise, I declare, I vow upon The Holy Koran that I will bring you miserable bastards into compliance with all safety regulations, and I will do it quickly.  There will be no more accidental decapitations of our own jihadists.  Everyone involved in this incident will have it noted in their permanent employee files, and those files will follow them into the afterlife.
 
This means YOU, supervisors. 

Before cutting off another infidel head, you WILL get proper identification, you WILL get fingerprints, and after starving the suspected heretic for three days you WILL tempt him with a ham sandwich and a bottle of Crown Royal, as noted in our policy manual.  Anyone showboating or taking shortcuts to impress a crowd will face disciplinary action. 

Here is more information on the incident from the Infidel media:

After inquiries, an ISIS spokesman admitted he (the man who was beheaded) was Mohammed Fares, an Ahrar commander reported missing some days ago. This could not be independently confirmed, but in an earlier video of a speech by Mr Fares, he bears a close resemblance to the severed head in the later video.
 

The Syrian Observatory of Human Rights, which monitors deaths in the Syrian conflict, and several activists on social media said that ISIS fighters misunderstood comments Mr Fares made referring to the Imams Ali and Hussein, the founding fathers of Shiism.

That's Mohammed Fares on the left.  People, I'm not saying this is all your fault.  If Mohammed had consistently worn his I.D. badge, he might be alive and well and firing missiles at Jews this very day.  Let this be a lesson to you all.....

This isn't just a policy problem, it is a Human Resources problem.  Are we still getting our jihadists through the temp service?  Is a simple disagreement about statements made by two Shiite Sand Preachers enough to justify cutting off the head of Mohammed Fares? 

, القرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنة

 بناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلبات

All of Mohammed's wives are pissed, and I can't blame them.  Ditto for his 18 children.  Everyone is now lawyered-up, and this case won't be closed in my lifetime.  You and your own children will live diminished lives because two of our own people got carried away and cut off the wrong damn head.

Here is a picture of two employees holding Mohammed's head, alongside a picture of Mohammed.  For the sake of Mohammed's family, his recently removed head has been blurred.  Anyone seeing the original knows the head without a body once belonged to Mohammed. 

Here's more from The Infidel Media:

The militant group tried to explain their error by referring to a story in which the prophet Mohammed said Allah would forgive a man who killed a believer by mistake. 

القرف جحيم اللعنة اللعنة العضو التناسلي النسوي اللف الإبل نذل المحبة رؤساء القرف

Maybe Allah will forgive these two.  And that's the difference between Allah and me. 

Imagine you are poor Mohammed Fares, approaching the gates of paradise, expecting to receive a martyr's reward of 72 virgins....  Is Mohammed really a martyr if he died at the hands of employees who couldn't follow procedures?  Was he sacrificed for the cause of Islam? 

It would take 72 Imams working overtime to determine if Mohammed Fares deserves 72 virgins.  In my opinion, it isn't martyrdom if you don't take an infidel into the afterlife with you.  It definitely isn't martyrdom if you were sent to meet Allah by two employees who couldn't be bothered to follow established safety procedures. 

Folks, we've got to get better. 

How will we ever successfully kill ourselves if we keep having these preventable accidents? 

Rickle Abu-Noir
Jihadist Safety Consultant

Be sure to thank the people who didn't try to make it happen

If you're a tech geek, you've seen this picture.  Let's start at the top left and go clockwise.  There's a videocam, a primitive jam box, a radio, an electric typewriter, a calculator, some VHS tapes, a VCR, some things I don't recognize, a digital recorder, a pager, and a camera. 

We now have this.  It'll do everything shown above, will fit in your pocket, will probably last longer, and it costs a fraction of the gizmos shown above.  I'm not a techno-geek, and I've given up on going after the best stuff, so the phone I arbitrarily posted below is probably out-of-date already. 

I've got a 3 or 4 year old Blackberry knockoff, and I'm still getting accustomed to the joy of pulling up "Map" and typing in "Haircut" or "bar" or "bourbon" and being directed to the nearest supplier. 

Here's something from Gizmodo:

A company called Ampex put out the first "home entertainment" VTR in 1963, only it cost $30,000 in the Neiman Marcus Christmas catalog, and was nicknamed Grant's Tomb because the product manager who thought it up was going to be shoved inside by the company's accountants. (He would have fit, too, the thing was so big.) Sony comes along in the middle of that decade and puts out a $1,200 "portable" VTR that came with a leatherette case and its own TV. It still weighed 65 pounds.

No one intended the glorious destruction of the VCR/VHS/tape recorder/typewriter industry.  It just kinda happened.  People wanted to make money.  Others were just tinkerers.  And for the most part, they were left alone.  There was no Central Planner in Washington, overseeing the evolution of what you probably have in your pocket or purse.  No Technology Czar carefully planning each step of the demolition of BetaMax.   (Had there been a Technology Czar, you would still be watching  Betamax or VHS tapes, at best.  Do some reading on Regulatory Capture.  Regulators and Czars almost always wind up protecting the status quo.) 

Here's a good summary of the undersigned, unplanned and spontaneous social order that many of us are still fortunate enough to live in.  Don Boudreaux at his best:

"....many people simply cannot conceive of social order that isn’t consciously designed and enforced by some secular creator (that is, by the state).  Most people are secular theists regarding social order.  Order must, for secular theists, be the result of a some higher power that designs, intends, imposes, and guides willfully the order that we see about us.  Without a higher secular power designing and keeping control of things, chaos or near-chaos would necessarily reign.

Get rid of this secular deity – or suffer it to fall under the influence of secular devils (for American “Progressives,” those devils today are tea-partiers) – and society must deteriorate.  Rules of the road would wither away, or certainly not be enforced; roads themselves would never be built; the electromagnetic spectrum would become a commons tragically overused (and, hence, rendered useless) by countless broadcasters scrambling for airtime; and automobiles – were they to exist at all – would be horrible death traps.

The great insight of the social sciences – which too few social scientists themselves get – is that society, to the extent that it is complex and functional, is necessarily the result of human action but not of human design.

Reasonable people can and do dispute how much sovereign intention and design are necessary or worthwhile to tweak, modify, polish, protect, top-off the emergent social order that not only did government not design but couldn’t possibly have even begun to design.*  But it is totally false and wrongheaded – yet it is the dominant view of almost everyone – that most of the economic and social order that we experience about us is the result of government and, hence, would necessarily disappear or collapse into disarray were government to disappear or fail to perform its duty well.

Sadly, most people are apparently just incapable of understanding that almost all social order emerges undesigned and unplanned.  Most people are and seemingly will remain naive secular creationists, ignorant that the forces of natural selection and evolution are constantly at play in society, and that these force are usually only thwarted or distorted by attempts to engineer society from on high.  And (here’s an irony) this sad ignorance of the nature of society afflicts even – perhaps especially – those people who have no difficulty understanding that very complex, beautiful, and highly functional non-social orders (such as biological order and the order of the cosmos) emerge unplanned and undesigned."

So next time you make a phone call, record a video, post a FB photo, send a text, snap a picture, get directions, post a blog rant, or watch a DVD, be sure to thank the person in Washington D.C. who didn't try to make it all happen. 

In which Charlie Delta uncovers a government scam....

My friend Charlie Delta over at the Gotta Get Drunk First blog was involved in a traffic accident in Kalifornia, the land of his birth.  Charlie Delta rear-ended a government employee.  At 3 miles per hour. 

There was no damage to either vehicle. 

Go here to read an account of the accident.  This doesn't require a profanity alert, it requires a profanity radiation suit, as CD doesn't suffer fools or the Department of Transportation (pardon the redundancy) lightly. 

But here's the catch....I spend more than a little bit of time examining false accident reports.  Somehow, a repair shop someplace has billed Kalifornia for $896.00 to repair non-existent damage to the front end of the car.  CD never mentions the magnitude of the obvious scam that some of Kalifornia's public servants are pulling.  There had to be at least three people in on this racket - the driver, a patrolman, and a supervisor.  The repair shop is getting money from the taxpayers, and then they're turning around and trying to collect it again from CD.  They figured his insurance company wouldn't care.  Amazing. 

I mean, hell, if those people want to elect Jerry Brown as governor, they're getting what they deserve. 

Unfortunate statement about the Ted Kennedy senate seat

Here's Chris Van Hollen of Maryland, chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, on the possibility of a non-Democrat winning the Ted Kennedy senate seat:

"Why would you hand the keys to the car back to the same guys whose policies drove the economy into the ditch and then walked away from the scene of the accident?”

I don't know why we would give the keys to someone like that. Tradition, maybe?

Grouchy Old Cripple in skiing accident - Get well soon, Denny !

My friend Denny, of the Grouchy Old Cripple site, was in a skiing accident a few days ago and suffered a subdural hematoma.

A crippled guy in a skiing accident? Well, you haven't met Denny. Look at the third pic from the top of his site.
Now that it looks like Denny will be ok, I'd like to make the following obervation. If you hit this link, it lists these symptoms of a subdural hematoma:

Confused speech
Difficulty with balance or walking
Headache
Lethargy or confusion
Loss of consciousness
Nausea and vomiting
Numbness
Seizures
Slurred speech
Visusal disturbances
Weakness

Those are the symptoms displayed by just about everyone who attends Denny's Camp Blownstar blogger meetup ! If anyone at a Grouchy Old Cripple event had a Subdural Hematoma, how could they tell ??

Get well soon, buddy. Heaven's not gonna have you, and hell is full of liberals progressives.

Caption Contest - Slicing And Dicing Edition

I need a caption for this picture.



ASM826 won the previous contest.

Photo came from here.

Barack Obama Speaks The Truth ! ! !

Here are some little snippets from President Barack Obama's speech today at Georgetown University, little instances where, intentionally or not, he spoke the truth :


I know that some have accused us of taking on too much at once....


Now, some have argued that this recovery plan is a case of irresponsible government spending....


Of course, there are some who argue that the government should stand back and simply let these banks fail....


And although there are a lot of Americans who understandably think that government money would be better spent going directly to families and businesses instead of banks....


Some have argued that we shouldn't attempt such a transition until the economy recovers....


Now, I realize that for some, this isn't enough. I know there is a criticism out there that my administration has somehow been spending with reckless abandon, pushing a liberal social agenda while mortgaging our children's future....


There are times when the man really does know what he's talking about.