Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Drunkblogging the State Of The Union Address

As is my custom, I will be drunkblogging the State Of The Union speech tonight. 

Obama has already signaled that he's going to raise the minimum wage for all Federal projects to $10.50 per hour, thereby guaranteeing that government will never, ever, ever do anything more efficiently than the private sector. 

He's also going to talk about getting training programs going for the long-term unemployed.  I will bet you the shriveled remains of my liver that he's going to propose more money for America's Community Colleges.  (The first president that I can remember making that proposal was Bush the Elder.  I think every president since then has followed suit in at least one SOTU speech.  I don't think anyone in the Oval Office has ever successfully implemented anything successful in our JuCo system.  But as a series of throwaway lines in a speech, it sounds great, right??) 

I'm writing this intro at work.  Gonna stop at the liquor store on the way home and get a pint of Kentucky Deluxe bourbon, just to brace myself for the horrors that this evening will bring.  The drunkblogging will all be on this same post, beginning beneath the picture, and I will update every few minutes. 

God help us all, we're in the hands of a man with delusions of adequacy.  What I wouldn't give to hear a president say "The State Of The Nation Is Good, and it's because I've decided to be the least activist president since Calvin Coolidge". 

Ok, John Boehner has entered the building....   (I'm watching this on CNN, by the way.) 

While we're waiting for Obama to show up and read what's on his Teleprompter, let me throw in a few vital charts about some of tonight's subject matter. 

Here's what the minimum wage has done to black kids, and Obama is going to try to get a few more confirmed kills of black teenagers by asking that Congress raise the minimum wage to a level higher than anyone would dream of paying to a black teenager.....

Yeah, that chart shows all teen unemployment, not just minority.  So shoot me. I couldn't find the other chart.  I'm drunkblogging this, remember? 

The Supreme Court justices just entered the building. 

CNN was talking about Willie Robertson, the star of "Duck Dynasty" being in the room.  Jake Tapper had to interrupt to say that Joe "The Gaffer" Biden showing up.  CNN got back to Willie Robertson ASAP.  LOL.  Lots and lots of Congressmen are going out of their way to have pictures made shaking hands with Willie Robertson.  I don't know if anyone is falling over himself to get a pic made breathing the same air as Biden. 

I really hope that The Teleprompter Jesus has the nerve to talk about Global Warming.  The entire Gulf Coast, from Texas through New Orleans and Mississippi is iced in.  NEW ORLEANS is having traffic problems because of the ice and snow.  NEW ORLEANS.  The icy weather goes all the way into Virginia. 

They just showed former Saturday Night Live comedian and current Senator Al Franken.  And I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. 

They just showed a zoom shot of  Kentucky Senator and Pork King Mitch McConnell.  I just threw up in my mouth a little more. 

Now they're showing closeups of Willie Robertson, star of "Duck Dynasty".  For the benefit of readers in Europe and Asia, this is Willie Robertson....

He's the star of a reality TV show about a family that has made millions by manufacturing duck calls. 
For the benefit of readers in Europe and Asia, this is a duck call.  Hunters use them to lure ducks within shotgun range. 

Willie Robertson has done far more for the country than Barack Obama.  He's created things that people want, and he didn't steal any of the money used to do it. 

John Boehner is calling the session of Congress to order. 

Dr. Jill Biden (she's made a career out of studying what the hell is wrong with Joe) has now entered the room.  Michelle should be next....

I was wrong. The Supreme Court Justices are next.   Ruth Bader-Ginsburg looks like she might not make it to the beginning of the Rodham administration....

Ok, now Michelle has entered the room, to riotous applause.  I wish Sasha and Malia were there.  By all accounts, the Obamas are raising a fine pair of young ladies. 

Here comes the cabinet.  John Kerry is there with his long face.  Chuck Hagel.  Susan Rice.  Soon-to-be-indicted Eric Holder (we can only hope). 

They're talking about who didn't show up from the Supreme Court.... Alito, Scalia and Thomas.  Alito has apparently chosen NOT to be caught on TV mumbling that the Leader Of The Free World is full of bovine excrement...

I haven't mentioned yet that Obama is probably going to spend some time tonight defending Obamacare.  What's goofy is that there now are more people without insurance than there were before the implementation of Obamacare.   And what, exactly, was the point of Obamacare???

They're zooming in on Kathleen Sibelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, the department that totally screwed up the U.S. medical system. 

John Boehner and Joe Biden are standing at the podium, acting like they are anything other than political whores. 

A brief side note.....  My mother-in-law moved in with me several months ago.  She has some Evan Williams bourbon in one of the kitchen cabinets.  She would never drink it, but uses is for cooking. 
I don't think I bought enough Kentucky Deluxe to get me through the task at hand.  Should I get into it? 

The really long answer is.... YES.  Obama just entered the building, and your elected representatives are falling all over each other to shake hands with him.  God help us all. 

I'll replace the Evan Williams tomorrow.  Desperate times demand desperate measures. 

Ok, I just checked my Statcounter.  This blog post is going out on a couple of Twitter feeds.  Gotta bring my "A Game". 

Obama is bringing up a teacher.  An entrepreneur.  And an autoworker.  He's going to say that because of them, the STATE OF THE NATION IS GOOD. 

No, that didn't happen.  Don't presidents usually begin their speech by stating that "The State Of The Nation Is Good"??

He said that the Autoworker helped "wean us off foreign oil".  Who gives a shit if we're using foreign oil, U.S oil, or oil that's imported from Hogwarts???  Oil is fungible.  (Look it up).  Presidents have been using that foreign oil line since freakin' Nixon.  Fools always applaud it.   

They just cut to a shot of Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.  I just threw up in my mouth a little more, and some escaped to the front of my shirt. 

He just slammed Ted Cruz's puny little government shutdown of some national parks, and got some huge applause. 

He said that we've had some severe cuts to education.  Horseshit, Horseshit, Horseshit.  We've got the most overfunded education system we coulda dreamed of.  Teachers are retiring with full benefits before they hit 55 years old.  That ain't sustainable. 

Godalmighty, I'm sick of this man's voice. 

He's blaming his problems on Globalization and technological advances.  Corporations are making money.   Inequality has deepened.  Too many Americans are working too hard just to get by. 

He doesn't mention that it's because we're having to spend 1/3 of our money on his government- mandated bullshit. 

Michelle is getting a Standing -O just because he said her name.  She's brought down childhood obesity rates. 

So why in the hell does this dumb bastard subsidize the leading causes of obesity - sugar, wheat, corn, rice, and other carbohydrates? 

He just stood up for "marriage equality" - a position he didn't hold until last year. 

He just mentioned that John Boehner's father was a bartender. 

And that he, his own glorious self, was the son of a single mother. 

He wants to restore that promise of the American Dream.  He's lying.  He's still going to keep screwing things up.  He's going to keep glorifiying bartenders and single moms while vilifying entrepreneurs. 

Now he's yapping about creating tax incentives for companies that keep jobs in the USA.  We have the 2nd highest corporate tax rates in the free world.  He's lying about those tax incentives.  He'll do without that money right about the time he stops smoking. 

He's talking about creating manufacturing jobs.  He's not mentioning that his Labor Relations Board stopped Boeing from opening a new plant in the Carolinas. 

Ok, this is the part of the State Of The Union address that I always hate the most....  he knows that free trade is the way to go, but he wants to subsidize everyone who can't compete with free traders.  Pick a side, Barack, pick a side.  Be a Luddite or a Free Trader.  Pick a side.   

Now, on to the next worst thing....   The glorification of small businesses.  I like me some small businesses.  Presidents always point out that most of our job growth is from small businesses.  They say this as if it were some glorious piece of wisdeom, because it is true.  It's true for the same reason that most of the growth in forests is from trees that aren't grown yet.  Doh !!!

Now he's talking about some paper-thin material...  much like the content of this speech....

Ok, on to the "energy independence" clichés.  Can you imagine the president of, say, Spain, talking about "energy independence"?  Ever heard The Vatican spokesperson deliver a rant about "energy independence"? 
Since when does this fake self-reliance show strength?  We need energy independence like we need microchip independence, or like the people in your household need to manufacture their own soap or shirts or deodorant or dog food.  We are strongest when we can get the best possible deals at the lowest price.  It's called "comparative advantage" and "competitive advantage" and everyone who passed Economics 101 knows this.  (Obama failed this class at Occidental College.  Look it up.)

I knew he would do it!  I KNEW HE WOULD DO IT !!  Everything from Texas to New Orleans to Washington D.C. is snowed in and iced in, and THE STUPID SON OF A BITCH BROUGHT UP GLOBAL WARMING !!!!  HE'S TALKING ABOUT GOING SOLAR.   HE'S TALKING ABOUT WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING !!!  We're in a situation where the warmest part of the USA is snowed in and he's talking about Al Gore's con game.  God loves me so much.  I know it because she let me be alive to hear this crap. 


Barack Obama, much like his supporters, has no sense of irony.  The entire Southeast is snowed in, and he just said "Climate Change is a fact".  Does he not own a thermometer?

He's talking about the rescue of our automakers.  That's like rescuing Blockbuster Video.

Ok, on to immigration. I do love me some immigrants.  Maybe something good can happen here....?

Never mind.  They just showed a closeup of Chuck Schumer.  I just threw up in my mouth a bit, and it went projectile.  Threw up all over the den. 

He's going to bring up America's Community Colleges.  He's going to bring up America's Community Colleges....

He just asked Joe Biden to train workers to fit the jobs that need to be filled.  This is the same clown that he asked to ensure that no stimulus money would be mis-spent....

Here it comes.... America's Community Colleges.... Say it, Barack, say it....

Dammit, he's not going to do it.  He's moved on to Unemployment Insurance. 

Unemployment Insurance is much needed because of Obama's policies that punish success. 

(A quick proposal....  Lower the corporate tax rate to zero.  Cut the number of government employees by 1/3rd.  Watch the USA grow like a weed.) 

O God.  He's into education.  Here's my favorite chart.  Spending has tripled, and test results have flatlined.....

Dammit, I think I deserve some credit for getting this dismal crap posted so quickly.  Hit the ads on my website, ok???

He's babbling about high-quality Pre-K funding, despite the fact that government studies have shown that any advantages provided by Operation Headstart disappear by the 2nd freakin' grade.

OMG....  here go the rants about how to guarantee that "no American middle-class kid is priced out of a college education".  Government subsidies of college educations are the #1 reason that college educations are expensive.  Subsidize something, and it's more expensive.  You learn that in Econ 101.  Barack flunked that class at Occidental.   

On to gender equality.  This man is a lying son of a bitch.  Women with the same education as men, and who work as many hours as men, make as much money as men. 

Here's the most damning contradiction in this fool's speech....  He just finished talking about gender inequality in wages, and followed it up by saying that women ought to be able to have a kid, or take care of her kid, without sacrificing her job.  So....who you gonna hire? Who are you gonna pay the most? 

BTW, there's  more gender inequality in Barack's White House than there is in our society in general.  Will throw some links in here later on.  He pays his men a lot more than his women.  Will find it later.

Some pizza guy just gave his employees a raise to $10.00 per hour. 

You know why?  Because they were worth it. 

I'm trying to raise two of my employees to $13 and $14 per hour. 

You know why?  Because they are worth it. 

Now Barack is going to raise ALL Federal employee contractor rates to $10.10 per hour. 

You know why?  Because it will get him votes and applause. 

He's encouraging every employer to give out raises.  You know what?  Next time you're at the grocery store, pay more than you have to.  Pay $20.00 for your newspaper.  Pay $10.00 for a gallon of gasoline.  Do silly shit, just to feel good about yourself. 

New subject....

Tomorrow, Barack is going to create a new way to save for retirement???   A new program called My IRA  ???

Hell, I thought Social Security was supposed to do that.  WTF WTF WTF ????

Christ almighty riding sidesaddle on a Shetland pony.  What is he talking about??  I can't wait to read the spin on that tomorrow. 

 Here's the good part... He's going to defend Obamacare, which just might have created a situation where we have fewer Americans insured than we did before it's implementation. 

Thanks to Obamacare, no American can be turned away by an insurance company for a pre-existing condition.  That's like saying nobody whose house has been burned down can be turned away by a homeowners insurance company.  I know that sounds harsh, but that's the dude's logic. 

Gonna take a break.  Gotta get some Evan Williams. 

Obama just issued a throwdown to Republicans to come up with an alternative to Obamacare. 
If the Republicans need help, they can go here.  I wrote it myself....

Voting Rights Act. 



Gun Violence.  I wonder if Barack is aware that Eric Holder masterminded a program called "Fast And Furious" where we sent a buttload of high caliber weapons into Mexico to see what would happen?  And Federal Agents got killed with them?

Military.  Automatic standing ovation.  We have 6% of the world's population and 45% of the military spending.  Yeah, they're good people, but hell, how much military do you want to pay for? 

He says our longest war (Afghanistan) will soon finally be over.  He's lying.  Our longest war is Richard Nixon's War On Drugs, which he still chooses to fight.  BTW, has anyone noticed any increased in criminality in Colorado or Washington state?  The two states that recently legalized weed? 

Holy crap... the man is acting as if he finally understands that our presence overseas just might create more terrorists.  He's capable of learning!!  He's capable of learning!!!  Helen Keller's teacher probably felt this way when she got Keller to understand the concept of "water". 

"American Diplomacy has rallied more than 50 countries to prevent nuclear materials from falling into the wrong hands."  Bullshit.  Barack Obama, John Kerry, Hillary and others have access to nuclear materials.  Anyone thinking that those are good hands, well, they probably need to read a lot more. 

They just showed a closeup of Robert Menendez, the congressman of underage Caribbean prostitute fame.  I just threw up all over my laptop.  You people owe me. 

Something about keeping Iran from getting nukes.  The bourbon is weighing heavy on me, and Barack's voice is weighing heavier.  The cadence he uses, his sentence structure, all of it is so freakin' tiresome....

OMG.... his favorite clutchphrase..... "Let me be clear". 

He's still talking about Iran and nukes.  Do I detect some saber-rattling here?  Are we gonna have boots on the ground sometime soon?  

CNN just zoomed in on Jason Collins, the NBA's first openly gay player.  I'm all for marriage equality, gay rights, and getting government out of marriage.  But why in the hell is Jason Collins in the halls of Congress for this speech?  Obama only finished "evolving" on the gay marriage issue last year.  WTF?  WTF? WTF? 

Something about veterans getting the healthcare that they need, and getting jobs.  How about leaving them in the USA, you bastard?  Let's not cripple and maim so many of them.  Let's stop creating terrorists.  The military-industrial complex is killing more people than the muslims.  End it, end it, end it all. 

The soldier sitting by Michelle is getting a shout-out.  He was injured, but is learning to speak and walk again.  This pitiful little political hack is going to make a political point, comparing himself, and his programs, and his agenda to this wounded soldier.  I can't believe what the f**k I just heard. 

Standing ovation from Congress.  What a cheap, smarmy little bastard we have filling the shoes of Washington, Jefferson, Taft and Coolidge. 

I'm going to spend the rest of the night praying for the damnation of The Republic.  "

Now he's into the "Teachable Moments" of his speech.  He's still comparing his agenda to the recovery of the wounded soldier. 

I'm going to go into my bathroom and finish throwing up. 

"God bless you, and God bless the United States Of America". 

I'm done.  Hope I never have to watch anything that manipulative again.  


Anonymous said...

Well at least it's blended !

The Whited Sepulchre said...

I learned a little bit about bourbon while looking for that pic...
I didn't know that KD, as a blended bourbon, was part....Vodka??

I must learn more.

Hot Sam said...

So tell us this:

If an Al Qaeda bomb destroys the capitol and everyone in it, which lucky, absent, cabinet member gets to be president?

It is at moments like these that I contemplate whether such an incident would be unambiguously good or bad.

Michael Coyne said...

whenever purchasing a blended whisky, take a look if it is blended with NGS (sometimes GNS) which standed for Neutral Grain Spirit. Vodka is super cheap to make (and easy) and that is how a lot of bourbon distilleries stretch their batches.

The Whited Sepulchre said...

Can you tell me if "blended" bourbons have more carbs than other bourbon??

CenTexTim said...

"If an Al Qaeda bomb destroys the capitol and everyone in it..."

Which blended bourbon would be in your glass as you raised it in a toast of gratitude?

CenTexTim said...

"Hope I never have to watch anything that manipulative again."

Wait till next year...

BTW - well done, and thanks for taking the hit so the rest of us didn't have to endure that BS.

Anonymous said...

I feel bad that you had to watch this and drink cheap whiskey. Next time try some Elmer t. Lee

David said...

Our descendants will laugh at us.

wGraves said...

With apologies to Soupy, this is like watching Soupy Sales explain quantum mechanics. Better find some place to hide?

Anonymous said...

In gratitude to you for your excellent drunkblogging, I clicked every link on the page, and one of them was "Watch Pres O's hangout road trip". It's even playing in another open window right now.

Good luck getting the vomit out. Apparently baking soda helps.

PcTanya said...

As I was reading this, I could only think of the movie Stand By Me, the infamous pie eating puke scene......it would be great if you were sitting to the right and just starting spewing bourbon and cheeze it's.......then congress started spewing caviar, beer and the remnants of the asses that they just rimmed......everyone puking!

Then it is revealed that Biden is a Sasquatch and boehner is a polar bear. Because they both are just licking all of that shit up.

Anonymous said...

I keep hearing how the Obama's are raising two lovely daughters. My question is, really? Lovely in what way? I mean they have the cuteness of the young, but looking at their bitter and angry parents, steeped in the ways of Marxism and Critical Theory,can we truly say they are going to raise two fabulous kids?

-Ed. said...

Nice job, guy. I became a much happier person after getting rid of my TV. You might want to try it. Books, music, conversation, friends, neighbors, family. All have gained in the absence of TV.

RebeccaH said...

Thank you for watching that so we didn't have to. Sorry about the bourbon shortage and the ... um ... vomit.

Buffalo Pete said...

Thank God for you, Whited. You do the dirty work so we don't have to.

Anecdote: My friend texts me last night to ask if I want to come over and watch the dog and pony show at her house. My reply: "No, I'm trying to cut back on my drinking."

My liver thanks you!

SnoopyTheGoon said...

An exemplary reportage, but the stuff you were drinking is going to ruin the lining of your insides. Scotch, preferable single malt, is the only cure for watching a pol lying...

Denny said...

Actually, the longest war is not Richard Nixon's War on Drugs, but Lyndon Johnson's War on Poverty where we wasted trillions of dollars subsidizing poverty. That money could have given us a high orbit permanent space station as well as a colony on the moon. Instead we spent it subsidizing Tylonalia and Nyquilia and their fifteen rugrats father by 5 different thugs.

The Whited Sepulchre said...

Point well taken. I stand corrected, sir !
Hope you're doing well.

Anonymous said...

Education graph: you need spending per capita. America's population has increased a lot since 1970 so a lot of the growth in spending is because of more people (I doubt this will explain all of it but it won't make the government look as bad)