From The Jihadist Safety Consultant, On Accidental Beheadings

To: All members of Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, The Taliban, and Al-Shabaab

From: Rickle Abu-Noir, Jihadist Safety Consultant

Subject: Workplace Safety and Beheadings

Date: 11/16/2013

It has been four years since my last email. 

Please reset your "This Shop Has Worked ____ Days Without A Lost Time Accident" calendars back to zero. 

No one in your organizations will receive a Ramadan safety bonus, all because two of your members didn't follow the rules. 

We were doing so well, and now this disaster.  You should all cover yourselves in shame, be treated as women, and be forced to live out the rest of your days eating what the heretics and unbelievers call Jimmy Dean's Pork Sausage and Baken-Ets Pork Rinds. 

Here is what the infidel media reported about our recent "accident":

Militant Islamist rebels in Syria linked to al-Qaeda have asked for "understanding and forgiveness" for cutting off and putting on display the wrong man's head.

In a public appearance filmed and posted online, members of Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham, one brandishing a knife, held up a bearded head before a crowd in Aleppo. They triumphantly described the execution of what they said was a member of an Iraqi Shia militia fighting for President Bashar al-Assad.

But the head was recognized from the video as originally belonging to a member of Ahrar al-Sham, a Sunni Islamist rebel group that often fights alongside ISIS though it does not share its al-Qaeda ideology.

Do any of you flea-infested lovers of syphilitic camels have any idea what this is going to do to our Worker's Compensation rates? 

Do you know how many years (not days, weeks, or months, but years!) I'll spend filling out paperwork on this incident?   When one of our own employees "accidentally" cuts off the wrong head, it becomes a bureaucratic nightmare, making ObamaCare look as simple as a Facebook status update.  A plague of OSHA inspectors, lawyers, and other vermin will descend upon us like a sandstorm. 

I swear by The Prophet Muhammad's child bride, I promise, I declare, I vow upon The Holy Koran that I will bring you miserable bastards into compliance with all safety regulations, and I will do it quickly.  There will be no more accidental decapitations of our own jihadists.  Everyone involved in this incident will have it noted in their permanent employee files, and those files will follow them into the afterlife.
 
This means YOU, supervisors. 

Before cutting off another infidel head, you WILL get proper identification, you WILL get fingerprints, and after starving the suspected heretic for three days you WILL tempt him with a ham sandwich and a bottle of Crown Royal, as noted in our policy manual.  Anyone showboating or taking shortcuts to impress a crowd will face disciplinary action. 

Here is more information on the incident from the Infidel media:

After inquiries, an ISIS spokesman admitted he (the man who was beheaded) was Mohammed Fares, an Ahrar commander reported missing some days ago. This could not be independently confirmed, but in an earlier video of a speech by Mr Fares, he bears a close resemblance to the severed head in the later video.
 

The Syrian Observatory of Human Rights, which monitors deaths in the Syrian conflict, and several activists on social media said that ISIS fighters misunderstood comments Mr Fares made referring to the Imams Ali and Hussein, the founding fathers of Shiism.

That's Mohammed Fares on the left.  People, I'm not saying this is all your fault.  If Mohammed had consistently worn his I.D. badge, he might be alive and well and firing missiles at Jews this very day.  Let this be a lesson to you all.....

This isn't just a policy problem, it is a Human Resources problem.  Are we still getting our jihadists through the temp service?  Is a simple disagreement about statements made by two Shiite Sand Preachers enough to justify cutting off the head of Mohammed Fares? 

, القرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنة

 بناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلبات

All of Mohammed's wives are pissed, and I can't blame them.  Ditto for his 18 children.  Everyone is now lawyered-up, and this case won't be closed in my lifetime.  You and your own children will live diminished lives because two of our own people got carried away and cut off the wrong damn head.

Here is a picture of two employees holding Mohammed's head, alongside a picture of Mohammed.  For the sake of Mohammed's family, his recently removed head has been blurred.  Anyone seeing the original knows the head without a body once belonged to Mohammed. 

Here's more from The Infidel Media:

The militant group tried to explain their error by referring to a story in which the prophet Mohammed said Allah would forgive a man who killed a believer by mistake. 

القرف جحيم اللعنة اللعنة العضو التناسلي النسوي اللف الإبل نذل المحبة رؤساء القرف

Maybe Allah will forgive these two.  And that's the difference between Allah and me. 

Imagine you are poor Mohammed Fares, approaching the gates of paradise, expecting to receive a martyr's reward of 72 virgins....  Is Mohammed really a martyr if he died at the hands of employees who couldn't follow procedures?  Was he sacrificed for the cause of Islam? 

It would take 72 Imams working overtime to determine if Mohammed Fares deserves 72 virgins.  In my opinion, it isn't martyrdom if you don't take an infidel into the afterlife with you.  It definitely isn't martyrdom if you were sent to meet Allah by two employees who couldn't be bothered to follow established safety procedures. 

Folks, we've got to get better. 

How will we ever successfully kill ourselves if we keep having these preventable accidents? 

Rickle Abu-Noir
Jihadist Safety Consultant

The New York Times gets a clue

Here's a drawing of a very small fraction of a sliver of a percentage of the people who have "disappeared" in Mexico's fight against the drug cartels. 

It's from The New York Holy Times.  Hit the link.  Please read it if you get a chance. 

If a Statist organization as fundamentally dense as The New York Times can figure out that we need to end the Drug War, and the cartels' monopolies, and end the violence, and reduce the spending, and release the prisoners, and let people consume what they want to consume....

Can our politicians be too far behind? 

Keep up the good fight, freedom-fighters !!!   Everyone else, as long as you support Washington D.C. and Austin Texas Prohibitionists, these people have died for your sins. 

From The Jihadist Safety Consultant, on appropriate methods of martyrdom

To: All employees, jihadists, Al-Qaeda operatives, and former associates of the late Abdullah Hassan Taleh Al Asiri

From: Rickle Abu-Noir, Jihadist Safety Consultant

Re: Appropriate methods of martyrdom

Please reset your "This Shop Has Worked ____ Days Without A Lost Time Accident" calendars back to zero. We were doing so well, and now this disaster.
It has been more than a year since I was forced by your carelessness to send a safety memo. I encourage you to refresh your memories now, and read my previous message.

I write and write and write, and you ignore my warnings. Do any of you think first before trying to kill yourself? Abdullah Hassan Taleh Al Asiri sent himself into the next life in a shameful manner, and we have nothing to show for it.

Here is a mocking account of Asiri's death from the infidel media:

JEDDAH – Suicide bomber Abdullah Asiri had inserted around half a kilogram of explosives into his own body to carry out his failed assassination attempt of Prince Muhammad Bin Naif, Assistant Minister of Interior for Security Affairs, last week.

Like many of you, I wondered how Asiri could have ingested a half kilo of explosives. Did he eat it with his falafel? With some nice pita bread? Was it a potluck event in the jihadist breakroom? I was impressed with his creativity until the next paragraph:

As more details emerged of the events surrounding the attack that took place at the Prince’s home in Obhur, sources told Okaz newspaper Friday that Asiri’s mobile telephone was equipped with two SIM cards, one of which was used to call members of the terrorist organization in Yemen, and the other to detonate the device located inside Abdullah Hassan Asiri’s rectum via a call from the group.

As you know, this type of perversion is against the laws of Islam. It is a stench in the nostrils of Allah. It even offends the Baptists of Texas, so may the fleas of ten thousand camels nestle in Asiri's enlarged nether regions for all eternity.

What made you people think this would be effective?

According to sources, Asiri told palace officials while waiting for Prince Muhammad to arrive that he would have to “have a lie down” due to fatigue if the Prince was late, something which analysts say could have been due to the presence of the explosives in his body.

Asiri had reportedly not eaten nor consumed any liquid for 40 hours, fearing that they might disturb the effect of the explosives. Asiri reportedly waited less than an hour until the arrival of Prince Muhammad and the Prince sat next to him in an uncustomary position in a corner of the room to hear him better, only an arm-rest separating them.

it could have been due to the presence of the explosives? Could have been?? Ya think ??? I swear by Muhammad's child bride, I vow, I declare that I will bring you people into compliance with all safety regulations, and I will do it quickly.
From now on, let it be understood that it is impossible, impossible, impossible to allow a half kilo of explosives and a detonator to enter your exit, and then walk around for 40 hours without experiencing fatigue. The experience will quickly become tiresome.
Any questions? Good.

This is from yet another infidel, swine eating website:

It said the attacker concealed the explosives in his anus, allowing him to evade detection.
The network also quoted an expert as saying that the method of concealment aimed the blast away from the target, while blowing the bomber to bits....

Did Asiri not remember that his American-loving, jihadist-hating target is also a (false) follower of Muhammed? Did Asiri forget that he had a convenient excuse to kneel on the floor with his nose pointed toward Mecca and his ass toward his target?
No. Asiri obviously turned his master blaster away from his target, letting loose the most destructive fart since Allah shat forth the Zagros Mountain Range.

But like many of us in the days after the feast of Eid-ul-Fitr, he released nothing but noise and wind.
And small bits if Asiri.
Do not think we are through discussing this incident yet. We have a video of the clownish Asiri, bragging about the detonator that is about to go In Through His Out Door, may Allah vomit upon his perverted soul.



Does anyone else notice anything unusual about Asiri in this video? Notice that Asiri may have spent more time bonding with his mother than his father? Notice that his clothing is immaculate? Notice the undisguised joy with which he is holding the detonator? Do you think Asiri's tent might have tasteful track lighting, color-coordinated rugs, some Barbra Streisand CD's and a Shih-Tzu? Most of you would be terrified of having someone shove electronics into your back passage.

Asiri seems delighted.

Asiri volunteered for this mission because he liked it, you fools. He was an ass bandit of the worst sort. Yes, one of you packed a half kilo of explosives into his camel padding, but most of it leaked out long before he approached his target. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT select someone for this type of martyrdom if his rear end has been used as a Hamster Habitrail.

I don't think Asiri died thinking of 72 female virgins.

This was a huge disappointment and it embarrassed us all over the world. Please remember the primary goal of our organization: Martyrdom, Martyrdom, Martyrdom.
But Allah doesn't like it if you like it.

Sincerely,

Rickle Abu-Noir
Jihadist Safety Consultant

From The Jihadist Safety Consultant

To: All Employees
Fr: Rickle Abu-Noir, Jihadist Safety Consultant
Re: Recent Accidents

As many of you know, we have had a series of preventable accidents in the last few days. Both situations were due to employees failing to follow established procedure.
We have security video of the first mishap.
In this accident, a group of employees are attempting to bury an IED near a well-travelled highway.
Note that the employees are not wearing their safety glasses. The camels in the background are not properly equipped with seat belts, nor are there any chocks nearby to keep the camels from sliding forward. And is anyone in this video wearing his back brace? I don't think so.
All of these regulations were covered during orientation, and the training records are part of each employee's personnel file.

Accidents like this one are the primary cause of skyrocketing insurance premiums. And turbans. (That's what passes for humor in the Safety Consultant field.)
If any employees believe that Allah will reward these accident victims with 72 virgins, they are mistaken.
Touching the red wire to the red wire is not martyrdom, but suicide.
Folks, it's not martyrdom unless you take an Infidel with you.

Please reset your "This Shop Has Worked ____ Days Without A Lost Time Accident" calendars back to zero.

The next accident was clearly caused by using the wrong tool for the job.
No matter how many photographers are nearby, no matter how patiently you've waited for CNN to get the lighting right, you should always wear your protective heat shields when burning an American flag. And policy 35-3-C-057-(b) specifically states that American flags should not be lit by using table matches, cigarette lighters, or any other improvised ignition systems.
The policy clearly states that only blowtorches are to be used.

People, the point of the exercise is to burn the flag, not to look good doing it. Get the job done, and move on to the next project.

Many of our employees apparently believe that the point of flag burning is to be seen and admired by co-workers. In the photo below, try to calculate the number of man-hours lost to this one operation:

Then ask yourself, where are everyone's I.D. badges? Where is Mahmoud's safety helmet? And who said it was ok to have that kid in the workplace?

In this picture, taken a few seconds later, the flames have spread to Mahmoud's shoulder. This led to yet another disappointment. None of the factory inspections were up-to-date; therefore the only fire extinguisher was in the nearest village, eight miles away. My subsequent investigation revealed that it was last serviced and recharged in 1987.

In the final photograph, the flames are engulfing Mahmoud's face.

His co-workers eventually put out the fire with a combination of dirt, sand, camel manure, and blankets. When I visited the hospital to complete the Accident Reports (which, BTW, were turned in before noon the next day), he was resting comfortably.

Please allow me to be blunt here. Mahmoud has been horribly disfigured, and unless he can figure out a way to die while killing infidels, he's had his last virgin. The man needs to wear a burkha.

The last few days have been a disappointment. Please remember the primary goal of our organization: Martyrdom, Martyrdom, Martyrdom.

But how will we ever succesfully kill ourselves if we keep having all of these preventable accidents?

Let's hope July is a better month.

Sincerely,

Rickle Abu-Noir

Jihadist Safety Consultant