Tuesday, October 26, 2010

We are in the Redneck Divorce stage of American history

There is no better metaphor out there. 
We are in the Redneck Divorce stage of American history. 

Our politicians know what is coming.  They aren't going to be able to keep blowing money on useless enterprises any longer.  That cozy lobbyist/manufacturer/politician relationship that began on that drunken night at the Tractor Pull so many years ago?  That threesome is over.  That comfy arrangement where the Democrats and Republicans take turns driving the 1958 Ford pickup in the same direction down the bad gravel road, with the Charlie Daniels Boxed Set blaring through a boom box hooked to a tractor battery in the back?  They know it's going to end soon, and that before long the bank is going to repo the pickup, the boom box and the battery. 

I am qualified to use the term "redneck" because I've studied redneck behavior for years.  (Instead of saying redneck, I experimented with the politically correct phrase "Unevolved American".  It became tiresome, and I dropped it.)
Also, if you scratch through the thin veneer of British mini-series, Brahms and books that has built up on my upper spine, you'll see red.

Hello, my name is Whited, and I am a redneck.
Hello Whited !  
It's been 29 days since my last relapse.  I had all these beer bottles on the seat beside the dogs, and my wife and daughter were in the back of the truck with the goat, and I didn't see all the cops when I decided it would be fun to throw some bottles at that mailbox ..... 

When rednecks get divorced, in the Year Of Our Lord 2010, the following things happen:

1) Lots of stuff gets destroyed out of spite.  If the courts say she can't have it, she's not about to let him enjoy having it, by God.  Coon dogs are taken to the pound.  Guns are given away to relatives.  Cars and trucks are sold for a dollar. 

Or.... Someone comes up with a program called Cash For Clunkers, in which 625,000 vehicles are destroyed.  One trillion dollars is taken out of the private sector, giving us the worst economy since Franklin Roosevelt started taking money out of the private sector.  Somebody halfway passes Cap'n'Tax, with no other objective than to punish people who make things and hire people.  We are in the hands of redneck leaders who are destroying things, the economy, and us.  Out of spite.  There is no other explanation.     

2) During every spat leading up to the redneck divorce, one spouse or the other will move out of the trailer and move back in with a brother, sister, or Mama 'n' them.  The spouse that moves out will always, always, always call Child Protective Services and report the other spouse for child abuse.  Always.  This will continue until every kid produced by the relationship has turned 18.

In the last 40 years, we've had Watergate, Monicagate, Iran-Contra, and scores of other little mini-lawsuits and investigations.  If you think those have become tiresome, just wait until the Republicans take over Congress. 

3) Before every redneck divorce, as soon as both sides know that it really is over, there is a mad rush to max out every credit card.  Whoever spends the least, loses.

If you need an explanation of that one, go away.  Go back to watching kitten videos on YouTube.

Pics came from here and here and here,   For those who don't believe it's possible for Barack Obama to be a redneck, please check out Black Rednecks And White Liberals by the great Thomas Sowell.

1 comment:

TarrantLibertyGuy said...

I was thinking of the Sowell book all through this! Also - this reminds me of the old bad joke that you can see the punchline hitch hikin' down FM1307.... Q: What does a redneck divorce and a tornado in Arkansas have in common? A: One way or another, somebody's losing a trailer.