The Last Blog Post - "Don't Be Safe"

This is a tough one to write, for emotional, physical, and coordination reasons....
A few months ago, I started having problems driving, walking, and accomplishing basic tasks.  After a quick trip to the ER,I was diagnosed with some nasty brain tumors.
So this is it, folks.....
Starting this website has been one of the best decisions I've ever made.  I't's gotten me politically involved, and has earned me friends and readers all over the world.
Im' gonna try really hard not go get too maudlin or sentimental here....

For the last 20 years or so, I've been responsible for running my company's morning Production Meeting.  I never figured out why I was the one to do it.   Perhaps it's because I'm the guy who hates meetings the most, and I was always able to keep the thing moving along at a decent pace.

Several years ago, some of our owners went to a trade show that featured some presenters from Disney.
The Disney people said that their #1 priority was to "Be Safe".
Well, that's bullshit.
Their #1 priority is to bring happiness to families everywhere" (you can look it up -- it's in their mission statement).
You don't dress a teenager up like Tinkerbell and zipline her from Cindederella's Castle to the top of The Matterhorn every night if your #1 priority is to be safe.
That's what you do if you want to be awesome.
Anyway,because of the report on the Disney speakers,  I got into a rut of saying "Be Safe" at the end of every meeting  It was our Amen,our dismissal, and our Benediction.  .  If I could take a "Do Over" on anything I've done at work in the last few years, it would be to come up with another closing line to use at the end of that meeting.

People once told my father that if he ever started growing and irrigating rice on his farm, it would poison the land.  Because of his decision to go ahead with a new rice  crop instead of cotton and sobybeans, I got to see The Colisseum in Rome.  I got to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.
Because Darrell Cooper Sr decided to have some "Entrepreneurial Seizures", I've had the glorious privilege of seeing the sun come up twice on the same day while flying over the Great Wall Of China.
So what should I have said for the last 20 years?
How about "Be Wise?"  "Be Cautious"?
I dunno.
But I'm now working with a very short clock, so to speak.  If I fit into the statistical norms, I've got anywhere from 15 to 18 months to be around.   I know that the first time I sat down with my daughter at a Blackjack table and saw her split 10's against a dealer Ace, that she would do just fine.  She was going to be ok.  She was going to terrify me, but she wasn't going to be held back by anything or anybody.
She will never (in TS Eliot
's phrase)  measure out her life with coffee spoons.  She's going to live it up to 11 every chance she gets.
So please don't ever, ever waste another minute of your wonderful life with "being safe"Take risks.
 Destroy your perrectly laid-out shop and put in a Specialty Department. (Hello Ray!!) Get involved in politics and put Mary Kelleher to work disrupting the most corrupt institution in Fort Worth  .Raise Hell.  Find some activists to associate with, and bang some pots and pans together in the street.  WIN the Fort Worth Gay Pride parade  and then wake up the nest morning to staff your booth at a gun rights show.  I promise you that if you ever get brain tumors everyone of of those beautiful people you meet will come see you in the hospital.
And yes, I'm very much aware that I'm one of the few people I know who has had to use a helicopter pilot as a designated driver.
That's part of the package.  (Yeah, there probably is some middle ground between getting drunk enough to see dead people and "Being safe".)
I'm writing this post with a head full of creepy-crawlies, and sorry for the lack of spelling, grammar, and coherence.
But folk, please don't ever, ever, ever waste your time in being too safe.
You know that idea you have of a better way to fix broken windshields?  Do it.  Start that business.  That book you've always wanted to write?  Those earrings you want to start designing to sell online?
Do it now.  Yeah, people might laugh.  Who cares?  There will always be people willing to wait in line to laugh at your ambitions.  Let them be the ones to be safe.
Whether you know it or not, you too, are working with a short clock.
If you can to one thing right now for me or for yourself, don't be safe.
It's been real.
Don't be safe.

On PHF's (Potentially Hazardous Foods)

I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving! 
I know that I did....   6 parties/meals/events, and I gained about 5 pounds. 

Now it's time for a rant. 

My employer, Jukt Micronics, threw a Thanksgiving meal/party for the employees in each shop.  Several of the employees brought additional food from home. 

The main course was something called "Carnitas", which Bing defines as "a dish of Mexican cuisine. Carnitas are made by braising or simmering pork meat in oil or preferably lard until tender. The process takes three or four hours and the result is very tender and juicy pork meat, which is then typically served with chopped coriander leaves and diced onion, salsa, guacamole, tortillas, and refried beans."

Heck yes.  These were some authentic old-school Carnitas.  No one was injured. 

Later on in the week, we had a Supervisor's Lunch.  All food was brought from home by the Supervisors or their spouses. 
Everyone who brought something brought enough to feed about 5 other people. 
It was awesome. 
No one was injured. 

A few days later, I went to Gainesville TX, for the legit Thanksgiving meal with my youngest sister, her husband, and his extended family. 
They cooked almost all of the food.  My mother (that's her with the whitish hair and blue sweater in the Supervisor Lunch picture) did the rest.  That's her again, in the next pic, on the far left at my sister's house. 
She has taught me a deep and abiding love of food, groceries, meals, cooking, plants, animals, spices, and anything else that's edible. 
Once again, no one was harmed....

Thanksgiving night, some friends of mine from a local bar threw something that they call "Friendsgiving". 
It was awesome.  100% of the food was prepared by my friends and their families. 
No one was harmed, although I DID overindulge in bourbon, and have sworn off it for several weeks. 

There was one other event centered around a west-side bar....,
And then another friend of mine threw another party Saturday night. 
Both occasions featured plenty of food from homes. 
No one had his stomach pumped.  (That's a total of 6 Thanksgiving parties, in case you're keeping score....)

So what's my point in all this? 

Here's a letter that my shop received several months ago from the Consumer Health Division of the City of Fort Worth.  It's totally unrelated to Thanksgiving.  We got the letter back in April. 
I've hung onto it for occasions when I'm in a bad mood and want to make it worse.

To: The Woodshop Manager

"Spoke with production manager (Blank Blank) and he stated that female employees do sell sandwiches, Barbacoa (that's Messican BQ) and hot dogs."

"Complaint Confirmed.  Warning issued to all 3 employees.  There was no sign of any PHF's onsite (Potentially Hazardous Foods - prepared from home)."

"One employee admitted they sell about 5 burritos a day."

"Explained to each employee that it was illegal of prepare foods @ home and sell them to the public.  If another complaint happens, a citation will be issued to the individuals selling prepared foods."

Signed - Consumer Health Specialist 

Let me rewrite that letter for you, ok? 

To: The Woodshop Manager, who at this point is now my bitch,

It's painfully obvious to anyone who thinks about it for more than a few seconds that people are quite capable of making good choices about what to eat, what to buy, and whose cooking they trust.   

However, my job gives me the right, and the responsibility, to hassle people about what foods they sell. 

Tens of millions of people consume PHF's (Potentially Hazardous Foods) prepared from home without giving the City Of Fort Worth's Consumer Health Division a kickback money for a food-handler's permit or a license to sell burritos. 

The quality and safety of the food doesn't improve at all as a result of my job, or the kickbacks licenses and permits. 

But if you complain about this visit, my buddies in other City Hall departments will hassle you about your water runoff quality, your factory's air emissions, your habit of parking in the vacant lot next door that's not zoned for parking, or any of the thousands of other niggling little things we could use to make your life miserable. 

So get out of the burrito and barbacoa business, or give me some money. 

Signed - One Of Your Many Lords And Masters

I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving!!
 

From The Jihadist Safety Consultant, On Accidental Beheadings

To: All members of Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, The Taliban, and Al-Shabaab

From: Rickle Abu-Noir, Jihadist Safety Consultant

Subject: Workplace Safety and Beheadings

Date: 11/16/2013

It has been four years since my last email. 

Please reset your "This Shop Has Worked ____ Days Without A Lost Time Accident" calendars back to zero. 

No one in your organizations will receive a Ramadan safety bonus, all because two of your members didn't follow the rules. 

We were doing so well, and now this disaster.  You should all cover yourselves in shame, be treated as women, and be forced to live out the rest of your days eating what the heretics and unbelievers call Jimmy Dean's Pork Sausage and Baken-Ets Pork Rinds. 

Here is what the infidel media reported about our recent "accident":

Militant Islamist rebels in Syria linked to al-Qaeda have asked for "understanding and forgiveness" for cutting off and putting on display the wrong man's head.

In a public appearance filmed and posted online, members of Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham, one brandishing a knife, held up a bearded head before a crowd in Aleppo. They triumphantly described the execution of what they said was a member of an Iraqi Shia militia fighting for President Bashar al-Assad.

But the head was recognized from the video as originally belonging to a member of Ahrar al-Sham, a Sunni Islamist rebel group that often fights alongside ISIS though it does not share its al-Qaeda ideology.

Do any of you flea-infested lovers of syphilitic camels have any idea what this is going to do to our Worker's Compensation rates? 

Do you know how many years (not days, weeks, or months, but years!) I'll spend filling out paperwork on this incident?   When one of our own employees "accidentally" cuts off the wrong head, it becomes a bureaucratic nightmare, making ObamaCare look as simple as a Facebook status update.  A plague of OSHA inspectors, lawyers, and other vermin will descend upon us like a sandstorm. 

I swear by The Prophet Muhammad's child bride, I promise, I declare, I vow upon The Holy Koran that I will bring you miserable bastards into compliance with all safety regulations, and I will do it quickly.  There will be no more accidental decapitations of our own jihadists.  Everyone involved in this incident will have it noted in their permanent employee files, and those files will follow them into the afterlife.
 
This means YOU, supervisors. 

Before cutting off another infidel head, you WILL get proper identification, you WILL get fingerprints, and after starving the suspected heretic for three days you WILL tempt him with a ham sandwich and a bottle of Crown Royal, as noted in our policy manual.  Anyone showboating or taking shortcuts to impress a crowd will face disciplinary action. 

Here is more information on the incident from the Infidel media:

After inquiries, an ISIS spokesman admitted he (the man who was beheaded) was Mohammed Fares, an Ahrar commander reported missing some days ago. This could not be independently confirmed, but in an earlier video of a speech by Mr Fares, he bears a close resemblance to the severed head in the later video.
 

The Syrian Observatory of Human Rights, which monitors deaths in the Syrian conflict, and several activists on social media said that ISIS fighters misunderstood comments Mr Fares made referring to the Imams Ali and Hussein, the founding fathers of Shiism.

That's Mohammed Fares on the left.  People, I'm not saying this is all your fault.  If Mohammed had consistently worn his I.D. badge, he might be alive and well and firing missiles at Jews this very day.  Let this be a lesson to you all.....

This isn't just a policy problem, it is a Human Resources problem.  Are we still getting our jihadists through the temp service?  Is a simple disagreement about statements made by two Shiite Sand Preachers enough to justify cutting off the head of Mohammed Fares? 

, القرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنةالقرف الجحيم لعنة

 بناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلباتيا ابناء غبي من الكلبات

All of Mohammed's wives are pissed, and I can't blame them.  Ditto for his 18 children.  Everyone is now lawyered-up, and this case won't be closed in my lifetime.  You and your own children will live diminished lives because two of our own people got carried away and cut off the wrong damn head.

Here is a picture of two employees holding Mohammed's head, alongside a picture of Mohammed.  For the sake of Mohammed's family, his recently removed head has been blurred.  Anyone seeing the original knows the head without a body once belonged to Mohammed. 

Here's more from The Infidel Media:

The militant group tried to explain their error by referring to a story in which the prophet Mohammed said Allah would forgive a man who killed a believer by mistake. 

القرف جحيم اللعنة اللعنة العضو التناسلي النسوي اللف الإبل نذل المحبة رؤساء القرف

Maybe Allah will forgive these two.  And that's the difference between Allah and me. 

Imagine you are poor Mohammed Fares, approaching the gates of paradise, expecting to receive a martyr's reward of 72 virgins....  Is Mohammed really a martyr if he died at the hands of employees who couldn't follow procedures?  Was he sacrificed for the cause of Islam? 

It would take 72 Imams working overtime to determine if Mohammed Fares deserves 72 virgins.  In my opinion, it isn't martyrdom if you don't take an infidel into the afterlife with you.  It definitely isn't martyrdom if you were sent to meet Allah by two employees who couldn't be bothered to follow established safety procedures. 

Folks, we've got to get better. 

How will we ever successfully kill ourselves if we keep having these preventable accidents? 

Rickle Abu-Noir
Jihadist Safety Consultant

Free Gary Johnson Poster !!!

It's Allright Ma (I'm Only Lying....)

Here's a little more info on the panic that the National Transportation Safety Board is trying to create over talking, texting and driving.  Go here. 

For those who don't have time to hit the link, here's a summary:

They lied. 

(Perhaps they used the numbers that had been adjusted for Urban Heat Island Effects, El Ninos, Spatial Autocorrelation, etc.) 

Here's a totally unrelated video.  I just like it. 

On cell phone bans

I found these two almost-unrelated links on Instapundit.  Here's the first:

First, regulating cellphone use is not a federal responsibility, even on federal roads. This is not an issue that Washington has the authority to address.

Second, there’s no compelling reason for it. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration says that 3,092 traffic deaths last year involved distracted drivers. But using a cell phone is only one of many driver distractions. Eating and drinking while behind the wheel are two others, and they are far more dangerous than yapping on a phone.

In fact, a 2009 NHTSA study found that 80% of all car wrecks are caused by drivers eating or drinking — not cellphone use — with coffee-guzzling the top offender.

Then there’s this. According to federal data, traffic deaths have fallen from 2.1 per 100 million vehicle miles in 1990, when virtually no one had a cellphone, to 1.1 in 2009, when almost everyone does.

Here's the second link, a piece of greatness from Frank J. Fleming:

The National Transportation Safety Board wants a complete ban on cellphone use while driving, even on hands-free calls. Some will protest this as yet another government encroachment on freedom, but we should think twice before rocking the boat here.

After all, have you considered how lucky we are that the government lets us drive cars at all?

Imagine if cars hadn’t been around for a century, but instead were just invented today. Is there any way they’d be approved for individual use? It’s an era of bans on incandescent bulbs; if you suggested putting millions of internal-combustion engines out there, you’d get looks like you were Hitler proposing the Final Solution.

Even aside from pollution, the government wouldn’t allow the risks to safety. . . . Driving is basically a grandfathered freedom from back when people cared less about pollution and danger and valued progress and liberty over safety. They had different equations related to human life then: We could lose 10,000 men in a single battle in a war and call it a victory.

We’re talking foolhardy people who eventually sent men to the moon strapped to a giant rocket that had less computational power than it takes to calculate the trajectory of an Angry Bird. Their kids dangled from jungle gyms over pavement.

Face it: We’re just not those people anymore. We don’t do dangerous things where lots of people could be hurt . . . even if they’re really cool and fun ideas. You can say we value human life more now, but it’s probably more apt to say we’re much sissier.

The picture of the O.S.H.A. Cowboy came from here. 

A brief rant about CSA 2010. Or 2011.

One of my drivers came to me a few days ago and asked to be considered for a warehouse or desk job.  When I asked him why, he said "I'm tired of government son of a bitches telling me how much damn money I can make."  (Somewhat edited to delete 90% of the profanity.) 

Here's what is at stake.  The Department of Transportation is rolling out a new program called CSA 2010.  It claims to be a safety program with a system that tracks each driver's and each company's safety record.  Every driver and every company gets a score based on roadside inspections, accidents, driver fitness, and lots and lots of paperwork. 

The purpose of the program?  To create jobs for goverment parasites. 

The purpose of the program? To make it easier for top-heavy union employers to compete against lean and mean upstart companies. 

The purpose of the program?  Safety.

Despite being named CSA 2010, the program hasn't been implemented yet.  I think they've pushed it back twice.  The government keeps having computer issues and nobody's score is accurate.  The trucking industry has been fairly patient with these delays, and I wonder if our Lords and Masters in the Department of Transportation will be as patient with companies that take as long to comply? 

Anyway, you can go here to read about the program. 

If that picture reminds you of the scary old Hillarycare flowchart, well, it should.  They both sprang forth from the same mindset.  My email system is plagued by entrepreneurial ex-DOT employees who have started companies and programs designed to help get me into compliance with this mess.  (For the low, low price of $999.00 !!!!) 

Now you would think that an organization that couldn't roll out something named "2010" until late "2011" would be modest about rolling out additional regulatory crap. 

Well, you're wrong.  Here's what else they're cooking up.  Imagine the paperwork, the mind-numbing regulations, documents, time stamps and civil service leeches necessary to guarantee compliance with this next set of hoops to jump through.  There are going to be extensive roadside Talmudic discussions between truckers and highway patrolmen that last for days:

The U.S. Department of Transportation's Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration (FMCSA) today issued a regulatory proposal that would revise hours-of-service (HOS) requirements for commercial truck drivers.



This new HOS (hours of service) proposal would retain the "34-hour restart" provision allowing drivers to restart the clock on their weekly 60 or 70 hours by taking at least 34 consecutive hours off-duty. However, the restart period would have to include two consecutive off-duty periods from midnight to 6:00 a.m. Drivers would be allowed to use this restart only once during a seven-day period.



Additionally the proposal would require commercial truck drivers to complete all driving within a 14-hour workday, and to complete all on-duty work-related activities within 13 hours to allow for at least a one hour break. It also leaves open for comment whether drivers should be limited to 10 or 11 hours of daily driving time, although FMCSA currently favors a 10-hour limit.


Other key provisions include the option of extending a driver's daily shift to 16 hours twice a week to accommodate for issues such as loading and unloading at terminals or ports, and allowing drivers to count some time spent parked in their trucks toward off-duty hours.

God help us all. 

People don't understand what this kind of uncertainty does to a business.  Freight companies build their terminals a certain number of hours apart, based on the government regulations in place at the time.  They set up local driver routes to comply with Hours Of Service regulations. 

And then it all changes.  Because of.....????  Have the number of accidents been increasing?  An increased percentage of fatatlities?  Has there been a public outcry for more paperwork?  Nope. 

Your employees (the government ones) just need something to do. 

Be sure to check out the chart shown here.  Big Oil, of course, gets some exemptions.  Not because they're safer, or different, or better.  They just get them. 

Red Light cameras are working exactly as intended: They're making money

Check out Radley Balko's latest post on Red Light cameras. 

They reduce the number of accidents at intersections, if you only count the number of side-impact collisions. 
The number of accidents caused by someone getting rear-ended from a driver slamming on the brakes at the same intersections? 
Those are conveniently dropped from the stats. 

And the revenue keeps a'flowing.....

We stopped the baby from drinking the poison that we gave your baby. Give us more money, please.

Congratulations to the FBI, which has thwarted a bomb plot in Portland, Oregon. 
Because of the FBI's efforts, Mohamed Osman Mohamud was prevented from igniting a bomb at a Christmas Tree-lighting celebration. 
Mr. Mohamud, thinking he was going to ignite the bomb, drove to the corner of the square at Southwest Yamhill Street and Sixth Avenue in downtown Portland and attempted to set off the explosives packed inside his van.
The public was never in danger, however, since the "bomb" had been provided to Mr. Mohamud by the FBI, and wouldn't have ignited in the middle of a forest fire. 
We do not yet know if the FBI provided Mr. Mohamud with the van. 
The FBI did help him test a similar bomb someplace out in the boondocks. 
This is called entrapment.

In providing this doofus with a fake bomb, working with him on his plans to kill people, and essentially enabling and encouraging his criminal activities, the FBI has created and saved jobs for numerous FBI agents. 
They have given the citizens of Portland Oregon some Performance Art that will encourage them to give away more and more of their rights, privacy, and property in the name of public safety. 
In the words of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, "The system worked".

The "Idiot Bait" logo came from here. 

Words of wisdom from Clint Smith of Thunder Ranch

I got this email from my new boss. I've added some pics and videos. Good stuff that just happens to be funny.

Subject: Support for the 2ND AMENDMENT

Clint Smith, Director of Thunder Ranch, is part Drill Instructor, and part stand up comic Here are a few of his observations on tactics, firearms, self defense and life as we know it in the Civilized world.

The handgun would not be my choice of weapon if I knew I was going to a fight I'd choose a rifle, a shotgun, an RPG or an atomic bomb instead.

Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way.

Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. I may get killed with my own gun, but he's gonna have to beat me to death with it, cause it's going to be empty.

If you're not shootin', you should be loadin'. If you're not loadin, you should be movin', if you're not movin', someone's gonna cut your head off and put it on a stick.

When you reload in low light encounters, don't put your flashlight in your back pocket... If you light yourself up, you'll look like an angel or the tooth fairy...and you're gonna be one of 'em pretty soon.

Here's some Clint Smith video on the ONLY three places to keep your handgun. You get a feel for Clint's personality and teaching style around the 1:45 mark.



Nothing adds a little class to a sniper course like a babe in a Ghilliesuit.

Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available.

If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous. If I have a gun, what in the hell do I have to be paranoid about.

Don't shoot fast, shoot good.

You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will work but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much the universal language.

You have the rest of your life to solve your problems. How long you live depends on how well you do it.

You cannot save the planet.. You may be able to save yourself and your family.

The only purpose of fighting is to Win!

There is no possible victory in defense.

The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either.

The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, He'll just kill you.

If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger, Zeno Smith, responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.

The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'

Beware the man who only has one gun. He probably knows how to use it!

'The true Soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because He loves what is behind him.' -G. K. Chesterton

A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose both.

'Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.' ~ Thomas Jefferson

"A general dissolution of principles and manners will more surely overthrow the liberties of America than the whole force of the common enemy." --Samuel Adams

Here are Clint & Heidi Smith as guests on a talk radio show:



Thunder Ranch sounds like a great place. Hit this link to go to their website. The ranch is in Oregon, but they occasionally have classes in the DFW area. All of the January/February classes are sold out, but I intend to drop all other recreation to attend the next ones they post.

From The Jihadist Safety Consultant, on appropriate methods of martyrdom

To: All employees, jihadists, Al-Qaeda operatives, and former associates of the late Abdullah Hassan Taleh Al Asiri

From: Rickle Abu-Noir, Jihadist Safety Consultant

Re: Appropriate methods of martyrdom

Please reset your "This Shop Has Worked ____ Days Without A Lost Time Accident" calendars back to zero. We were doing so well, and now this disaster.
It has been more than a year since I was forced by your carelessness to send a safety memo. I encourage you to refresh your memories now, and read my previous message.

I write and write and write, and you ignore my warnings. Do any of you think first before trying to kill yourself? Abdullah Hassan Taleh Al Asiri sent himself into the next life in a shameful manner, and we have nothing to show for it.

Here is a mocking account of Asiri's death from the infidel media:

JEDDAH – Suicide bomber Abdullah Asiri had inserted around half a kilogram of explosives into his own body to carry out his failed assassination attempt of Prince Muhammad Bin Naif, Assistant Minister of Interior for Security Affairs, last week.

Like many of you, I wondered how Asiri could have ingested a half kilo of explosives. Did he eat it with his falafel? With some nice pita bread? Was it a potluck event in the jihadist breakroom? I was impressed with his creativity until the next paragraph:

As more details emerged of the events surrounding the attack that took place at the Prince’s home in Obhur, sources told Okaz newspaper Friday that Asiri’s mobile telephone was equipped with two SIM cards, one of which was used to call members of the terrorist organization in Yemen, and the other to detonate the device located inside Abdullah Hassan Asiri’s rectum via a call from the group.

As you know, this type of perversion is against the laws of Islam. It is a stench in the nostrils of Allah. It even offends the Baptists of Texas, so may the fleas of ten thousand camels nestle in Asiri's enlarged nether regions for all eternity.

What made you people think this would be effective?

According to sources, Asiri told palace officials while waiting for Prince Muhammad to arrive that he would have to “have a lie down” due to fatigue if the Prince was late, something which analysts say could have been due to the presence of the explosives in his body.

Asiri had reportedly not eaten nor consumed any liquid for 40 hours, fearing that they might disturb the effect of the explosives. Asiri reportedly waited less than an hour until the arrival of Prince Muhammad and the Prince sat next to him in an uncustomary position in a corner of the room to hear him better, only an arm-rest separating them.

it could have been due to the presence of the explosives? Could have been?? Ya think ??? I swear by Muhammad's child bride, I vow, I declare that I will bring you people into compliance with all safety regulations, and I will do it quickly.
From now on, let it be understood that it is impossible, impossible, impossible to allow a half kilo of explosives and a detonator to enter your exit, and then walk around for 40 hours without experiencing fatigue. The experience will quickly become tiresome.
Any questions? Good.

This is from yet another infidel, swine eating website:

It said the attacker concealed the explosives in his anus, allowing him to evade detection.
The network also quoted an expert as saying that the method of concealment aimed the blast away from the target, while blowing the bomber to bits....

Did Asiri not remember that his American-loving, jihadist-hating target is also a (false) follower of Muhammed? Did Asiri forget that he had a convenient excuse to kneel on the floor with his nose pointed toward Mecca and his ass toward his target?
No. Asiri obviously turned his master blaster away from his target, letting loose the most destructive fart since Allah shat forth the Zagros Mountain Range.

But like many of us in the days after the feast of Eid-ul-Fitr, he released nothing but noise and wind.
And small bits if Asiri.
Do not think we are through discussing this incident yet. We have a video of the clownish Asiri, bragging about the detonator that is about to go In Through His Out Door, may Allah vomit upon his perverted soul.



Does anyone else notice anything unusual about Asiri in this video? Notice that Asiri may have spent more time bonding with his mother than his father? Notice that his clothing is immaculate? Notice the undisguised joy with which he is holding the detonator? Do you think Asiri's tent might have tasteful track lighting, color-coordinated rugs, some Barbra Streisand CD's and a Shih-Tzu? Most of you would be terrified of having someone shove electronics into your back passage.

Asiri seems delighted.

Asiri volunteered for this mission because he liked it, you fools. He was an ass bandit of the worst sort. Yes, one of you packed a half kilo of explosives into his camel padding, but most of it leaked out long before he approached his target. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT select someone for this type of martyrdom if his rear end has been used as a Hamster Habitrail.

I don't think Asiri died thinking of 72 female virgins.

This was a huge disappointment and it embarrassed us all over the world. Please remember the primary goal of our organization: Martyrdom, Martyrdom, Martyrdom.
But Allah doesn't like it if you like it.

Sincerely,

Rickle Abu-Noir
Jihadist Safety Consultant

British retailers against sharp revolving wheels attached to a handle designed to slice through baked crust, cheese, and the toppings of your choice

First they came for our rifles.
Then they came for our pistols.
Then they came for our kids' playground equipment.
And then the diving boards at public swimming pools.

Then they came for our sharp pieces of metal that don't have "a blunt round nose".

(I don't make up any of this stuff; I just condense what I read elsewhere....)

And now if you're in the U.K., they're coming for your sharp revolving wheels attached to a handle designed to slice through baked crust, cheese, and the toppings of your choice.
Yes, British retailers are now asking for I.D. before you purchase a freakin' pizza cutter.

Here's a corporate shill for the Marks and Spencer retail chain:

Staff are required to ask for identification from any customer who tries to buy alcohol or a bladed item and appears younger than 25.

A spokesman said: "Our policy is not to sell knives or bladed articles to persons under 18, and a pizza-wheel fits into to that category. We are a responsible retailer, and our customers expect us to be vigilant in providing blades if people appear to be underage."

By the time I left elementary school, I had used axes, knives, tomahawks, hatchets, trenching tools, shovels, pruning shears, and razors - many of them for their intended purpose. Most of us carried pocket knives to school. And now the British don't trust anyone under 25 with a Pizza Cutter ????

This is the nation that produced Admiral Nelson, Winston Churchill, Margaret Thatcher, James Bond (I know, fiction), and Benny Hill.

Unbelieveable. The glory has departed.

Caption Contest - Slicing And Dicing Edition

I need a caption for this picture.



ASM826 won the previous contest.

Photo came from here.

Videos For Tomorrow's Safety Meetings.

I've spent the last three weeks dealing with forklifts and pallet racks.
Here are some unh.... inspirational videos on both subjects. I'll use them for my employee safety meetings tomorrow.



You can safely skip to the .40 mark on this one, or, if you don't want to see a lot of beer wasted, skip it altogether.



I've twice seen drivers forget their mast is raised. I've never seen it make the lift go horizontal....



Here's a collection of horrific post-accident pictures:



And here's a collection of other videos:



Remember: Forklift safety is everyone's number one job ! !

From The Jihadist Safety Consultant

To: All Employees
Fr: Rickle Abu-Noir, Jihadist Safety Consultant
Re: Recent Accidents

As many of you know, we have had a series of preventable accidents in the last few days. Both situations were due to employees failing to follow established procedure.
We have security video of the first mishap.
In this accident, a group of employees are attempting to bury an IED near a well-travelled highway.
Note that the employees are not wearing their safety glasses. The camels in the background are not properly equipped with seat belts, nor are there any chocks nearby to keep the camels from sliding forward. And is anyone in this video wearing his back brace? I don't think so.
All of these regulations were covered during orientation, and the training records are part of each employee's personnel file.

Accidents like this one are the primary cause of skyrocketing insurance premiums. And turbans. (That's what passes for humor in the Safety Consultant field.)
If any employees believe that Allah will reward these accident victims with 72 virgins, they are mistaken.
Touching the red wire to the red wire is not martyrdom, but suicide.
Folks, it's not martyrdom unless you take an Infidel with you.

Please reset your "This Shop Has Worked ____ Days Without A Lost Time Accident" calendars back to zero.

The next accident was clearly caused by using the wrong tool for the job.
No matter how many photographers are nearby, no matter how patiently you've waited for CNN to get the lighting right, you should always wear your protective heat shields when burning an American flag. And policy 35-3-C-057-(b) specifically states that American flags should not be lit by using table matches, cigarette lighters, or any other improvised ignition systems.
The policy clearly states that only blowtorches are to be used.

People, the point of the exercise is to burn the flag, not to look good doing it. Get the job done, and move on to the next project.

Many of our employees apparently believe that the point of flag burning is to be seen and admired by co-workers. In the photo below, try to calculate the number of man-hours lost to this one operation:

Then ask yourself, where are everyone's I.D. badges? Where is Mahmoud's safety helmet? And who said it was ok to have that kid in the workplace?

In this picture, taken a few seconds later, the flames have spread to Mahmoud's shoulder. This led to yet another disappointment. None of the factory inspections were up-to-date; therefore the only fire extinguisher was in the nearest village, eight miles away. My subsequent investigation revealed that it was last serviced and recharged in 1987.

In the final photograph, the flames are engulfing Mahmoud's face.

His co-workers eventually put out the fire with a combination of dirt, sand, camel manure, and blankets. When I visited the hospital to complete the Accident Reports (which, BTW, were turned in before noon the next day), he was resting comfortably.

Please allow me to be blunt here. Mahmoud has been horribly disfigured, and unless he can figure out a way to die while killing infidels, he's had his last virgin. The man needs to wear a burkha.

The last few days have been a disappointment. Please remember the primary goal of our organization: Martyrdom, Martyrdom, Martyrdom.

But how will we ever succesfully kill ourselves if we keep having all of these preventable accidents?

Let's hope July is a better month.

Sincerely,

Rickle Abu-Noir

Jihadist Safety Consultant