Happy Cost Of Government Day !

I hope everyone had a pleasant "Cost Of Government Day" yesterday.

(For those who are unfamiliar with the concept, Cost Of Government Day is an American holiday that slides further and further back on the calendar each year. It's the day that reflects how long Americans have to work each year to pay for our federal, state, and local government. Read more by clicking here.)

The chart above shows how COGD has slid from June to July during the last nine years.

To celebrate all this increased government spending, I did the following:

* I hit the snooze button on the alarm clock 5 times before getting out of bed. I know that I should work to pay for things I purchase, but I'm going to pass this work on to my child. Deficit spending should be counterbalanced by deficit work, don't you think?

* I went to Starbucks and took up a collection for orphans in Burma, to be paid when the orphans retire at age 65. If it appears that the orphans will live past 65 and the funds are running low, I can always push back the retirement age.

* I took part of the orphan money and bought a double espresso. I paid $25 for it, which some of you might think is too much. That's none of your business. Starbucks was a major contributor to my Burmese orphan fundraiser, and this is how I give back to the community. Plus, I have to protect American jobs by paying too much. To do less would be unpatriotic.

* Since I work in the transportation industry, I have a vested interest in keeping the cost of fuel as low as possible. I purchased several farms worth of wheat, and converted the wheat to ethanol. Not only is this bad for the environment (which gives me an opportunity to set up more programs to protect the environment), but when I convert food to fuel it also helps create more orphans in places like Burma ! More orphans = more fundraisers !

* My employees are, without exception, a bunch of badasses. So I've set up a program where I have my employees stationed in 135 other companies, just to keep things stable. Helps me keep an eye on things. This costs a lot, but I'm not the one paying for it.

*Shortly before lunchtime on COGD, I used Eminent Domain legislation to tear down a Burmese orphanage and put a Wal-Mart in its place. We'll see a huge increase in tax revenue from this move. This will allow us to spend more than ever.

* Then I took a congressperson to lunch and worked on getting subsidized. We discussed how much I would contribute to his campaign. We discussed how he could keep foreign competitors out of my industry. We chatted about creating some burdensome regulations that would prevent newcomers from starting their own businesses that could someday compete with mine. It was time well spent.

We didn't talk at all about what kind of work I do, since it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I pay him. Then he subsidizes me with an even greater amount of money. Your money.

Thank you for this gift. I want you to know that I'm not spending it wisely.

But I'm protecting American jobs.

* After lunch I checked on some of the schools that I support. The kids there don't read and can't write, despite being promoted every year. (I have to teach my own classes at work on HOW TO READ A TAPE MEASURE !) Then I followed up with my congressman to ensure that school voucher programs don't make any headway. I'm a passionate believer in all of America's children receiving the same level of education, even if that level is "none".

* I fired a kid for sending an important package via the U.S. Postal Service instead of FedEx or UPS. What an idiot.

* I wrote a check to pay for the private security service at the gated community where I live. Then I wrote another check to a lobbying group called "Moms Against Guns".

* There wasn't much going on after that, so I went to see the new Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas. I like to get drunk and eat too much while watching athletes try to carry leather bags of air across arbitrary lines on the ground. I like it when vendors pay for me to have this experience. I'm delighted that they can deduct this expense from their taxes, so people like you will have to pay even more taxes for the benefit of people like me. I love for cities to build huge sports arenas at your expense so people like me can enjoy these spectacular events.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

* I had a wonderful Cost Of Government Day, and hope you did too. Let's try to celebrate in August next year, ok? Vote for Democrats, whose stated goal is to increase the size of government. Vote for Republicans, who claim to favor smaller government, but spend more than Democrats.
Work harder, not smarter.