New York Giants 31, Dallas Cowboys 14

God hates Jerry Jones. 
The Dallas Cowboys just lost to the New York Giants 31-14. 
The Dallas Cowboys, America's Team, God's Team, and one of the teams picked to go to the Super Bowl this year, well, they won't even be going to the playoffs. 

They've gotten one playoff win in 15 years. 

It is because God hates Jerry. 
And that's because Jerry is a freakin' thief. 
There is no other way to explain it. 
Jerry Jones and the city of Arlington, Texas, stole some houses to build their new stadium, the Temple Of Baal.  They used Eminent Domain, and it was all legal.  But they're still thieves.
 
They must atone. 

What needs to happen?  Well, let's look at some history. 

The Cowboys franchise got its start in 1960.  Tom Landry was head coach.

When Landry was fired by Jerry Jones, Landry had a career record of 270-178-6.  However, Landry (before the start of the 1989 season) had not won a playoff game since 1983.  That's five years.  It was probably time for a change. 

When Jerry Jones purchased the team, he made himself General Manager.  He has supposedly been in charge of all personnel decisions since 1989. 

Jerry put the great Jimmy Johnson in as head coach.  Johnson had been coaching at the University Of Miami, and was familiar with many of the players soon to be drafted by the NFL.  We'll never know who made the decisions that led to the Cowboys era of greatness in the 1990's, but my money is on Jimmy. 

Jimmy Johnson coached his Cowboys to Super Bowl victories in 1992 and 1993.   But he couldn't get along with Jerry and left after the 1993 season.  

The details remain shrouded in a late-night haze, but it seems the trouble started when Jones toasted the Cowboys and was offended when Johnson reciprocated but did not invite Jones to join his table. A few hours later, Johnson alleges, Jones told a group of reporters in a bar that he planned to fire Johnson and replace him with Barry Switzer, an old foe of Johnson's from his college coaching days.

Then General Manager Jerry Jones....

....appointed Barry Switzer as Cowboys head coach. 

Using Jimmy's players, Switzer was able to win a playoff game in 1994, and he won the Super Bowl in 1995. 

The Cowboys won a single playoff game in 1996 (a year soon to be known as "the good old days), but went a disappointing 6-10 in 1997. 

General Manager Jerry Jones.....

....knew he had to do something after his head coach didn't win a playoff game in 1997.  He fired Switzer, and replaced him with Chan Gailey. 

Gailey went 10-6 in 1998, and then 8-8 in 1999.  He didn't win any playoff games. 

So then, Jerry Jones, who was supposedly still making all of the personnel decisions....

 ...fired Chan Gailey and replaced him with Dave Campo.  (Gailey is now doing a good job in Buffalo, BTW.)

Campo was head coach in 2000, 2001, and 2002, and had a won/loss record (respectively) of 5-11, 5-11, and finally, 5-11.  No playoff wins. 
So General Manager Jerry Jones, who was still in charge of ALL personnel decisions....

....fired Campo and replaced him with Bill Parcells. 

Despite winning a couple of Super Bowls with the Giants, and an AFC Championship season with The Patsies, Parcells was unable to do anything with Jerry's Kids in Dallas.  There were lots of discussions about "They want you to cook the dinner, at least they ought to let you shop for some of the groceries."  Some former Parcells players got signed, and Parcells had some small authority over the team. 

From 2003 through 2006, the Dallas Cowboys went 10-6, 6-10, 9-7, and 9-7.  They didn't win any playoff games. 
(It was at the beginning of the Parcells era that I discovered that God hates Jerry Jones, and I started making a small fortune betting against Dallas.  That has nothing to do with the matter at hand.  I wasn't worth a crap at left guard at North Sunflower Academy, but I can tell who God doesn't like.)

Parcells retired. 

Then Cowboys General Manager Jerry Jones, who hadn't won a playoff game since 1996....

...thought that he could improve the situation by bringing in Wade Phillips.

Maybe Jerry Jones had discovered the source of his problems.  Maybe this coach would be the one who could properly use Jerry's draft choices. 

The first year, 2007, it almost worked.  The Boys went 13-3, but didn't win a playoff game. 

The next year, they went 9-7, but didn't make the playoffs. 

In 2009/2010, perhaps to illustrate the old proverb that "even a blind hog can sometimes find an acorn", Jerry's draftees went 11-5, and beat the Philadelphia Eagles in a playoff game.  The curse was lifted. 

The next week Minnesota beat the tar out of them 34-3. 

This year, the mighty Dallas Cowboys have went 8-8.  

Eli and the Giants just handed them their asses, 31-14.  

   

Jerry Jones and the city of Arlington have taken people's homes by force, bulldozed them, and built the greatest sports facility on this planet on the site of their theft.  All to host this mess.  That was like tearing down the Taj Mahal to put up a movie theatre that only shows "Sex And The City". 

That's the history of the Dallas Cowboys coaches and their playoff wins.  If current trends continue through this year's playoffs, Jerry's Kids will have won a single playoff game in FIFTEEN years. 

Let's hope that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who is a brilliant businessman, can figure out the root cause of his problems.

How could something like this happen? 

It's very simple, folks.

God hates Jerry Jones. The Lord God Jehovah hates Jerry Jones with the white hot passion of a thousand dying suns. And Jerry must atone. Now. Unless he wants to spend another decade with fewer playoff wins than any current NFL General Manager over a 15-yearyear period.

Here's the Old Testament prophet Ezekiel, speaking out on the subject of Jerry, The Cowboys, and Arlington:

Ezekiel 22:29 The people of the land have used oppression, and exercised robbery, and have vexed the poor and needy: yea, they have oppressed the stranger wrongfully.

Ezekiel 22:31 Therefore have I poured out mine indignation upon them; I have consumed them with the fire of my wrath: their own way have I recompensed upon their heads, saith the Lord GOD.

I don't think there are any Eagles, Redskins, Giants, or Packers fans who could've said it any better.

So what do we do?

Here is a purification ritual that Jerry could undergo. This comes from the Holman Bible Dictionary.

A cleansing agent (to atone for sin) was required: water, blood, or fire (Numbers 31:23). Water, the most common purifying agent, symbolized cleansing and was used in the rituals related to a waiting period. The person was to wash the clothes and bathe the body (Leviticus 15:7). Blood was used to cleanse the altar and the holy place (Leviticus 16:14-19). It was mixed with other ingredients for cleansing from leprosy (Leviticus 14:1) and contact with the dead (Numbers 19:1).

The final element of the ritual of purification is sacrifice. Purification from discharges required two pigeons or turtledoves, one for a sin offering and one for a burnt offering (Leviticus 15:14-15,Leviticus 15:29-30). A lamb and pigeon or turtledove were offered after childbirth (Leviticus 12:6). Sacrifice in the purification ritual for lepers was quite complicated, indicating the seriousness of leprosy as a cause of impurity (Leviticus 14:1). The priest also touched the person's extremities with blood from the offering and with oil, cleansing and life-renewing agents. The poor were allowed to substitute less valuable animals for use in their sacrifices.

To cut to the chase: If we're ever going to have a succesful NFL franchise in Tarrant County, Jerry Jones must strip down to his skivvies, wash one of his suits on the 50-yard line of his gaudy Temple Of Baal, mop the field with the blood of Jason Garrett, and perform a ritual sacrifice by slaughtering some of his worst draft picks in the City Of Arlington's luxury suite.

That should do it.

But what about all the little people, Jerry's victims, the refugees who were dispossesed by Eminent Domain ?

Once again, let's see what the Holy Scriptures have to say:

Leviticus 6: 1-7 : "The Lord spoke to Moses, saying, “If anyone sins and commits a breach of faith against the Lord by deceiving his neighbor in a matter of deposit or security, or through robbery, or if he has oppressed his neighbor or has found something lost and lied about it, swearing falsely—in any of all the things that people do and sin thereby— if he has sinned and has realized his guilt and will restore what he took by robbery or what he got by oppression or the deposit that was committed to him or the lost thing that he found or anything about which he has sworn falsely, he shall restore it in full and shall add a fifth to it, and give it to him to whom it belongs on the day he realizes his guilt... "

It's fairly simple, isn't it? Jerry and Arlington must determine the current value of the stadium, the parking lot, the team, along with the value of having God on their side. They must give that amount of money, plus 1/5th, to the people they stole the land from.

Until that happens, we will labor under an Old Testament curse.

YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE DECREEES OF GOD, JERRY JONES, AND.... YOU.... WILL..... ATONE !!!!!

 

Detroit Lions 34, Dallas Cowboys 30

I played left guard for one year at North Sunflower Academy.  I was in the 9th grade.  That's enough to qualify me to comment on this issue. 

Lord have mercy, what an ugly game.  The Dallas Cowboys got spanked, and I mean spanked by the newly revived Detroit Tigers, 34-30.  Another Dallas Cowboys FAIL. 

Can you believe that Buffalo is actually looking forward to playing us? 

What needs to happen?  Well, let's look at some history. 

The Cowboys franchise got its start in 1960.  Tom Landry was head coach.

When Landry was fired by Jerry Jones, he had a career record of 270-178-6.  However, Landry (before the start of the 1989 season) had not won a playoff game since 1983.  That's five years.  It was probably time for a change. 

When Jerry Jones purchased the team, he made himself General Manager.  He has supposedly been in charge of all personnel decisions since 1989. 

Jerry put the great Jimmy Johnson in as head coach.  Johnson had been coaching at the University Of Miami, and was familiar with many of the players soon to be drafted by the NFL.  We'll never know who made the decisions that led to the Cowboys era of greatness in the 1990's, but my money is on Jimmy. 

Jimmy Johnson coached his Cowboys to Super Bowl victories in 1992 and 1993.   But he couldn't get along with Jerry and left after the 1993 season.  

The details remain shrouded in a late-night haze, but it seems the trouble started when Jones toasted the Cowboys and was offended when Johnson reciprocated but did not invite Jones to join his table. A few hours later, Johnson alleges, Jones told a group of reporters in a bar that he planned to fire Johnson and replace him with Barry Switzer, an old foe of Johnson's from his college coaching days.

Then General Manager Jerry Jones....

....appointed Barry Switzer as Cowboys head coach. 

Using Jimmy's players, Switzer was able to win a playoff game in 1994, and he won the Super Bowl in 1995. 

The Cowboys won a single playoff game in 1996 (a year soon to be known as "the good old days), but went a disappointing 6-10 in 1997. 

General Manager Jerry Jones.....

....knew he had to do something after his head coach didn't win a playoff game in 1997.  He fired Switzer, and replaced him with Chan Gailey. 

Gailey went 10-6 in 1998, and then 8-8 in 1999.  He didn't win any playoff games. 

So then, Jerry Jones, who was supposedly still making all of the personnel decisions....

 ...fired Chan Gailey and replaced him with Dave Campo. 

Campo was head coach in 2000, 2001, and 2002, and had a won/loss record (respectively) of 5-11, 5-11, and finally, 5-11.  No playoff wins. 

So General Manager Jerry Jones, who was still in charge of ALL personnel decisions....

....fired Campo and replaced him with Bill Parcells. 

Despite winning a couple of Super Bowls with the Giants, and an AFC Championship season with The Patsies, Parcells was unable to do anything with Jerry's Kids in Dallas.  There were lots of discussions about "They want you to cook the dinner, at least they ought to let you shop for some of the groceries."  Some former Parcells players got signed, and Parcells had some small authority over the team. 

From 2003 through 2006, the Dallas Cowboys went 10-6, 6-10, 9-7, and 9-7.  They didn't win any playoff games. 

(It was at the beginning of the Parcells era that I discovered that God hates Jerry Jones, and I started making a small fortune betting against Dallas.  That has nothing to do with the matter at hand.  I wasn't worth a crap at left guard at North Sunflower Academy, but I can tell who God doesn't like.)

Parcells retired. 

Then Cowboys General Manager Jerry Jones, who hadn't won a playoff game since 1996....

...thought that he could improve the situation by bringing in Wade Phillips. 

Maybe Jerry Jones had discovered the source of his problems.  Maybe this coach would be the one who could properly use Jerry's draft choices. 

The first year, 2007, it almost worked.  The Boys went 13-3, but didn't win a playoff game. 

The next year, they went 9-7, but didn't make the playoffs. 

In 2009/2010, perhaps to illustrate the old proverb that "even a blind hog can sometimes find an acorn", Jerry's draftees went 11-5, and beat the Philadelphia Eagles in a playoff game.  The curse was lifted. 

The next week Minnesota beat the tar out of them 34-3. 

This year, the mighty Dallas Cowboys have started the season with two wins and two losses.  They just finished losing to Detroit.  Yes, Detroit.  The freakin' Lions.   

Jerry Jones and the city of Arlington have taken people's homes by force, bulldozed them, and built the greatest sports facility on this planet on the site of their theft.  All to host this mess.  That was like tearing down the Taj Mahal to put up a movie theatre that only shows "Sex And The City". 

That's the history of the Dallas Cowboys coaches and their playoff wins.  If current trends continue through this year's playoffs, Jerry's Kids will have won a single playoff game in FIFTEEN years. 

Let's hope that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who is a brilliant businessman, can figure out the root cause of his problems.

How could something like this happen?  Against The Detroit Unholy Lions??  I mean, what are the freakin' odds?  What could cause Tony Romo to throw 3 picks against DETROIT???? 

It's very simple, folks.

God hates Jerry Jones. The Lord God Jehovah hates Jerry Jones with the white hot passion of a thousand dying suns. And Jerry must atone. Now. Unless he wants to spend another decade with fewer playoff wins than any current NFL General Manager over a ten year period.

Here's the Old Testament prophet Ezekiel, speaking out on the subject of Jerry, The Cowboys, and Arlington:

Ezekiel 22:29 The people of the land have used oppression, and exercised robbery, and have vexed the poor and needy: yea, they have oppressed the stranger wrongfully.

Ezekiel 22:31 Therefore have I poured out mine indignation upon them; I have consumed them with the fire of my wrath: their own way have I recompensed upon their heads, saith the Lord GOD.


I don't think there are any Eagles, Redskins, Giants, or Packers fans who could've said it any better.

So what do we do?

Here is a purification ritual that Jerry could undergo. This comes from the Holman Bible Dictionary.

A cleansing agent (to atone for sin) was required: water, blood, or fire (Numbers 31:23). Water, the most common purifying agent, symbolized cleansing and was used in the rituals related to a waiting period. The person was to wash the clothes and bathe the body (Leviticus 15:7). Blood was used to cleanse the altar and the holy place (Leviticus 16:14-19). It was mixed with other ingredients for cleansing from leprosy (Leviticus 14:1) and contact with the dead (Numbers 19:1).

The final element of the ritual of purification is sacrifice. Purification from discharges required two pigeons or turtledoves, one for a sin offering and one for a burnt offering (Leviticus 15:14-15,Leviticus 15:29-30). A lamb and pigeon or turtledove were offered after childbirth (Leviticus 12:6). Sacrifice in the purification ritual for lepers was quite complicated, indicating the seriousness of leprosy as a cause of impurity (Leviticus 14:1). The priest also touched the person's extremities with blood from the offering and with oil, cleansing and life-renewing agents. The poor were allowed to substitute less valuable animals for use in their sacrifices.


To cut to the chase: If we're ever going to have a succesful NFL franchise in Tarrant County, Jerry Jones must strip down to his skivvies, wash one of his suits on the 50-yard line of his gaudy Temple Of Baal, mop the field with the blood of Jason Garrett, and perform a ritual sacrifice by slaughtering some of his worst draft picks in the City Of Arlington's luxury suite.

That should do it.

But what about all the little people, Jerry's victims, the refugees who were dispossesed by Eminent Domain ?

Once again, let's see what the Holy Scriptures have to say:

Leviticus 6: 1-7 : "The Lord spoke to Moses, saying, “If anyone sins and commits a breach of faith against the Lord by deceiving his neighbor in a matter of deposit or security, or through robbery, or if he has oppressed his neighbor or has found something lost and lied about it, swearing falsely—in any of all the things that people do and sin thereby— if he has sinned and has realized his guilt and will restore what he took by robbery or what he got by oppression or the deposit that was committed to him or the lost thing that he found or anything about which he has sworn falsely, he shall restore it in full and shall add a fifth to it, and give it to him to whom it belongs on the day he realizes his guilt... "

It's fairly simple, isn't it? Jerry and Arlington must determine the current value of the stadium, the parking lot, the team, along with the value of having God on their side. They must give that amount of money, plus 1/5th, to the people they stole the land from.

Until that happens, we will labor under an Old Testament curse.

YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE DECREEES OF GOD, JERRY JONES, AND.... YOU.... WILL..... ATONE !!!!!

Dallas Cowboys 24, New York Giants 31 - December is the cruelest month

Without nearly enough apologies to the works of T.S. Eliot....

December is the cruelest month, breeding
Defeats out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Fumbles in the Meadowlands.
Autumn kept us warm, covering
Earth with easy wins over lowly Oakland, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
Eli surprised us, coming over the top
With a shower of passes; though we stopped not one,
Romo and Whitten set records; into the end zone
Giants returned punts, and treated us like losers.


LET us go then, you and I,
When the stadium is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through Arlington's half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of bulldozed houses near one-night cheap hotels
And bad chain restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room libertarians complain
Cursing both Jerry, and Eminent Domain.

The yellow curse that rubs its back upon the uniforms,
The yellow December curse that rubs its muzzle on the gray and blue uniforms,
Licked its tongue into the corners of the end zone,
Lingered upon the Cowboy drives that failed to move the chains,
Let fall upon its back the hopes that falls from gullible fans,
Slipped by the defense, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft December night,
Curled again about the Meadowlands, and fell asleep.


We'll soon see New Orleans riding Brees-ward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water gold and black.

We will linger in the Dome of the damned,
By cheerleaders wreathed with fabric gold and brown
Till the ref whistles wake us, and we drown.

And I have known the eyes already, known them all,
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To explain the theft of land and homes?
And how should I go on?

For I will show you fear, fear in a handful of dust....

Pics came from here and here.

T.O., Romo, Skybox Ho, Bad Mojo

Yesterday, I defended the honor of Jessica Simpson. She hasn't called to thank me.

Various Talk Shows, bloggers, and football fans have accused her of distracting Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo during Sunday's loss to Philadelphia. Their reasoning, as I understand it, goes like this:
1) Jessica Simpson was in one of the Dallas Skyboxes as Romo's guest.
2) TV cameramen filmed Jessica Simpson in the skybox.
3) We could see her. Lotsa times.
4) She distracted fans watching the game on their televisions. (Jessica Simpson could distract the new Pope during his first Easter Mass at St. Peter's.)
5) Tony Romo, by the same logic, could see her too. From 75 yards away. He could pick her out among the 80,000 other people watching the game.
6) Tony Romo didn't play well.
7) He usually plays well.
8) Jessica Simpson must be a witch ! ! ! a distraction.

I went on to say that Romo is a professional, most players have girlfriends or wives in the stands, etc etc etc.... and that the idea that something like that could distract a Pro Quarterback is the dumbest thing I've ever encountered. (I take that back. I forgot about Farm Subsidies, import quotas, Lou Dobbs, the kid who ran a drill press in reverse for two hours, educational monopolies, John Edwards, The Electoral College System, and the man I saw drive a Massey Ferguson tractor into the Sunflower River.)

This is now the dumbest thing I've ever heard: Here's our beloved Wide Receiver, Terrell Owens on the issue:

Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens is not too happy with Tony Romo's girlfriend Jessica Simpson, who attended the team's loss against the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday. T.O. will also have something to say about Jessica once the playoffs arrive. Romo played his worst game of the season.
"She was hot on my list until last week," Owens said. "I've got a message for her when we make the playoffs. Just stay tuned."
Here's more Owens on Jessica Simpson:
"Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite in this locker room or in Texas Stadium," Owens said. "With everything that has happened and the way Tony played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel like she has taken his focus away." (from Rick Herrin with the Fort Worth Star-Telegram)

T.O. didn't do diddly squat last Sunday, other than get double-teamed for Jason Witten's benefit. T.O. likes to get his name in the paper, but hasn't been a distraction all year. Then the Cowboys had their first full blown media circus/controversy, and Owens wasn't a part of it.

He couldn't stand it any more.

So the idiot slammed his quarterback's girlfriend.

Cowboys fans, we now have a distraction.

Tony Romo and Bad Mojo

I went to the Cowboys vs. Eagles excuse for a football game Sunday afternoon. Cowboys lost 10-6.

For football fans who live under rocks, Tony Romo had Jessica Simpson in the stands. She was in a pink Romo jersey. She got as much face time on TV as Wade Phillips. (If you were running a camera, who would you film?)

After the loss, Cowboy fans were screaming at the sports talk radio hosts that the loss was Jessica's fault. Romo obviously didn't have his head in the game. He had the same problem - a loss - last year when Carrie Underwood was in the stands. All the way home, I listened to talk show hosts and callers dissected the obvious correlation between Hot Women In The Skybox and Tony Overthrowing T.O.

The next morning, the Romo/Simpson jinx was in the paper. Here's a sample of the comments from the online version. Fascinating stuff. It's already made it to Romo's Wikipedia entry.

Ok, let's look at this thing: Tony Romo has been quarterbacking since high school. Maybe earlier. I bet he had some girlfriends in the stands all through high school. Same thing for college.

The NFL gives players a certain number of tickets to every game. A lot of those go to wives and girlfriends. These women, along with their Mama, are also occasionally shown on TV - usually when the husband/boyfriend gets hurt. I'm guessing 50% of the Cowboy players, minimum, had some form of woman in the stands.

Has anyone taken their negative Mojo into consideration for this loss?

Tony Romo didn't think twice about who was in the stands after the first kickoff. He's a professional, fer heaven's sake. Andre Gurode and Chris Canty busting up their knees was a bigger factor than Jessica Simpson. Tony Romo's strained thumb was a bigger factor than Jessica Simpson. And there was another professional team on the field, a team with God's Gift to Philadelphia's running game.

But the camera shows Jessica in the skybox, we look at Jessica in the skybox, and we think about Jessica in the skybox. We're momentarily distracted from 3rd down and long yardage.

That's the difference between Tony Romo and the rest of us. We know how WE would play with Jessica Simpson watching.

A little bit distracted.