Sunday, January 1, 2012

New York Giants 31, Dallas Cowboys 14

God hates Jerry Jones. 
The Dallas Cowboys just lost to the New York Giants 31-14. 
The Dallas Cowboys, America's Team, God's Team, and one of the teams picked to go to the Super Bowl this year, well, they won't even be going to the playoffs. 

They've gotten one playoff win in 15 years. 

It is because God hates Jerry. 
And that's because Jerry is a freakin' thief. 
There is no other way to explain it. 
Jerry Jones and the city of Arlington, Texas, stole some houses to build their new stadium, the Temple Of Baal.  They used Eminent Domain, and it was all legal.  But they're still thieves.
They must atone. 

What needs to happen?  Well, let's look at some history. 

The Cowboys franchise got its start in 1960.  Tom Landry was head coach.

When Landry was fired by Jerry Jones, Landry had a career record of 270-178-6.  However, Landry (before the start of the 1989 season) had not won a playoff game since 1983.  That's five years.  It was probably time for a change. 

When Jerry Jones purchased the team, he made himself General Manager.  He has supposedly been in charge of all personnel decisions since 1989. 

Jerry put the great Jimmy Johnson in as head coach.  Johnson had been coaching at the University Of Miami, and was familiar with many of the players soon to be drafted by the NFL.  We'll never know who made the decisions that led to the Cowboys era of greatness in the 1990's, but my money is on Jimmy. 

Jimmy Johnson coached his Cowboys to Super Bowl victories in 1992 and 1993.   But he couldn't get along with Jerry and left after the 1993 season.  

The details remain shrouded in a late-night haze, but it seems the trouble started when Jones toasted the Cowboys and was offended when Johnson reciprocated but did not invite Jones to join his table. A few hours later, Johnson alleges, Jones told a group of reporters in a bar that he planned to fire Johnson and replace him with Barry Switzer, an old foe of Johnson's from his college coaching days.
Then General Manager Jerry Jones....

....appointed Barry Switzer as Cowboys head coach. 

Using Jimmy's players, Switzer was able to win a playoff game in 1994, and he won the Super Bowl in 1995. 

The Cowboys won a single playoff game in 1996 (a year soon to be known as "the good old days), but went a disappointing 6-10 in 1997. 

General Manager Jerry Jones.....

....knew he had to do something after his head coach didn't win a playoff game in 1997.  He fired Switzer, and replaced him with Chan Gailey. 

Gailey went 10-6 in 1998, and then 8-8 in 1999.  He didn't win any playoff games. 

So then, Jerry Jones, who was supposedly still making all of the personnel decisions....

 ...fired Chan Gailey and replaced him with Dave Campo.  (Gailey is now doing a good job in Buffalo, BTW.)

Campo was head coach in 2000, 2001, and 2002, and had a won/loss record (respectively) of 5-11, 5-11, and finally, 5-11.  No playoff wins. 
So General Manager Jerry Jones, who was still in charge of ALL personnel decisions....

....fired Campo and replaced him with Bill Parcells. 

Despite winning a couple of Super Bowls with the Giants, and an AFC Championship season with The Patsies, Parcells was unable to do anything with Jerry's Kids in Dallas.  There were lots of discussions about "They want you to cook the dinner, at least they ought to let you shop for some of the groceries."  Some former Parcells players got signed, and Parcells had some small authority over the team. 

From 2003 through 2006, the Dallas Cowboys went 10-6, 6-10, 9-7, and 9-7.  They didn't win any playoff games. 
(It was at the beginning of the Parcells era that I discovered that God hates Jerry Jones, and I started making a small fortune betting against Dallas.  That has nothing to do with the matter at hand.  I wasn't worth a crap at left guard at North Sunflower Academy, but I can tell who God doesn't like.)

Parcells retired. 

Then Cowboys General Manager Jerry Jones, who hadn't won a playoff game since 1996....

...thought that he could improve the situation by bringing in Wade Phillips.

Maybe Jerry Jones had discovered the source of his problems.  Maybe this coach would be the one who could properly use Jerry's draft choices. 

The first year, 2007, it almost worked.  The Boys went 13-3, but didn't win a playoff game. 
The next year, they went 9-7, but didn't make the playoffs. 
In 2009/2010, perhaps to illustrate the old proverb that "even a blind hog can sometimes find an acorn", Jerry's draftees went 11-5, and beat the Philadelphia Eagles in a playoff game.  The curse was lifted. 
The next week Minnesota beat the tar out of them 34-3. 

This year, the mighty Dallas Cowboys have went 8-8.  
Eli and the Giants just handed them their asses, 31-14.  
Jerry Jones and the city of Arlington have taken people's homes by force, bulldozed them, and built the greatest sports facility on this planet on the site of their theft.  All to host this mess.  That was like tearing down the Taj Mahal to put up a movie theatre that only shows "Sex And The City". 

That's the history of the Dallas Cowboys coaches and their playoff wins.  If current trends continue through this year's playoffs, Jerry's Kids will have won a single playoff game in FIFTEEN years. 
Let's hope that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who is a brilliant businessman, can figure out the root cause of his problems.

How could something like this happen? 

It's very simple, folks.

God hates Jerry Jones. The Lord God Jehovah hates Jerry Jones with the white hot passion of a thousand dying suns. And Jerry must atone. Now. Unless he wants to spend another decade with fewer playoff wins than any current NFL General Manager over a 15-yearyear period.

Here's the Old Testament prophet Ezekiel, speaking out on the subject of Jerry, The Cowboys, and Arlington:

Ezekiel 22:29 The people of the land have used oppression, and exercised robbery, and have vexed the poor and needy: yea, they have oppressed the stranger wrongfully.

Ezekiel 22:31 Therefore have I poured out mine indignation upon them; I have consumed them with the fire of my wrath: their own way have I recompensed upon their heads, saith the Lord GOD.

I don't think there are any Eagles, Redskins, Giants, or Packers fans who could've said it any better.

So what do we do?

Here is a purification ritual that Jerry could undergo. This comes from the Holman Bible Dictionary.

A cleansing agent (to atone for sin) was required: water, blood, or fire (Numbers 31:23). Water, the most common purifying agent, symbolized cleansing and was used in the rituals related to a waiting period. The person was to wash the clothes and bathe the body (Leviticus 15:7). Blood was used to cleanse the altar and the holy place (Leviticus 16:14-19). It was mixed with other ingredients for cleansing from leprosy (Leviticus 14:1) and contact with the dead (Numbers 19:1).

The final element of the ritual of purification is sacrifice. Purification from discharges required two pigeons or turtledoves, one for a sin offering and one for a burnt offering (Leviticus 15:14-15,Leviticus 15:29-30). A lamb and pigeon or turtledove were offered after childbirth (Leviticus 12:6). Sacrifice in the purification ritual for lepers was quite complicated, indicating the seriousness of leprosy as a cause of impurity (Leviticus 14:1). The priest also touched the person's extremities with blood from the offering and with oil, cleansing and life-renewing agents. The poor were allowed to substitute less valuable animals for use in their sacrifices.

To cut to the chase: If we're ever going to have a succesful NFL franchise in Tarrant County, Jerry Jones must strip down to his skivvies, wash one of his suits on the 50-yard line of his gaudy Temple Of Baal, mop the field with the blood of Jason Garrett, and perform a ritual sacrifice by slaughtering some of his worst draft picks in the City Of Arlington's luxury suite.

That should do it.

But what about all the little people, Jerry's victims, the refugees who were dispossesed by Eminent Domain ?

Once again, let's see what the Holy Scriptures have to say:

Leviticus 6: 1-7 : "The Lord spoke to Moses, saying, “If anyone sins and commits a breach of faith against the Lord by deceiving his neighbor in a matter of deposit or security, or through robbery, or if he has oppressed his neighbor or has found something lost and lied about it, swearing falsely—in any of all the things that people do and sin thereby— if he has sinned and has realized his guilt and will restore what he took by robbery or what he got by oppression or the deposit that was committed to him or the lost thing that he found or anything about which he has sworn falsely, he shall restore it in full and shall add a fifth to it, and give it to him to whom it belongs on the day he realizes his guilt... "

It's fairly simple, isn't it? Jerry and Arlington must determine the current value of the stadium, the parking lot, the team, along with the value of having God on their side. They must give that amount of money, plus 1/5th, to the people they stole the land from.

Until that happens, we will labor under an Old Testament curse.




Nick Rowe said...

I'm sure you're on to something. God didn't even invoke eminent domain so Mary could give birth in a warm inn.

He didn't invoke eminent domain so Jesus could have his own tomb.

This could be like the curse of The Babe in Boston.

Harper said...

How many times have you posted this? It makes me laugh out loud every time. Especially that picture of Barry Switzer with an afro wig.

The Whited Sepulchre said...

I shall continue to post this after every really embarrasing loss until I die, or until Jerry Jones...

1) Steps down as G.M.
2) Gives the land back, AND
3) Undergoes the cleansing ritual as outlined in the Hebrew scriptures.

I haven't had time to look it up, but I think Jerry has the worst 15-year stretch of any G.M. in NFL history.

ΛΕΟΝΙΔΑΣ said...

No joy in Mudville (again). World to end April 19th. Women and minorities hardest hit.

Dr Ralph said...

Since my intent is to give up arguing politics this year (yeah, right - with an election this fall?) this is one of the few posts here in which I can voice my complete and utter agreement.

Why haven't you written a song about this?

Nick Rowe said...

Ralph, I've finally learned the lesson that arguing politics isn't half as fun or effective as ridiculing it. Not only do I not have a dog in this fight, I realize I'm the rawhide chew toy in the center of the pit.

My opinions could only be less relevant if I were a libertarian. Resistance is not only futile, the Borg enjoy the resistance.

Dave K said...

TWS, that's because most inept GMs would be fired long before fifteen years had elapsed.

Jones' "Throw shit against the wall and see what sticks" style of management coupled with the belief that we've only been a couple of players or a head coach away for sixteen years makes me retch.

I've been a fan for over forty years and fully believe that Tex Schramm could run this team more effectively from the grave.