Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Predictions for the new Contract With America

The Republicans are about to unveil a new "Contract With America".  The 1990's contract has gotten some credit for the Newt Gingrich Republican Revolution, which was about as revolutionary as a decision to change crack dealers. 
Remember all the hype about cutting government spending?  Of the departments and programs that the Republicans pledged to eliminate, their combined budgets had grown by 13% by the year 2000

Since their previous Bait'n'Switch was so succesful, here are some predictions for the contents (or at least the results) of the new Republican Contract With America.

1) To enhance our image as the defenders of something or another, we will continue to harrass gays and lesbians in the military, and defend Japan, Germany, South Korea, Italy, Bulgaria, etc. 
2) To ensure that we have other enemies to fight, we will do everything in our power to fight marijuana legalization.  The prison lobby, prison guards, parole & probation officers, and the piss test industry all need jobs too. 
3) Because they are such easy targets, we will keep the Departments of Energy and Education in place for the next 8 years. 
4) Because there is so much money in it for politically-connected companies and donors, we will buy into the Anthropogenic Global Warming Global Climate Disruption myth and start investing in windmills, green stuff, and perpetual motion machines. 
5) We will guarantee that subsidies continue to flow to mega-corporations, like the $600 million dollar gift we give BP every year for throwing some ethanol into their fossil fuels.  There's something vaguely "green" about what Enron is doing, and that's supposed to be good. 
6) We will fight to defend your rights, your property, and your home.  Unless, of course, your property or home is in a great spot for a sports arena or a new shopping center. 
7) Dammit, we are going to end personal welfare.  With those savings, we are going to beat the Democrats in handing out corporate welfare. 
8) We pledge to fight the Ground Zero Mosque with everything we've got.  While you are distracted by our performance, we will push through thousands of earmarks for our campaign donors. 
9) We will never, ever, ever audit the Federal Reserve. 
10) Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and ObamaCare® are all safe with us.  We haven't repealed anything since Prohibition.  Wait a minute....the Democrats did that.  We continue to talk tough, but do nothing. 

Disagree with any of the above?  Hide and watch what they do. 
The Libertarian party awaits ! 

1 comment:

CharlieDelta said...

"6) We will fight to defend your rights, your property, and your home. Unless, of course, your property or home is in a great spot for a sports arena or a new shopping center."

You pretty much nailed that one!