On Jesus And Santa Claus

I was in the 2nd grade, working on homework at a desk in our den. It must have been close to Christmastime, because my mother was explaining something about Santa Claus to my little sister.
I don't remember my sister's question, but it probably involved the North Pole, elves, reindeer, Rudolph, or (temporal) punishments and rewards for being either naughty or nice. In one blinding moment the Santa Claus/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy Axis Of Impossibility revealed itself to me.
There are no elves. Reindeer can't fly. Old fat guys can't get down chimneys. A giant rabbit can't leave us colorful plastic eggs (from Gibson's department store) filled with coins or candy.
Any fairy with a tooth fetish must be very lonely fairy indeed.

I had figured out the conspiracy, and needed some clarification on the finer points so I looked up from my homework and asked "Hey, there can't be a Santa Claus who brings all this stuff. Is it just you and Daddy, or is it somebody else?"

My Mother went through a frantic series of shushing gestures, throat slashings, and brow-furrowings, and then said something like "Of course there's a Santa Claus", followed by a wink-wink nudge-nudge. Once my sister left the room, she explained that Santa Claus was something that parents did to make Christmas more fun for children, along with a follow-up conversation about the need to conceal this from my sisters and brother. I immediately felt like more of an adult since I was in on what was obviously a very adult secret.

I relished the conversations I could have with my parents and other adults about what other kids were getting from Santa Claus. I had access to the people behind the curtain, the ones who made the magic happen.

I had a friend named Glenn Williams who was a year younger than me. (Note to self: write a post about the day Glenn was working at The Rushing Winery and managed to bottle his thumb.) Another friend, Walt Burns, took Glenn aside one day and told him all about Santa Claus. Glenn has told me at least three times about how mad he got at Walt for doing this.

Up until the time Walt spilled the beans, Glenn had a worldview that included a benevolent old guy who paid attention to his behavior and rewarded him with great stuff every December 25th. People were killing each other in Viet Nam but Santa was watching. Elves were making toys for people who were good, even if kids our age were starving in communist China. And Walt Burns had to ruin everything. There was no magic guy in a sleigh.  It was just Pat and Guy B. Williams waiting up past their normal bedtime to bring Glenn's toys down from the attic.

Other kids claimed to believe, or pretended to believe, until they were in the 5th or 6th grade. In their families, once you stopped believing, the quality and quantity of gifts from Santa declined. Why rock the boat?

Flash forward about 15 years.

I briefly attended Southwestern Baptist Theological Cemetery Seminary in Fort Worth. The place seemed to operate on two levels. In some classes the professors spoke as if every word in the Bible was inspired by God, and that all of scripture hung together as a unified statement and plan. But a few other professors would sometimes imply that the book was a mishmash. It was filled with time and place-specific rants that had to be twisted and tortured into relevance. A few brave souls, usually at the doctoral level, would introduce Biblical Criticism into the mix.

No professors publicly confessed any doubts about whether the basic story was true. And by true, I mean in the sense that this event happened, not true in the sense that something is a true to life parable or narrative that can teach us something about blah blah blah....

However, I found that if I could get these professors off the clock, and they would sometimes confirm that doubt was a valid response. Some of them would go so far as to give me further reading on the subject.

But by and large, the main response to doubt went something like this: "These stories have given comfort to millions. They are the foundation of our morality, our ethics, and our hope for the future. They are the received wisdom handed down from previous generations. If they weren't true, would God have given them to us? And one last thing.... people will give 10% or more of their income to spread God's Eternal Truth. But can you imagine anyone giving 10% of his money to spread a story that's just a parable? Churches and ministers that waver in their professed beliefs have a hard time paying the light bill."

In other words, once people start thinking of Santa Claus as a metaphor, you can't rely on them to put out milk and cookies in front of the fireplace.

We now have ministers all over the U.S. who no longer truly believe what they're preaching.  They no longer have a separate "carve-out" for stories about walking on water and resurrections and hells - a separate cubbyhole for the miraculous stories that otherwise would go the way of evles, reindeer and giant magic bunnies.  So why do they continue?

They don't want to be the Walt Burns who tells Glenn Williams what they've learned. They don't want to hurt their colleagues, financially or professionally, who still claim to take it all literally instead of figuratively. In some groups, to go against the story is to go against the entire tribe, and would mean rejecting family, town, denomination, and (ahem) salary. Sometimes it's too late to re-invent yourself as an insurance salesman, retail manager, or freight broker.

Plus, the church still owes $250,000.00 on the new education wing they built 10 years ago, and somebody needs to keep paying retirement funds into the Annuity Fund. 

When I'm feeling particularly dark, I sometimes tell people that I didn't learn the truth about Santa Claus until I spent 6 years training to be an elf.

Could there be anything sadder than a 25-year old who still believed in Santa?

On the other hand, could there be anything sadder than a 50-year old minister who lives on the same planet as theologian/scholars like Marcus Borg and John Spong, but who continues to proclaim the virgin birth, angelic visitations, and the eternal damnation of dead Muslim, Chinese, and Indian teenagers?

Let's make some changes, starting with a few obvious propositions. I don't believe in hell. I don't believe that I'll die and get some wings and a harp either. What happens after we die? I don't know. Neither does anyone else. But we can all agree on what happens to a tree when it dies, can't we? Let's start there.

Here's another one. I don't believe that Jesus got his Mama pregnant with himself.

I don't believe that languages were invented when people got uppity and tried to create a tower that would reach the sky and God felt threatened and punished everybody by giving them different languages. You don't believe that either. I promise, you don't. People... Just... Don't... Believe... That...

So if you're a minister who happens to read this rant, you have the blessing and approval of a lot of people to crawl up into your pulpit Sunday and admit what you don't believe certain things anymore. You're probably a good person with some good ideas. Give your folks something new to think about. The Santa Claus guided by Rudolph/Wise Men guided by the star in the east business - those stories don't work any more.

Sunday morning, tell us what you think will make the world better, without resorting to mythology.

I think you'll feel better afterwards. I feel better just writing all of this.

Merry Christmas !

The Monthly Mohler - Albert Mohler takes on The BioLogos Forum

Since last year's takedown of Dr. Albert Mohler got about a jillion hits, I've decided to start writing something called The Monthly Mohler.  The Monthly Mohler will be an opportunity to look at the president of Southern Seminary's views on church and state, his beliefs that those who disagree with him are going to burn in hell for all eternity, and finally, his God'n'Amurrica blurbs on Fox.
 
Why bother with something like this? 

Because I believe that he's harmful.  He doesn't make the world a better place.  He reinforces tribalism.  He has a childish loyalty to some theological beliefs that he believes are science, but that only belong to mythology.  But millions of people listen to what he says because, after all, he's Dr. Albert Mohler of Southern Seminary. 
A few weeks ago, Dr. Mohler gave us his views on The BioLogos Forum, a website self-described as follows: 

The BioLogos Foundation is a group of Christians, many of whom are professional scientists, biblical scholars, philosophers, theologians, pastors, and educators, who are concerned about the long history of disharmony between the findings of science and large sectors of the Christian faith. We believe that the Bible is the inspired Word of God. We also believe that evolution, properly understood, best describes God’s work of creation. Founded by Dr. Francis Collins, BioLogos addresses the escalating culture war between science and faith, promoting dialog and exploring the harmony between the two. We are committed to helping the church – and students, in particular – develop worldviews that embrace both of these complex belief structures, and that allow science and faith to co-exist peacefully.

In other words, the participants in the BioLogos forum know that we evolved.  We evolved, and it took a long, long time. 

Here's Dr. Mohler's take on this group:

Public debate is unpredictable by nature, but I have to admit that the approach undertaken by the folks at BioLogos continues to amaze me. The BioLogos movement is a straight-forward attempt to persuade evangelical Christians to embrace some form of evolutionary theory. Organized by a group that includes Dr. Francis Collins, now the Director of the National Institutes of Health, the movement seeks to marginalize objections to evolution among conservative Christians. It offers a very sophisticated website and an energetic communications strategy.

The BioLogos approach to the issue is now clear. They want to discredit evangelical objections to evolution and to convince the evangelical public that an acceptance of evolution is a means of furthering the gospel. They have leveled their guns at the Intelligent Design movement, at young earth creationism, and against virtually all resistance to the embrace of evolution. They claim that the embrace of evolution is necessary if evangelicalism is not to be intellectually marginalized in the larger culture. They have warned that a refusal to embrace evolution will doom evangelicalism to the status of an intellectual cult.

So far, so good.  Because the embrace of evolution really is necessary if evangelicalism is not to be intellectually marginalized in the larger culture, and doomed to the status of an (anti-intellectual) cult. 
Why? 
Because we evolved, and Christianity cannot continue to deny it. 
I'm about 2/3rds of the way through with Richard Dawkins' "Greatest Show On Earth - The Evidence For Evolution".  Lord have mercy, what a brilliant book.  Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

Dawkins starts with some of the same arguments that Darwin used, arguments about processes that can't be denied.  In Darwin's day, British farmers routinely modified inedible plants to form various delicious cabbages and cauliflowers.  Dogs were selectively bred for fox-hunting, retrieving, or as guard animals.  Those cabbages and puppies with valuable characteristics were allowed to reproduce.  Plants and pups with undesirable characteristics were set aside as failed experiments. 
Within a half-dozen generations, new varities were spreading all over England. 

My father used to point out the varieties of soybeans produced in the agriculture department at Mississippi State University.  Some needed less water than others.  Some had a greater yield, but needed more fertilizer.  Others had a great yield but could be knocked to the ground by a 15 MPH breeze. 
I still remember many of the names the MSU scientists gave the varieties: Davis, Hood, Lee, Pickett, and Bragg.  (Yeah, they always named them after Confederate generals.)

So if characteristics of a species can be intentionally changed in a short period of time, what happens when Mother Nature is left alone to determine what characteristics are most valuable? 
The fossil record shows us. 
The plants, animals and fish at the lower levels are radically different from the fossils found near the surface.

But go far enough back up the time/species line with any two organisms, and you'll eventually find a common ancestor.  At an early point in the timeline, the two varieties could reproduce with each other.  Later on, you'll only get a sterile offspring - i.e., something like the offspring of a horse and a donkey, a mule.  Give nature a few million more years, and try to mate a cabbage with a kitten.  You'll get nothing at all.
 
The fact that people, puppies, purple cabbages, and pancreatic cancers evolve - it is at the heart of almost all medical research.  The flu shot you got this year will be useless next year.  The virus will have evolved by then. 
Face it.  Embrace it.  Evolution explains the world.  To learn more, read the Dawkins book. 
Back to Dr. Mohler....

Furthermore, they have been breathtakingly honest about the theological implications of their arguments. Writers for BioLogos have repeatedly made the case that we must relinquish the inerrancy of the Bible and accept that the biblical writers worked from a defective understanding of the world and its origins. They have asserted, for example, that the Apostle Paul was simply wrong in assuming that Adam was an historical person from whom all humans are descended. They have been bold and honest in rejecting the biblical account of the Fall as historical. They have warned that an affirmation of biblical inerrancy has led evangelicalism into an “intellectual cul-de-sac.” A complete inventory of the doctrinal concessions they will demand is not yet in sight, but as I have affirmed before, they deserve credit for the honesty of their proposals.

So far, Dr. Mohler is batting 1.000
The BioLogos folks do indeed affirm that Paul was mistaken because Adam was not an historical person. 
Adam is a metaphor.
Not only is Adam a metaphor, but he's two different metaphors when you compare Genesis chapters one and two. 
The first two chapters of Genesis, the ones that all the fuss is about, are contradictory.  They are about two radically different creation accounts.  They can't both be "inerrant".  They use different names for God.  There is a different order of creation.  The authors, and there were two different authors, had different goals in mind when telling their stories. 
They are beautiful stories.  They were the best we could do at the time.  But they are stories, all the same.  Go to Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary (in the early 1980's) and you won't be taught this, but you will be allowed to learn it.  (Long, long story, involving denominational politics.)

Go here for the best explanation I'll ever write about the problems in the biblical stories of creation.

Not only does biblical inerrancy lead to "an intellectual cul-de-sac", it is a cul-de-sac with a cliff at the end.  You find yourself defending talking serpents and donkeys, exploring the reasons for making an axe-head float, and wondering why the snakes didn't eat the mice on the ark. 
Ok, back to Dr. Mohler:

They are also clear about their motive. In their view, the acceptance of evolution is necessary for evangelism. They are motivated, they insist, by a concern that a rejection of evolution puts Christians in a position of intellectual embarrassment. The rejection of evolution places Christians outside the intellectual pale, they assert, leading to the discrediting of the gospel. They believe that intellectuals, especially scientists, will not respect an evangelistic witness to the gospel from one who is intellectually discredited by rejecting evolution. They are embarrassed by the fact that a majority of evangelicals reject evolution, and they honestly believe that some people will not come to know Christ because they are so offended by our unwillingness to accept evolution. They have repeatedly asserted that the credibility and integrity of our Christian witness is at stake.

Why is the rejection of evolution an embarrassment to some Christians? 
Because it is embarrassing to be in a biology class with someone who is raising hell because a teacher is contradicting the folk tales he learned in his Mama's lap.  You feel bad for them.  You don't want to be there.  You don't want to watch the pain.  That's one of the definition of embarrassment.  And yes, changing your mind on any major issue causes pain. 

The writers for BioLogos have been unsparing in their criticism of evangelicals who believe in the inerrancy of the Bible or are proponents of either Intelligent Design or creationism. They initiated a public debate by presenting their arguments in the public square. But now, it appears, they really do not want a public debate at all. They want a one-way conversation.

Dr. Mohler then outlines the details of a tiresome Preacher Fight between himself and someone at BioLogos.  You can go back to his original post if you have the time for the whole thing.  It's a tiresome exposition about who said what and who all really responded in what way....all in relation to Saint Peter and Cornelius in the 10th Chapter Of Acts. 

The chief difficulty, the main reason that these guys can't get anywhere with their discussion?  Neither side can come out and say "Serpents can't talk.  No boat could hold every species of animal.  Trumpet noise couldn't knock down the walls of Jericho.  These are stories.  Parables.  Valuable campfire legends from the infancy of our race.  Let's try something....Dr. Mohler, I'm going to build a pile of wood as big as the Texas A&M bonfire.  I'm going to dig a moat around it.  I'm going to drench the whole thing with water.  Then, Dr. Mohler, I want you to pray for God to ignite the woodpile, the way he did for Elijah.  After you've failed at that, then we'll talk."

If the BioLogos guys were to be that frank and honest, donations would drop off considerably. 

A brief digression:  I briefly attended Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, the sister institution to Doctor Mohler's Southeastern Seminary. 
There but for the grace of God go I. 
Here's more from Doctor Mohler, still bristling from accusations that he called the BioLogos people "not christian":

I can read their words, however. Their theological arguments are published in the public arena. They are not shy about making their proposals, and they call for a radical reformulation of evangelical doctrine. Their assaults upon biblical inerrancy have not been made in private conversations, but in public discourse. Their argument that the Apostle Paul was wrong to believe in an historical Adam and an historical Fall was made in public, as was their denial of common descent through Adam.

Now we're getting somewhere.  This is why Christian fundamentalists attack biologists so fiercely over evolution, while giving linguists a free pass when they offer up alternatives to the Tower Of Babel story.  You see, if there was no Adam and no Eve, then there was no Original Sin.  We are not infected from birth with a desire to murder, steal, covet, and bear false witness.  God didn't set up a perfect environment that we silly humans made a mess of. 
We don't have any collective guilt. 
Paul was off the mark about why Jesus had to die. 
Once you accept that the flu virus can evolve from year to year, fundamentalist theology is a mess. 

They will have to take responsibility for these arguments. They should expect no less than a spirited debate over their proposals, and it is nothing short of bewildering that they now ask, in effect, for a pass from all theological scrutiny. They accuse conservative evangelicals of driving evangelicalism into an “intellectual cul-de-sac” and into the status of an intellectual “cult,” and then they have the audacity to complain of the “tone” of those who argue that their proposals amount to a theological disaster.

Yep.  A theological disaster.  That's what it would be.  As if that's a bad thing. 
You know, if I steal your car, get caught, and then make it up to you by going into my back yard and beating the crap out of my dachshunds, I don't think you'll be satisfied.  I think you'd prefer to get your car back. 
That's what the Original Sin story led to.  Substitutionary Atonement.  Adam and Eve screwed up, so I let God take his frustrations out on Jesus. 
Theology like that?  It needs a disaster every few millenia. 

Virtually every form of theological liberalism arises from an attempt to rescue Christian theology from what is perceived to be an intellectual embarrassment — whether the virgin conception of Christ, the historicity of the miracles recorded in the Bible, or, in our immediate context, the inerrancy of Scripture and the Bible’s account of creation.

No, no, no.  It arises from people looking at the texts, and asking themselves "Is this possible?"  "Could this have happened?"  "Why is this account of dead people rising from their graves in Jerusalem only mentioned in Matthew?" 
(To learn more about groups who try to sort out the truth from the legends, check out the fine work of the scholars at The Jesus Seminar.) 

Dr. Sprinkle kindly invites me “to come and see what I see in the hearts and lives of people in the BioLogos community.” I am willing and eager to enter into any conversation that serves the cause of the gospel. But a conversation that serves the cause of the gospel cannot avoid talking about what the gospel is — and that requires theology.
BioLogos is a movement that asserts theological arguments in the public square in order to convince evangelical Christians to accept their proposals. They now have the audacity to ask for a pass from theological responsibility. That is the one thing they may not have.

I believe that the need for some theological responsibility now rests in Dr. Mohler's camp.  The BioLogos people present compelling evidence for evolution, and yet want to continue calling themselves Christians.   Mohler hasn't done anything here except beg the question.  His argument appears to be that human evolution didn't take place because it would be a contradiction of one of the many branches of Christian belief that have slowly (ahem) evolved for the last two thousand years.   

Al Mohler's is a theology that needs to evolve, to grow up. 

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. - First Corinthians 13:11

"The Messianic Secret" (Don't tell anyone about it !)

One of my uncles was in the military with Lee Harvey Oswald.  They were good friends. 
At one point in their friendship, Oswald confessed to my uncle that one of his ambitions was to assassinate a president. 
There's a reason you haven't heard about this until now.  Oswald told my uncle not to tell anyone about his desire to murder a president, so he didn't say anything at the time, and didn't remember much about those conversations with Oswald until long after President Kennedy was murdered. 

Do you believe me? 

Now, try this out.  This if from The Gospel Of Mark, Chapter 5, verse 37, where Jesus raises a little girl from the dead:
 
41  He took her by the hand and said to her, "Talitha koum!" (which means, "Little girl, I say to you, get up!" ).
42  Immediately the girl stood up and walked around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished.
43  He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, and told them to give her something to eat.

Or look at this one from Mark, Chapter 1, verse 32:

32 That evening after sunset the people brought to Jesus all the sick and demon-possessed.
33 The whole town gathered at the door,
34  and Jesus healed many who had various diseases. He also drove out many demons, but he would not let the demons speak because they knew who he was.

The majority of biblical scholars believe that Mark is the oldest of the four canonical gospels.  At the time of Mark's composition, there were still plenty of people alive who had known Jesus or had heard him teach.  Some of them might have been surprised to learn that a group of people called "Christians" was claiming that Jesus was the Messiah, or Savior.  If Jesus was God, they would have heard about it, right?   

This is from Mark, Chapter 3, verse 11:

11 Whenever the evil spirits saw him, they fell down before him and cried out, "You are the Son of God."
12  But he gave them strict orders not to tell who he was.

This is Mark, Chapter 7, verse 33, where Jesus heals a deaf man:

33  After he took him aside, away from the crowd, Jesus put his fingers into the man's ears. Then he spit and touched the man's tongue.
34  He looked up to heaven and with a deep sigh said to him, "Ephphatha!" (which means, "Be opened!" ). 35  At this, the man's ears were opened, his tongue was loosened and he began to speak plainly. 
36  Jesus commanded them not to tell anyone...

This is Mark, Chapter 8, verse 25, where Jesus heals a blind man:

25  Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.
26  Jesus sent him home, saying, "Don't go into the village. (According to the New Internation translation, there are some manuscripts that contain the phrase "Don't go and tell anyone in the village.")

My uncle was in the military with Lee Harvey Oswald. They were good friends.

At one point in their friendship, Oswald confessed to my uncle that one of his ambitions was to assassinate a president.
There's a reason you haven't heard about this until now. Oswald told my uncle not to tell anyone about his desire to murder a president, so my uncle didn't say anything at the time, and didn't remember much about those conversations with Oswald until long after President Kennedy was murdered.
The Warren Commission, which investigated Kennedy's death, would have been fascinated to learn about these conversations.  But my uncle didn't quite understand what Oswald meant.  I didn't understand it until now. 

Mark 8:27

27  Jesus and his disciples went on to the villages around Caesarea Philippi. On the way he asked them, "Who do people say I am?"
28  They replied, "Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, one of the prophets."
29  "But what about you?" he asked. "Who do you say I am?" Peter answered, "You are the Christ."
30  Jesus warned them not to tell anyone about him.

Mark 9:7

7  Then a cloud appeared and enveloped them, and a voice came from the cloud: "This is my Son, whom I love. Listen to him!"
8  Suddenly, when they looked around, they no longer saw anyone with them except Jesus.
9  As they were coming down the mountain, Jesus gave them orders not to tell anyone what they had seen until the Son of Man had risen from the dead.
10  They kept the matter to themselves, discussing what "rising from the dead" meant.

Skeptics would be tempted to say that the events and conversations written about in these verses didn't happen, since they were kept "secret" until long afterwards.  In fact, that's how theologians refer to Jesus's desire to keep his true nature undercover - The Messianic Secret. 

But I'm just sayin'....If there were still people around who knew Jesus only as a homegrown rabbi and teacher, well, claiming that Jesus had sworn his followers to secrecy would be one way to give Jesus posthumous miraculous powers and divine authority. 

Let me get back to what it was like when my uncle and I would discuss Lee Harvey Oswald.  We just couldn't understand (until recently) what he meant when he said "assassinate a president". 

Here's something from Mark 9....

30  They left that place and passed through Galilee. Jesus did not want anyone to know where they were, 31  because he was teaching his disciples. He said to them, "The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of men. They will kill him, and after three days he will rise."
32  But they did not understand what he meant and were afraid to ask him about it.

In other words, the disciples didn't say anything about Jesus being the Messiah while Jesus was alive.  The small group of disciples only "remembered" these conversations much, much later. 

From Mark 10, where Jesus, the disciples, and a large group of camp followers are on their way to Jerusalem....

32  They were on their way up to Jerusalem, with Jesus leading the way, and the disciples were astonished, while those who followed were afraid. Again he took the Twelve aside and told them what was going to happen to him.
33  "We are going up to Jerusalem," he said, "and the Son of Man will be betrayed to the chief priests and teachers of the law. They will condemn him to death and will hand him over to the Gentiles,
34  who will mock him and spit on him, flog him and kill him. Three days later he will rise."

Do you think more Jews would've converted to Christianity if Jesus had made this announcement to the larger group?  He could have easily done so. 

Do you think The Warren Commission Report on the assassination of President Kennedy would have been more believable if it had included my uncle's testimony about his conversations with Lee Harvey Oswald?  If only Oswald had told more people; if only my uncle had talked to The Warren Commission, we wouldn't have so many people doubting The Warren Commission Report....
Maybe my uncle should have said something about Oswald back in the 1950's instead of waiting until the 1980's, when he told me about the conversations. 

Please remember that, according to the majority of biblical scholars, the book of Mark was the first of the gospel stories to be written.  And it's the only one with Jesus telling so many people "Don't tell anyone about this event".  The device tapers off in the later gospels (Matthew and Luke) and in John's gospel, the last to be written, it isn't used at all. 
Mark was probably written in the late 50's or early 60's.  There were still plenty of people around who remembered the rabbi/teacher Jesus.  Would they have been surprised to learn that Jesus healed so many sick people, and cast out so many demons, or predicted that he would rise from the dead? 
Well, yes.  But the disciples had been told to keep these events (or perhaps the ones that could be tied to a specific time and place) a secret.

By the time Luke's gospel was written (in the late 60's or 70's) and a few more witnesses to Jesus's life and teachings had disappeared from the scene, the secrecy is replaced by, well, confusion and ignorance on the part of the disciples.  Here's Luke Chapter 9:

43  And they were all amazed at the greatness of God.  While everyone was marveling at all that Jesus did, he said to his disciples,
44  "Listen carefully to what I am about to tell you: The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of men."
45  But they did not understand what this meant. It was hidden from them, so that they did not grasp it, and they were afraid to ask him about it.

Even the disciples didn't figure it out until much later???  It seems fairly straightforward.  But perhaps that's why Jesus's miracles and prophecies weren't discussed in Palestine until much, much later on.  Perhaps that's why more Jewish people didn't convert to Christianity on the spot. 

This is Luke 18, where Jesus gets even more specific.  Or at least the "memories" are more specific....

31  Jesus took the Twelve aside and told them, "We are going up to Jerusalem, and everything that is written by the prophets about the Son of Man will be fulfilled.
32  He will be handed over to the Gentiles. They will mock him, insult him, spit on him, flog him and kill him. 33  On the third day he will rise again."
34  The disciples did not understand any of this. Its meaning was hidden from them, and they did not know what he was talking about.

Otherwise, they would have told someone.  They would have reacted differently in the days leading up to Jesus' death. 

If my uncle had understood his conversations with Oswald about presidential assassinations, he would have gone to the authorities before that day in November of 1963.  But I'm only remembering this 40 years later.
 
There are more and more biblical scholars who believe that there was a rabbi/teacher named Jesus, a rabbi who taught peace, love, and forgiveness, and this rabbi got crossways with the authorities and was executed.  Long after the fact, people started hanging miracles, healings, prophecies and resurrections onto the Jesus story, claiming that Jesus wanted his true nature kept secret.  Sometimes they claimed that they just didn't understand what Jesus was all about until much later.  Sometimes they claimed that they were simply afraid to tell anyone. 

Here is the original ending of the Gospel of Mark.  At the end of Mark's story, there are no post-resurrection appearance of Jesus, Jesus doesn't suddenly appear in locked rooms to make prophecies, and none of the disciples see the empty tomb.  There are only two women who are going to embalm Jesus's body.  According to the New International Version of the Bible, our "oldest and most reliable manuscripts" end the Jesus story like this.

1  When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus' body.
2  Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb
3  and they asked each other, "Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?"
4  But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away.
5  As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.
6  "Don't be alarmed," he said. "You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him.
7  But go, tell his disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.' "
8  Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.

On Santa Claus and Jesus

I was in the 2nd grade, working on homework at a desk in our den. It must have been close to Christmastime, because my mother was explaining something about Santa Claus to my little sister.
I don't remember my sister's question, but it probably involved the North Pole, elves, reindeer, Rudolph, or (temporal) punishments and rewards for being either naughty or nice. In one blinding moment the Santa Claus/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy Axis Of Impossibility revealed itself to me.
There are no elves. Reindeer can't fly. Old fat guys can't get down chimneys. A giant rabbit can't leave us colorful plastic eggs (from Gibson's department store) filled with coins or candy.
Any fairy with a tooth fetish must be very lonely fairy indeed.

I had figured out the conspiracy, and needed some clarification on the finer points so I looked up from my homework and asked "Hey, there can't be a Santa Claus who brings all this stuff. Is it just you and Daddy, or is it somebody else?"

My Mother went through a frantic series of shushing gestures, throat slashings, and brow-furrowings, and then said something like "Of course there's a Santa Claus", followed by a wink-wink nudge-nudge. Once my sister left the room, she explained that Santa Claus was something that parents did to make Christmas more fun for children, along with a follow-up conversation about the need to conceal this from my sisters and brother. I immediately felt like more of an adult since I was in on what was obviously a very adult secret.

I relished the conversations I could have with my parents and other adults about what other kids were getting from Santa Claus. I had access to the people behind the curtain, the ones who made the magic happen.

I had a friend named Glenn Williams who was a year younger than me. (Note to self: write a post about the day Glenn was working at The Rushing Winery and managed to bottle his thumb.) Another friend, Walt Burns, took Glenn aside one day and told him all about Santa Claus. Glenn has told me at least three times about how mad he got at Walt for doing this.

Up until the time Walt spilled the beans, Glenn had a worldview that included a benevolent old guy who paid attention to his behavior and rewarded him with great stuff every December 25th. People were killing each other in Viet Nam but Santa was watching. Elves were making toys for people who were good, even if kids our age were starving in communist China. And Walt Burns had to ruin everything. There was no magic guy in a sleigh, it was just Pat and Guy B. Williams waiting up past their normal bedtime to bring Glenn's toys down from the attic.
Other kids claimed to believe, or pretended to believe, until they were in the 5th or 6th grade. In their families, once you stopped believing, the quality and quantity of gifts from Santa declined. Why rock the boat?

Flash forward about 15 years.

I briefly attended Southwestern Baptist Theological Cemetery Seminary in Fort Worth. The place seemed to operate on two levels. In some classes the professors spoke as if every word in the Bible was inspired by God, and that all of scripture hung together as a unified statement and plan. But a few other professors would sometimes imply that the book was a mishmash. It was filled with time and place-specific rants that had to be twisted and tortured into relevance. A few brave souls, usually at the doctoral level, would introduce Biblical Criticism into the mix.

(Go here for a Dan Dennett video on what happens when seminary students encounter Biblical Criticism for the first time, but find that they've gone too far to change careers. Go here for something I wrote on the subject a while back. If you don't know the competing gospel stories of the resurrection of Jesus, don't bother. You won't get it.)

No professors publicly confessed any doubts about whether the basic story was true. And by true, I mean in the sense that this event happened, not true in the sense that something is a true to life parable or narrative that can teach us something about blah blah blah....

However, I found that if I could get these professors off the clock, and they would sometimes confirm that doubt was a valid response. Some of them would go so far as to give me further reading on the subject.

But by and large, the main response to doubt went something like this: "These stories have given comfort to millions. They are the foundation of our morality, our ethics, and our hope for the future. They are the received wisdom handed down from previous generations. If they weren't true, would God have given them to us? And one last thing.... people will give 10% or more of their income to spread God's Eternal Truth. But can you imagine anyone giving 10% of his money to spread a story that's just a parable? Churches and ministers that waver in their professed beliefs have a hard time paying the light bill."

In other words, once people start thinking of Santa Claus as a metaphor, you can't rely on them to put out milk and cookies in front of the fireplace.

Go back to the Dennett video above. We now have ministers all over the U.S. who no longer truly believe what they're preaching. So why do they continue?

They don't want to be the Walt Burns who tells Glenn Williams what they've learned. They don't want to hurt their colleagues, financially or professionally, who still claim to take it all literally instead of figuratively. In some groups, to go against the story is to go against the entire tribe, and would mean rejecting family, town, denomination, and (ahem) salary. Sometimes it's too late to re-invent yourself as an insurance salesman, retail manager, or freight broker.

Plus, the church still owes $250,000.00 on the new education wing they built 10 years ago.

When I'm feeling particularly dark, I sometimes tell people that I didn't learn the truth about Santa Claus until I spent 6 years training to be an elf.

Could there be anything sadder than a 25-year old who still believed in Santa?

On the other hand, could there be anything sadder than a 50-year old minister who lives on the same planet as theologian/scholars like Marcus Borg and John Spong, but who continues to proclaim the virgin birth, angelic visitations, and the eternal damnation of dead Muslim teenagers?

Let's make some changes, starting with a few obvious propositions. I don't believe in hell. I don't believe that I'll die and get some wings and a harp either. What happens after we die? I don't know. Neither does anyone else. But we can all agree on what happens to a tree when it dies, can't we? Let's start there.

Here's another one. I don't believe that Jesus got his Mama pregnant with himself.

I don't believe that languages were invented when people got uppity and tried to create a tower that would reach the sky and God felt threatened and punished everybody by giving them different languages. You don't believe that either. I promise, you don't. People... Just... Don't... Believe... That...

So if you're a minister who happens to read this rant, you have the blessing and approval of a lot of people to crawl up into your pulpit Sunday and admit what you don't believe certain things anymore. You're probably a good person with some good ideas. Give your folks something new to think about. The Santa Claus guided by Rudolph/Wise Men guided by the star in the east business - those stories don't work any more.

Sunday morning, tell us what you think will make the world better, without resorting to mythology.

I think you'll feel better afterwards. I feel better just writing all of this.

Merry Christmas !

The Resurrection ! - Adapted For The Stage

I was in the downtown library this afternoon, and saw some papers sticking out of the top of "The Art and Craft of Playwriting", by Jeffery Hatcher. It turned out to be an interesting collection of emails, photocopies of the Bible, rough drafts, and script outlines. Lots and lots of outlines. I believe I have assembled everything from this correspondence in the correct order.

I hope I'm not violating anyone's privacy by publishing this, but it seems like a remarkable project that was abandoned too soon. I encourage others to try it.

*******************************
Jim,
I know we haven't talked or emailed recently, but I've been asked to "fix" the script for a stage version of The Life of Jesus. The group employing me believes that the Bible is the world's #1 bestseller because it is infallible and 100% free from any errors or mistakes. If that's the case, then it really is the highest quality product ever produced, right?

They see a huge market for a stage version. If they can produce an equally "inerrant" script, the dramatic/stage version should be as popular as the printed text. It should earn a fortune on Broadway, right?

The resurrection scene is giving us some trouble. Since there are five accounts of the event in the New Testament, the original playwright was having a hard time blending everything into a single narrative. This is my first time to be called in as a "script doctor".
Remember, this is only a rough draft, (see attachment) but please let me know what you think.

Your friend,

Brad

*********************************
The Resurrection - the infallible and inerrant stage version, rough draft #1, based on the book of Matthew.

Characters: Mary Magdalene, another woman named Mary, an Angel, Two guards, Jesus, Numerous Chief Priests and Elders, Eleven Disciples

Scene: Dawn, Monday in Jerusalem, Sometime around 33 C.E.

Stage design: In the middle of the stage is a tomb with a large stone that can be rolled away from the door as necessary. Overhead rigging is needed to lower an angel to the front of the tomb. To the right of the stage is lighting to simulate "dawn". All trees and bushes around the set must be shaken to simulate an earthquake. A large piece of sheet metal, hanging from a frame offstage, produces the sound of thunder for this earthquake. A mountain scene representing Galilee must be moved into place from stage right.

Mary Magdalene and Mary enter from stage left and approach the tomb. (Matthew 28:1) They're carrying extinguished oil lamps, (no longer burning because of the slowly rising sun). When they are a few feet away from the stone, there is a frightening earthquake. All trees and shrubbery shake violently and thunder echoes across the stage. (Matthew 28:2)
The Angel is lowered to the front of the tomb, and he/she/it rolls away the stone that blocks the door. Rolling away the stone requires superhuman effort and should be accompanied by dramatic music and much flexing and straining on the part of the angel. When finished, the angel calmly sits on top of the stone. The guards begin shaking with fear. The angel looks toward the two women.

Angel: (panting) "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you." (Matthew 28:7)

The women run away from the tomb, stage left. Suddenly Jesus steps in front of them from stage left.

Jesus: "Greetings". (Matthew 28:9)

The women fall to his feet.

Jesus: "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

The women exit stage left. Jesus disappears backstage. The guards rise, rub their eyes, and begin walking downstage. The chief priests and elders enter from stage right.

Guard #1: We were guarding the tomb.
Guard #2: There was an earthquake.
Guard #1: An angel came down from heaven and rolled away the stone.
Guard #2: The angel told a couple of women that Jesus has risen. (Matthew 28:11)

The chief priests and elders participate in a brief huddle, then turn to the guards with bags of money.

Chief Priest: Here's some money. You are to say "His disciples came during the night and stole him away while you were asleep. If this report gets to the governor, we will satisfy him and keep you out of trouble." (Matthew 28:14)

The soldiers take the money and exit stage right.

The curtain briefly closes and re-opens to show a depiction of Galilee. Jesus appears to eleven disciples on top of a mountain. (Matthew 28:16)

Jesus: "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)

Curtain

*****************************************************

Dear Brad,

I LOVE what you've done so far. (How do you feel about the Olsen twins playing the two Marys? It's just a thought....)

However, I've got a few reservations about using only one source text to tell the story. There are three other gospels, right? See if you can work in some dialogue from those other guys.

I could see Russell Crowe as the angel. What do you think?

-Jim

**********************************************************

Jim,
Thanks for the advice. In this next draft, (see attachment) I've tried to make the scene totally consistent with the book of Mark. It's been difficult, since the oldest manuscripts of Mark all end at verse 8 of Chapter 16. Not as much text to work with, but it is the account that most scholars believe was written first. I think it is much more human, more believable, and much more intense. Please let me know what you think. I'll combine it with the material in the previous version later.
Your friend,
Brad

The Resurrection - the infallible and inerrant stage version, rough draft #2, based on the book of Matthew and Mark.

Characters: Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, an Angel, Two guards, Jesus, Numerous Chief Priests and Elders, Eleven Disciples, Salome, who carries a basket of spices, A Young Man in a white robe.

Scene: Sunrise, Monday in Jerusalem, Sometime around 33 C.E.

Stage design: In the middle of the stage is a tomb with a large stone that can be rolled away from the door as necessary is carefully placed to the left of the open door of the tomb. Rigging must be in place to lower an angel to the front of the tomb The Young Man in the white robe is waiting inside the tomb as the curtain rises. All trees and bushes around the set must be shaken to simulate an earthquake. A large piece of sheet metal is necessary to produce the sound of thunder associated with the earthquake. A mountain scene representing Galilee must be moved into place from state right.

Mary Magdalene and Mary and Salome (with a basket of spices) enter from stage left and approach the tomb. (Mark 16:1)

Salome: "Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?" (Mark 16:3)

As they approach the tomb, they slap themselves on their foreheads in amazement. The stone has already been rolled away. (Mark 16:4) The three women walk inside the tomb, where they see the Young Man In A White Robe. They are obviously alarmed. (Mark 16:5)
When they are a few feet away from the stone, there is a frightening earthquake. All trees and shrubbery shake violently and thunder echoes across the stage.
The Angel is lowered to the front of the tomb, and he/she/it rolls away the stone, then sits on top of it. The guards begin shaking with fear.

Angel: "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."

The women run away from the tomb, stage left. Suddenly Jesus steps in front of them from stage left.

Young Man In A White Robe: "Don't be alarmed. You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen ! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.'" (Mark 16:7)
Jesus: "Greetings".

The women fall to his feet.

Jesus: "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

The women exit stage left. Jesus disappears backstage. The guards rise, rub their eyes, and begin walking downstage. The chief priests and elders enter from stage right.

Guard #1: We were guarding the tomb.
Guard #2: There was an earthquake.
Guard #1: An angel came down from heaven and rolled away the stone.
Guard #2: The angel told a couple of women that Jesus has risen.

The chief priests and elders participate in a brief huddle, then turn to the guards.

Chief Priest: Here's some money. You are to say "His disciples came during the night and stole him away while you were asleep. If this report gets to the governor, we will satisfy him and keep you out of trouble."

The soldiers take the money and exit stage right.

The curtain briefly closes and re-opens to show a depiction of Galilee. Jesus appears to eleven disciples on top of a mountain.

Jesus: "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

The women run from the tomb, stage left, trembling and bewildered. They say nothing to anyone, because they are obviously afraid. (Mark 16:8)

Curtain

**********************************************

Dear Brad,

I hate to tell you this, but I'm disappointed. What happened to the earthquake? What about the lightning? I thought this play had a huge special effects budget.....

What happened to the soldiers? How are we going to convince Russell Crowe to show up if he's just a young man in a white robe and not an angel?

Oh, and where is Jesus? You mean to tell me that you've written a scene about the resurrection of Jesus that doesn't include Jesus?

There's no dramatic arc to your story.

Mark is the oldest of the four Gospels, right? If that's the case, then lose him. Any Gospel author who writes an account of the Resurrection without including Jesus.....well, that writer doesn't have any business writing a Bible story.

You need some action. You need to add additional scenes. You need some music. The three women can't just leave the tomb and not tell anybody what they've seen. Is that really all there is in the book of Mark? Your latest draft makes "My Dinner With Andre" look like "Die Hard 3".

Show me what you can do.

-Jim

******************************************

The Resurrection - the infallible and inerrant stage version, rough draft #3, based on the Gospel of Matthew Mark Luke.

Characters: Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, some other women, Two Men in Clothes that gleam like lightning, Jesus, two people going to Emmaus, and Eleven Disciples.

Scene: Sunrise, Monday in Jerusalem, Sometime around 33 C.E.

Stage design: In the middle of the stage is a tomb with a large stone placed to the left of the door. Several strips of linen litter the floor inside the tomb. Special lights are required for the two men in clothes that gleam like lightning.

Stage right represents a rural road for the scene going into Emmaus. A table is needed for the bread breaking in Emmaus. An area on the left side of the stage represents Bethany, where Jesus ascends to heaven. Rigging is required for an authentic ascension.

Mary Magdalene, Joanna, and Mary the mother of James enter from stage left and approach the tomb. Their lamps aren't burning, since it is already early morning (Luke 24:1) Through hand gestures, they express their surprise that the stone has already been rolled away from the entrance. Suddenly, two men in clothes that gleam like lightning appear before them. (Luke 24:4) The Women bow their heads to the ground in fear.

Two men in clothes that gleam like lightning: "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here' he has risen ! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: 'The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.' " (Luke 24:7)

The women walk away from the tomb, stage left, where they are met by Eleven Disciples.

Mary: We were going to the tomb to prepare Jesus' body with spices, but the body was missing. Two men in clothes that gleam like lightning told us that Jesus wasn't there, and that he'd risen. Remember when Jesus said he'd be crucified and on the third day be raised again?" (Luke 24:9)

The disciples scratch their heads, trying to remember if Jesus ever said any such thing.

Disciples: We don't believe you. Your words, to us, sound like nonsense. (Luke 24:11)

Peter runs into the tomb, bends over, and looks at the strips of linen littering the floor. He walks away, wondering what really happened. (Luke 24:12) Peter doesn't want to return to his fishing career, and wonders if there might be some way to make some money off all this.

Resurrection Appearances Montage
From the orchestra pit comes the piano introduction to a familiar song. At first it is too faint to be heard clearly, but after about 30 seconds (which gives the crew time to set up the scene on the Road To Emmaus) we recognize it as Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You".

Whitney Houston (sung): "If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way."

Two People Going To Emmaus enter from stage right. (Luke 24:13) Jesus approaches from backstage and begins walking with them. They read the lengthy dialogue found in Luke 24:17-27.

Whitney Houston:
"And I......will always
Love youuuuuuu....
I will alwaaaaaaayss
Loooooove Youuuuuuu..."

The two men invite Jesus to stay with them in Emmaus, and they approach the table at stage left, where Jesus breaks bread, gives thanks, and gives them pieces of the bread. There is a blinding flash of light, and Jesus disappears. (Luke 24:31)

One Of The Men Going To Emmaus: Hey, that was Jesus ! It had to be ! I wonder why we couldn't recognize him?

The Second Man Going to Emmaus: Yeah, it had to have been Jesus. Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us? (Luke 24:32)

The two men begin the long run from Emmaus to Jerusalem, a journey of 7 miles. (Luke 24:33)

Whitney Houston:
"I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all
you've dreamed of.
And I wish you joy
and happiness.
But above all this,
I wish you looooove."

The two men continue to simulate running in place toward Jerusalem. Assuming world record 4-minute miles, this scene will last 28 minutes or longer. Be prepared to play the Whitney Houston recording as many times as necessary.

Whitney Houston:
"And I......will always
Love youuuuuuu....
I will alwaaaaaaayss
Loooooove Youuuuuuu..."

The two men finally return to Jerusalem, where they find the remaining eleven disciples, plus some hangers-on.

Two Men: It's true ! The Lord has risen and has appeared to Simon. We were walking to Emmaus, and a man joined us on the road. We didn't recognize him until he broke some bread. Jesus always had a very distinctive way of breaking bread ! (Luke 24:35)

The Disciples: (Talk amongst themselves)

At this point, they look around and see that Jesus is standing among them.

Jesus: Peace be with you. (Luke 24:36)

The disciples begin to tremble with fear. As the instrumental music continues, Jesus recites the verses found in Luke 24:38-49, while allowing the disciples to see his wounded hands and feet, and eating some fish (Luke 24:43).

Jesus leads them to an area representing the town of Bethany. He lifts his hands to bless them, and then begins to slowly ascend to heaven. (Luke 24:51)

Whitney Houston:
"And I......will always
Love youuuuuuu....
I will alwaaaaaaayss
Loooooove Youuuuuuu..."

Curtain

***************************************

Dear Brad,

Now you're on to something. You can make this work. I don't know how you're going to reconcile the action in this draft with the first two, but at least you've got a decent storyline to work with.

Why didn't they include all this great material in the older versions? And I'm glad we're back to having two angels, or men in clothes that look like lightning. Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman, maybe? I've become interested in this, and have started doing some reading on my own. Please send me your treatment from the Gospel of John as soon as you finish it.

-Jim

***************************************

The Resurrection - the infallible and inerrant stage version, rough draft #4, based on the Gospel of Matthew Mark Luke John.

Characters: Mary Magdalene, Simon Peter, The Disciple That Jesus Loved, Two Angels In White, Jesus, Thomas, The other disciples

Scene: Before Sunrise, while it is still dark. Monday in Jerusalem, Sometime around 33 C.E.

Stage design: In the middle of the stage is a tomb with a large stone placed to the left of the door. Several strips of linen litter the floor inside the tomb. Over the stage are several small spotlights, which illuminate the main characters in the pre-dawn darkness. There is a burial cloth on the floor that was once wrapped around Jesus' head. To the left of the stage is a small set representing a room in Jerusalem. Another backdrop represents the Sea of Tiberias. A boat large enough to hold several disciples waits offstage, and holds a net. Inside the net are 153 fish. (152 obviously wouldn't be enough. 154, of course, is too many.)

Mary Magdalene enters from stage left. She is carrying a functioning oil lamp, since it is still dark (John 20:1). The flame from her lamp is the only thing visible in the darkness. A spotlight gradually comes on to reveal Mary Magdalene to the audience. She walks to the tomb in the dark, and holds the lamp inside to see that the stone has been removed from the entrance, turns around and returns to Stage Left, where she sees Simon Peter and The Disciple That Jesus Loved (TDTJL - John 20:2).

Mary Magdalene: They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don't know where they hav put him !

Simon Peter and TDTJL run toward the tomb, and TDTJL arrives first. TDTJL looks into the tomb, but doesn't go inside. Simon Peter walks into the tomb and sees the burial cloths on the floor. TDTJL then goes inside. They don't understand that Jesus has risen from the dead (John 20:9). They are puzzled.
Everyone leaves the tomb to go home except Mary Magdalene, who stands outside the tomb crying. While she is crying, she looks inside the tomb and sees Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman two angels dressed in white. They are seated in the area where Jesus' body had been.

Two Angels: Woman, why are you crying?

Mary Magdalene: They have taken my Lord away, and I don't know where they have put him.

Jesus suddenly appears outside the tomb. Mary Magdalene doesn't realize that it is Jesus. She thinks he is a gardener.

Jesus: Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?

Mary Magdalene: Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.

Jesus: Mary.

Mary Magdalene: Teacher !

Mary Magdalene moves toward Jesus, arms open wide. Jesus remembers Mary Magdalene's former profession, and that the two angels are still watching, and that angels tend to gossip.

Jesus: Do not hold onto me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father, to my God and your God.' "

Mary Magdalene runs to Stage Right, where the disciples are waiting in a locked house, since they are afraid of Jews (John 20:19)

Mary Magdalene: I have seen the Lord !

As Mary Magdalene is telling the disciples all the other things that happened, Jesus suddenly appears among them. Andrew, one of the disciples, rises to check the locks. Andrew is obviously concerned that despite all his precautions, a Jew got in the house.

Jesus: Peace be with you !

Jesus shows the disciples his hands and side. The disciples are overjoyed. (John 20:20)

Jesus: Peace be with you ! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.

Jesus breathes on them, laying the groundwork for the doctrine of The Trinity in about 300 more years.

Jesus: Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven. (John 20:22)

The disciples are obviously pleased to hear this, and appear to be drunk with power.

The curtain briefly closes, and re-opens to show the same room later that evening. Thomas is now at the center of the room.

Disciples: We have seen the Lord !

Thomas: Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.

The curtain briefly closes, and re-opens to show all of the disciples in same room exactly one week later (John 20:26) as noted by a Page-A-Day calendar resting on a table near the front of the stage. Jesus suddenly appears among them. Once again, Andrew goes from door to door checking the locks.

Jesus: Peace be with you ! Thomas, put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop your doubting and believe.

Thomas simultaneously feels Jesus' right hand and left side. (The director should resist the temptation to have the two of them do a waltz while locked into this position. There is no mention of any dance is John's gospel.)

Thomas: My Lord and my God ! (John 20:28)

Jesus: Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.

The Voice Of James Earl Jones/Narrator: Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name. (John 20:30-31)

From the orchestra pit comes the piano introduction to a familiar song. It's too soft to recognize at first, but we later recognize R Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly".

R Kelly: "I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly"

Jesus leaves the room, and begins performing miracles and other miraculous signs. He gives sight to the blind, causes the lame to walk, and bails out the Big 3 chariot makers.

There is a brief curtain to set up the Sea Of Tiberias scene.

The Voice Of James Earl Jones/Narrator: Afterward Jesus appeared again to his disciples by the Sea of Tiberias. It happened this way: Simon Peter, Thomas, Nathanael, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples were together. So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. (John 21:3)
Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.

Jesus: Had any luck yet? Are they biting? What are you using for bait? Caught anything yet? (John 21:5)

Disciples (irritated): No.

Jesus: Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.

The disciples struggle to bring their nets on board because of all the fish. (John 21:6)

R Kelly: See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me oohh
If I can see it, then I can be it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it...
I believe I can fly....

Simon Peter jumps into the water with his corner of the net. The other disciples remain in the boat, pulling the net full of 153 fish. By the time they arrive on shore, Jesus has a fire going and some fish cooking. (John 21:9)

Jesus: Bring some of the fish you just caught.

They drag the net to dry land.

Jesus: Come have some breakfast. (John 21:12)

Voice Of James Earl Jones/Narrator: None of the disciples dared ask him, "Who are you?" They knew it was the Lord.....

Jesus takes the bread and gives it to the disciples, along with some fish.

Voice Of James Earl Jones/Narrator: This was now the third time Jesus appeared to his disciples after he was raised from the dead.

Jesus, Simon Peter, TDTJL, and the other disciples give a straightforward reading of the dialogue found in John 21: 15-24.

Voice Of James Earl Jones/Narrator: Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written. (John 21:25)

Curtain

*******************************

Brad,
That last line of you latest draft...."If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written."
All I can say is, thank God we don't have those other books to worry about.

I do have one other suggestion for you. In an earlier email, I told you I've been doing some reading on my own. I Corinthians, chapter 15, verses 3 though 8? Have you ever read it?

Paul says in I Corinthians that after Jesus rose on the third day after his crucifixion, Jesus first appeared to Peter, then to the Twelve Disciples, then to 500 other people, then to James, then to the apostles, and then to him (Paul).

That's supposed to be infallible and without error also, right? Why don't you start with that, and then see how you can make the gospel stories fit into Paul's I Corinthians story?

Just a suggestion.....

Your friend,

Jim

***************************

Jim,
I hate to tell you, but I've given up on this project. I've used up 15 legal pads, two Bibles, and countless hours on the internet trying to make the pieces of this puzzle fit together. All of the funding for the Off-Broadway production has dried up; the producers are now working on a stage play that will explain Fidel Castro's role in The Kennedy Assassination.
I didn't even make it to Paul's story in I Corinthians. I wish you hadn't sent those verses to me. They make my head hurt. I don't remember how Paul died, but I hope it was painful.
I've been reading a lot also, mostly books by a guy named Dan Barker.
I'm also interested in some guys named Marcus Borg and John Shelby Spong, and anyone else who doesn't use the words "inerrant" or "infallible".

Your friend,

Brad

John Shelby Spong's 12 Theses

John Shelby Spong, the former Anglican/Episcopalian bishop of Newark, New Jersey, created one of his signature whirlwinds ten years ago by proposing the following "12 Theses".

Modeled on the 99 Theses that Martin Luther nailed to the Wittenburg door in 1517, Spong claims to have written these in the most provocative language possible in order to provoke internet debate. Here's just one link to some of the many responses he provoked. (I apologize ahead of time for the blaring background on that site....)
Spong has been accused of atheism and heresy, but his critics have difficulty attacking his arguments. They usually end up attacking the implications of his arguments.

Here are Bishop Spong's 12 articles for debate. All italics are mine.

1. Theism, as a way of defining God, is dead. So most theological God-talk is today meaningless. A new way to speak of God must be found. In other words, it makes no sense to speak of God in terms of a personality with likes and dislikes.

2. Since God can no longer be conceived in theistic terms, it becomes nonsensical to seek to understand Jesus as the incarnation of the theistic deity. So the Christology of the ages is bankrupt. Once you come to terms with the idea that God doesn't intervene, you're probably going to look into when the concept of the Trinity came into being. The answer is somewhere around 300 A.D., and it remained vague until 451 A.D.

3. The biblical story of the perfect and finished creation from which human beings fell into sin is pre-Darwinian mythology and post-Darwinian nonsense. Yeah, it's mythology, and it's nonsense, but most cultures have a creation story. These stories were useful devices for the patriarchy to blame women for the ills of the age - whether the story is of Eve and the apple, or Pandora opening a box and allowing sin and evil into the world.


4. The virgin birth, understood as literal biology, makes Christ's divinity, as traditionally understood, impossible. If you accept the idea that God does intervene, I guess that it's possible. However, virgin birth stories were already in place long before the birth of Christ. Only two of the four gospels mention a virgin birth, and the apostle Paul acts like he never heard of it. Plus, the idea that it's the fulfillment of a prophecy is on very shaky linguistic ground. Most evidence points to the virgin birth as a late arrival in the Jesus story.


5. The miracle stories of the New Testament can no longer be interpreted in a post-Newtonian world as supernatural events performed by an incarnate deity. When you think about it, they do seem kind of random. Plus, after an astonishing number of his miracles, Jesus instructs bystanders to tell no one about the miracle. 40 years from now, people could write stories about Bill Clinton healing people in Rosebud, Arkansas. You don't remember Bill Clinton healing anyone in Arkansas? Of course you don't. He told us not to tell anyone about it.


6. The view of the cross as the sacrifice for the sins of the world is a barbarian idea based on primitive concepts of God and must be dismissed. Yeah, if I've offended you in some way, I can't make up for it by going into the back yard and slaughtering a few dachshunds. The substitutionary atonement idea doesn't hold up very well in the 21st century.

7. Resurrection is an action of God. Jesus was raised into the meaning of God. It therefore cannot be a physical resuscitation occurring inside human history. How can we know that Lazarus wasn't physically resurrected and that Jesus wasn't physically resurrected? The same way we know that a talking snake didn't trick Eve into eating an apple. It just doesn't happen. Perhaps I'm oversimplifying Bishop Spong's statement here....

8. The story of the Ascension assumed a three-tiered universe and is therefore not capable of being translated into the concepts of a post-Copernican space age. We can look everywhere for heaven (and hell), but never find either of them.

9. There is no external, objective, revealed standard writ in scripture or on tablets of stone that will govern our ethical behavior for all time. By the time Jesus was born, parts of the Old Testament were already seen as barbaric, a pain in the rear to deal with, or a control mechanism. If Jesus (with Paul's help) hadn't found a way to circumvent them, someone else probably would have done so.
Many conservative theologians call these different time periods "dispensations", and argue that God has interacted with man at different times in different ways. They say that the Old Testament era was one dispensation under one set of God's rules, and the New Testament was another dispensation. Spong argues that we simply outgrow our theologies, and they need replacing just like we continually replace outdated scientific beliefs.

10. Prayer cannot be a request made to a theistic deity to act in human history in a particular way. Well, it can be, but nothing comes of it. I can't conceive of an all-powerful God who would respond to a pre-game prayer for the health of football players, but who would not intervene to prevent the death of a child.

11. The hope for life after death must be separated forever from the behavior control mentality of reward and punishment. The Church must abandon, therefore, its reliance on guilt as a motivator of behavior. Plus, the eternal reward/eternal punishment concept was a fairly recent development in the Jewish worldview. Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob never heard of it. The idea that God will allow an eternal punishment puts him in a far worse league than Hitler, Stalin, Mao, or whoever was responsible for Abu Ghraib.

12. All human beings bear God's image and must be respected for what each person is. Therefore, no external description of one's being, whether based on race, ethnicity, gender or sexual orientation, can properly be used as the basis for either rejection or discrimination. The Jews aren't God's chosen people, the Germans aren't the Master Race, China isn't halfway between earth and heaven, Men aren't necessarily superior to women, heterosexuality is no more normal than right-handedness, and God didn't curse the African race by turning one of Noah's sons black. End of story.

Some friends of mine lost a child to Leukemia this morning. I'm at a loss for something meaningful to say to them. Maybe that's why I'm seriously digging into John Spong again.
I wish I could tell my friends that their daughter's gone to be with God, or that there's a higher purpose involved here, or that this is all part of a plan.
The theology of my childhood seems like a random collection of superstitions and dogmas, and doesn't do me much good any longer.

I believe that someone named Jesus lived, taught, and died, and that he was probably killed for standing up to the religious system of his day.
I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that any God wanted, or even allowed, Jesus to die.

I don't believe that the being known as "God" wanted my friend's daughter to die. I can't go there.

It's time for a new way of looking at the world.
The old one doesn't work any more.

Paul Verhoeven, The Jesus Seminar, and "Jesus of Nazareth: A Realistic Portrait"

Film Director Paul Verhoeven, who brought the "Robocop" and "Basic Instinct" movies into the world, happens to be a member of the controversial Jesus Seminar group. They're also known as the Westar Institute. (See Blogroll to your right.)

Verhoeven is making a movie called "Jesus of Nazareth: A Realistic Portrait". Among the many ideas resurrected by the movie will be some anti-early church propaganda that Mary was raped by a Roman soldier. This soldier, instead of Joseph, was the father of Jesus.

That should get 'em fired up.

There will be a swarm of publicity about the Jesus Seminar as a result of this film. The group is comprised of top-notch Biblical scholars whose major work concentrates, not on What Would Jesus Do, but on What DID Jesus Do. What did he really say.

For instance, if you look at the last half of the last chapter of the Gospel of Mark, you'll notice that there is usually a page break of a few lines before the last eight or nine verses. The footnotes (in the newer Bibles) claim that these last verses aren't in the oldest manuscripts, but are of a more recent vintage.

The Jesus Seminar scholars believe that these additions to ancient texts were a widespread practice.
Please allow me to recommend the following: The Five Gospels: What did Jesus really say? The search for the authentic words of Jesus, by seminar member (and founder, I think) Robert Funk. Interesting stuff. The passages that they believe are most authentic are printed in a darker color, the least authentic are another color. Various shades are used to show the ones in between. Detailed reasons are given for these choices.

Or don't read the book. Don't see the movie. Remain fiercely loyal to your current beliefs, and refuse to have them challenged.

By the way, a good friend of mine has loaned me an actual Geneva Bible. Printed in 1610. Fascinating book. People risked their lives to get this book printed and distributed.