My Sermon at the NORML meeting

My buddy Tristan Tucker asked me to speak at the recent DFW/NORML meeting. 
NORML is the National Organization For The Reform Of Marijuana Laws. 

I decided to take on a Southern Baptist Preacher persona and give the smokers and tokers a sermon.  It was well-received. 

BTW, only a Libertarian would selectively edit the Old Testament to improve the flow.  Yes, we really do believe we can improve on stuff supposedly written by God. 

Enjoy. 

My name is the Reverend Doctor Allen Patterson, and I bring you greetings from the First Church Of The Tarrant County Libertarian Party!!  Our text for today is from the Book of 1^st Samuel, Chapter 8.

Look it up on your phone so you won’t think I’m making this stuff up.  Way back in the day, Israel was governed by a small group of judges, and their only job was to intervene in disputes, enforce the laws of the land, and protect the borders. 

Does that sound nice?  Yeah, that sounds nice.  1 Samuel, Chapter 8. 

⁴ One day the people of Israel came to Samuel The Prophet ⁵ and said, “You are an old man.  Now we want a king to be our leader,  just like all the other nations. We want a king!  Choose one for us!”

⁶ Samuel was upset to hear the leaders say they wanted a king, so he prayed about it. ⁷ The Lord answered:

“They aren’t rejecting you and your judges, Samuel.  They’re rejecting me. ⁹ Do everything they ask, but warn them and tell them how a king will treat them.

¹⁰ Samuel told the people who were asking for a king what the Lord had said:

¹¹ If you have a king, this is how he will treat you. He will force your sons to join his army. Some of them will drive his chariots, and some will be in his cavalry.  Your other children will have to farm the king’s land and harvest his crops, or make the king’s weapons and parts for his chariots. <sup>13 

And the people STILL said “Give us a king!”</sup> 

And Samuel said “Your daughters will have to make his perfume or do his cooking and baking.” And the people Still said “Give us a king!”

¹⁴ The king will take your best fields, as well as your vineyards, and olive orchards and give them to his own officials. ¹⁵ He will also take a tenth of your grain and grapes and give it to his officers and his officials.  (Can you imagine the government taking only a tenth??)

And the people Still said “Give us a king!”

¹⁶ And Samuel said “this king will take your best young men and your donkeys and make them do his work. ¹⁷ He will also take a tenth of your sheep and goats. You will become the king’s slaves, ¹⁸ and you will finally cry out for the Lord to save you from the king you wanted.

^19-20 The people would not listen to Samuel. “No!” they said. “We want to be like other nations. We want a king to rule us and lead us in battle.”

²¹ Samuel listened to them and then told the Lord exactly what the people had said.

And the Lord answered. “So…..Give them a king.”

Thus ends the reading of today’s word from the Lord. 

DFW/NORML, for 3,000 years we’ve known how kings and governments behave.  And yet some of us still say “Give Us A King!”  There's a little girl named Emma sitting at this front table.  She's totally innocent.  Never spent a dime in her life.  Our kings and their government and their reckless spending have put Emma $50,000.00 in debt.  If  Emma’s foolish enough to grow up to be a taxpayer, her share of the national debt is $110,000.00

Emma's share of the unfunded retirements, Social Security payments and other liabilities?  ONE MILLION DOLLARS. 

And some of us still say “Give Us A King”. 

The Richard Nixon through Barack Obama Drug War has killed 40,000 civilians in Mexico.  We have as many as 800,000 people in prison for non-violent drug offenses.  It costs 40 to 50,000 each, per year, to keep these people in a steel cage. 

And we still say “Give Us A King.”

George Bush, Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Barack Obama, Al Gore, Arnold Schwarzenegger and RICK FREAKIN’ SANTORUM all affirm that they have smoked marijuana, all of them would’ve had their careers ended if they’d been busted as kids, and ALL OF THEM STILL SUPPORT THE WAR ON MARIJUANA.  And their parties still say “Give Us A King”. 

Because of the war on marijuana, Barack Obama has more black men living in cages than Jefferson Davis and the Confederacy did at the start of the Civil War.

And the people still say “Give Us A King”. 

Church family, my brothers and sisters at DFW/NORML, we are all sinners.  There is none who is righteous, no, not one.  We have all, in our sinful pasts, voted for Republicans and Democrats, the people who got us into the mess predicted in the Book of First Samuel 3,000 years ago.  We’ve all done it. 

But there is a way out.  And it’s called The Tarrant County Libertarian Party.   Are you ready to end the war on marijuana?  Are you ready to get the government out of your life?  ARE YOU READY? 

Brother Ken Stanford is waiting at the table in the back, along with the rest of our trained counseling staff.  Though your sins be as scarlet, we can make them white as snow.  Though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.  There is no other way, there is no other path.  If the other parties could get you out of this hole you’re in, they would’ve done it by now instead of digging it deeper. 

ARE YOU READY TO MAKE A DECISION FOR CHRIST???

So….

May the Lord Bless you and keep you, May the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you.

May God give you the grace never to sell yourself short;

Grace to risk something big for something good

Grace to remember that the world is now too dangerous for anything but truth and too small for anything but love and tolerance for all….

So may God take your minds and think through them,

May God take your lips and speak through them,  And may God take your hearts, and set them on fire. 

Amen. 

On missing church for three years

With the exception of Christmases and the occasional Easter and a couple of Messiahsings, I haven't attended a church service in about three years. 

For the first 21 years of my life, church filled me.  It consumed me.  I not only believed that the entire church message was true, I believed that it was worthwhile.  Part of this was because almost everyone I knew believed the same basic narrative - God created the earth, people were sinful, God experimented with a system of animal sacrifices to appease himself, and then became human to offer himself as a sacrifice.  But he didn't die.  He was resurrected after three days. 

If you believed that story, you would be "saved".  If not, you'd be tortured forever. 

I started having doubts about the story sometime during my college years.  After that, I briefly attended seminary.  I didn't get any answers, but learned quite a bit about church history, theology, and how to properly ask a theological question. 

Later on, I joined a "moderate" or "progressive" Baptist church.  Yeah, there are such things.

I don't believe the story any more.  Why?  Because it didn't happen.  It simply isn't true.     

Of the four ministers who have worked there in the last 25 years or so, I know that two of them don't believe in Hell, and I'm confident that the other two don't either.  It never came up in conversation. 

So why have all four of them stood up in front of their followers and danced around the issue?  I think there is some worthwhile stuff in the book we know as "Bible".  There's also a lot of tribal, harmful junk.  What is the purpose of listening to someone stand up and talk for 20 minutes when his obvious goal is to get through his speech without pissing off the old people?  (That sounds harsher than I mean it to be, but I don't know how else to say it.)

But dammit, I want there to be something worthwhile happening in a church.  I know Bible, hymns, parables, psalms, and theology.  I know that church people give more to the poor than any other segment of society.  I want to be a part of something like that. 

I have no idea where I'm going with this.  I've learned that the more honest and vocal I am about politics, people, life, morality and almost everything else, the more people confide that they share those opinions. 

So there you have it.  Jesus didn't walk on water.  Moses didn't part the Red Sea.  Helen Keller isn't in hell.  The idea of someone or something else being punished for your mistakes is repugnant to me, and I hope that it is to you. 

If you grew up a devout Baptist, this kicks the supports out from under your worldview.  What is the meaning of life, if earth isn't a proving ground to separate the sheep from the goats and the saved from the unsaved?

Hmmmm.....

Later on this afternoon The Aggie and I are going to drive down to Waco and hang out with some friends.  We're going to fill pumpkins with an explosive called Tannerite and then shoot them with with high-powered rifles.  It's going to be awesome. 

Jesus and Ayn Rand

A friend of mine sent out a group email about Ayn Rand a few days ago.  The recipients were mostly church members.  Here’s the gist of it…..

A few days ago, (spouse) and I watched a documentary about the life and work of Ayn Rand.  She summed up her philosophy in two words:  objective reality.  Even though her parents were Jewish, at about age 10, she confided to her diary that she was an atheist.   Possibly she used objective reality because, leaving The Soviet Union in 1926, she saw how propaganda and coercion could create false reality and control people.  She abhorred altruism, the idea on which Communism and Nazism were able to function by convincing people that the individual is unimportant, that only the group, the nation is worthy of dedication.  She believed each person should pursue self interest openly without deception.

Is it possible that, when we do something good or charitable, we do so in order to feel better about ourselves, to earn approval of our peer group or, in some cases,  to earn a reward after death?  If true, it would mean the person doing good is acting on enlightened self interest. 

I realize you may consider this silly and unworthy of thought or comment, but if you have any thoughts on Rand's work or this  subject, I would be glad to receive them.   Possibly you will share your thoughts with this group of addressees.

I sent back the following, from Rand’s 1964 Playboy interview:

“My views on charity are very simple. I do not consider it a major virtue and, above all, I do not consider it a moral duty. There is nothing wrong in helping other people, if and when they are worthy of the help and you can afford to help them. I regard charity as a marginal issue. What I am fighting is the idea that charity is a moral duty and a primary virtue.

The fact that a man has no claim on others (i.e., that it is not their moral duty to help him and that he cannot demand their help as his right) does not preclude or prohibit good will among men and does not make it immoral to offer or to accept voluntary, non-sacrificial assistance.

It is altruism that has corrupted and perverted human benevolence by regarding the giver as an object of immolation, and the receiver as a helplessly miserable object of pity who holds a mortgage on the lives of others—a doctrine which is extremely offensive to both parties, leaving men no choice but the roles of sacrificial victim or moral cannibal . . . .

To view the question in its proper perspective, one must begin by rejecting altruism’s terms and all of its ugly emotional aftertaste—then take a fresh look at human relationships. It is morally proper to accept help, when it is offered, not as a moral duty, but as an act of good will and generosity, when the giver can afford it (i.e., when it does not involve self-sacrifice on his part), and when it is offered in response to the receiver’s virtues, not in response to his flaws, weaknesses or moral failures, and not on the ground of his need as such.”

This prompted a few emails about Rand’s atheism, and the vast philosophical chasm that separates Ayn Rand and Jesus.  Here’s a sample, from a guy I genuinely admire:

Ayn Rand was very clear that her personal philosophy is the antithesis of the Christian teaching on selfless love.  She disagreed with Jesus in a fundamental way and made no bones about it.  It follows, therefore, that if Christians are attracted to her philosophy they are either confused, they think Rand seriously misread Jesus, or they see Christianity as a private matter with few moral implications.  I think Rand was right on the money.  The two philosophies are antithetical.  Jesus has my vote.

It went on for a while longer.  Most of the people copied on the email were good church people, all of whom I respect and admire.  I like to think that these are the people who would come to my aid if my family were to get into serious trouble.  I like to think that I would help them out in similar circumstances.  But I started thinking about what Rand said and what Jesus said.  NOT how they’ve both been interpreted, but what they actually said. 
Jesus supposedly said the following, in Matthew 6.  The additional italics are mine, for emphasis:

No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon (money).

Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

Behold the birds of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much better than they?
 
Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his height?

And why do you worry about clothing?   Look at the lilies of the field, how they grow; they don't work, neither do they spin fabric for themselves:

And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not dressed like one of these flowers.

Wherefore, if God so clothes the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, you of little faith?

Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, How shall we be clothed?

(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knows that ye have need of all these things.

But seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

That's kinda intense. 
Don't worry about what you're going to eat or drink. 
Look at the birds.  They don't grow crops, but God cares about them and provides for them.  Aren't you better than they are? 
Consider the flowers.  They don't work.  They don't make fabric, or anything else, yet they're more beautiful than Solomon! 
 

Here’s Matthew 5:40 – 42:  And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away your coat, let him have your cloak also. And if someone forces you to carry his load for a mile, go with him for two miles. Give to him that asks upi, and from him that would borrow of you, turn not him away”.

Translated: If the damn lawyers take away your jacket, let 'em have your overcoat also.  If someone forces you to carry their load for a mile, go ahead and put in two miles.  GIVE to anyone who wants what you have, and if someone wants to borrow from you DO NOT turn them away. 

Luke 14:12-14: “Then said he also to him that asked him, When you make a dinner or a supper, call not your friends, nor your brethren, neither your kinsmen, nor your rich neighbors; lest they also ask tyou again, and a recompense be made thee. But when you make a feast, call the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind: and you shall be blessed; for they cannot recompense you: for you shall be paid back at the resurrection of the just”
 
Don't have family over for dinner.  Ever.  Never, ever, ever.  Always feed the street people first. 
 
Now.... Compare Ayn Rand's statements on charity with those of Jesus.  I only know of one Christian who lives his life according to the statements of Christ quoted above, and most people think the guy is stark raving mad.  Maybe he is. 
 
Everyone that I know, and I mean everyone, Christian or not, tries to maintain health and life insurance, and keep up their house payments.  They try to get educations so they can provide for themselves and their families.  I've never seen anyone go into debt so they can feed more strangers, and I've never seen a robin drop worms into every nest in the forest. 
 
The average yearly income on this planet is $6,000 per person.  I've never known any follower of Christ to give away his stuff until he had less than that.  Ayn Rand advocated giving to people you feel like giving to, but only if it's not going to put you at risk.  Jesus taught that we should sacrifice ourselves, our stuff, and our security. 
 
In short, there has been an ongoing battle in the Christian church between the philosophy of Ayn Rand and the philosophy of Jesus. 
 
Ayn Rand has won it. 

Globalization - Whose Wife Will She Be In The Resurrection?

This is from the Gospel Of Luke, Chapter 20:27 

Now some Sadducees, who claim there is no resurrection, came to Jesus and asked him, “Teacher, Moses wrote for us that if a man’s brother dies and leaves a wife but no child, the man should marry the widow and have children for his brother.  Now there were seven brothers. The first one married and died childless.  Then the second.  And the third married her. In the same way, all seven died and left no children.  Finally, the woman died, too.  Now in the resurrection, whose wife will the woman be, since the seven had married her?”

It was during moments like these that Jesus would freak out and start throwing things and calling people "Sons Of Vipers" and "Whited Sepulchres".  He supposedly wanted to worry about the big questions.

Fast forward 2,000 years.   

If you are a U.S. citizen, you pay people to walk around the countryside, into our ports, ships, warehouses and trucks, and ask the following questions.....

Who made this?
Where was it made?
Who paid for it to be made? 
Did it ship assembled or unassembled?
What is it made of ?
For what purpose?

Billions of dollars are paid, or not paid, based on the answers to these questions.  There are tens of thousands of different import rates for different products and purposes.  It all depends on which lawmakers have been paid off, and if they've remained paid off.  (I'm working on an epic post about the tariff implications of X-Men Action Figures representing humans or non-humans.  True story.  It made hundreds of thousands of dollars' difference in the taxes/tariffs. Stay tuned....) 

Anyway, I work for a Texas company that hired a Cambodian to design this clothing fixture that was prototyped by a Serbian for an Italian clothing company and made in China under the oversight of a French manager for use in stores in Japan and Russia. 

It's called "Globalization".  I hope that you all are adjusting to it nicely.  Whatever you're using to read this rant, that device is affordable because of Globalization. 

When goods and services can cross national boundaries as easily as they currently cross zip codes, you will be able to knock another 10% off the price you pay for just about everything. 

So.... If you had to put a nationality on this clothing rack, what would it be?  Whose wife will it be in the Resurrection?  How long is a string?  How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?  And why does it still matter? 

Happy Easter - The Rough Draft Screenplays

I first posted this back in 2008.  Enjoy!

*****************

I was in the downtown library this afternoon, and saw some papers sticking out of the top of "The Art and Craft of Playwriting", by Jeffery Hatcher. It turned out to be an interesting collection of emails, photocopies of the Bible, rough drafts, and script outlines. Lots and lots of outlines. I believe I have assembled everything from this correspondence in the correct order.

I hope I'm not violating anyone's privacy by publishing this, but it seems like a remarkable project that was abandoned too soon. I encourage others to try it.

******************
Jim,
I know we haven't talked or emailed recently, but I've been asked to "fix" the script for a stage version of The Life of Jesus. The group employing me believes that the Bible is the world's #1 bestseller because it is infallible and 100% free from any errors or mistakes. If that's the case, then it really is the highest quality product ever produced, right?

They see a huge market for a stage version. If they can produce an equally "inerrant" script, the dramatic/stage version should be as popular as the printed text. It should earn a fortune on Broadway, right?

The resurrection scene is giving us some trouble. Since there are five accounts of the event in the New Testament, the original playwright was having a hard time blending everything into a single narrative. This is my first time to be called in as a "script doctor".
Remember, this is only a rough draft, (see attachment) but please let me know what you think.

Your friend,

Brad

 

*********************************
The Resurrection - the infallible and inerrant stage version, rough draft #1, based on the book of Matthew.

Characters: Mary Magdalene, another woman named Mary, an Angel, Two guards, Jesus, Numerous Chief Priests and Elders, Eleven Disciples

Scene: Dawn, Monday in Jerusalem, Sometime around 33 C.E.

Stage design: In the middle of the stage is a tomb with a large stone that can be rolled away from the door as necessary. Overhead rigging is needed to lower an angel to the front of the tomb. To the right of the stage is lighting to simulate "dawn". All trees and bushes around the set must be shaken to simulate an earthquake. A large piece of sheet metal, hanging from a frame offstage, produces the sound of thunder for this earthquake. A mountain scene representing Galilee must be moved into place from stage right.

Mary Magdalene and Mary enter from stage left and approach the tomb. (Matthew 28:1) They're carrying extinguished oil lamps, (no longer burning because of the slowly rising sun). When they are a few feet away from the stone, there is a frightening earthquake. All trees and shrubbery shake violently and thunder echoes across the stage. (Matthew 28:2)
The Angel is lowered to the front of the tomb, and he/she/it rolls away the stone that blocks the door. Rolling away the stone requires superhuman effort and should be accompanied by dramatic music and much flexing and straining on the part of the angel. When finished, the angel calmly sits on top of the stone. The guards begin shaking with fear. The angel looks toward the two women.

Angel: (panting) "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you." (Matthew 28:7)

The women run away from the tomb, stage left. Suddenly Jesus steps in front of them from stage left.

Jesus: "Greetings". (Matthew 28:9)

The women fall to his feet.

Jesus: "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

The women exit stage left. Jesus disappears backstage. The guards rise, rub their eyes, and begin walking downstage. The chief priests and elders enter from stage right.

Guard #1: We were guarding the tomb.
Guard #2: There was an earthquake.
Guard #1: An angel came down from heaven and rolled away the stone.
Guard #2: The angel told a couple of women that Jesus has risen. (Matthew 28:11)

The chief priests and elders participate in a brief huddle, then turn to the guards with bags of money.

Chief Priest: Here's some money. You are to say "His disciples came during the night and stole him away while you were asleep. If this report gets to the governor, we will satisfy him and keep you out of trouble." (Matthew 28:14)

The soldiers take the money and exit stage right.

The curtain briefly closes and re-opens to show a depiction of Galilee. Jesus appears to eleven disciples on top of a mountain. (Matthew 28:16)

Jesus: "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)

Curtain

*****************************************************

Dear Brad,

I LOVE what you've done so far. (How do you feel about the Olsen twins playing the two Marys? It's just a thought....)

However, I've got a few reservations about using only one source text to tell the story. There are three other gospels, right? See if you can work in some dialogue from those other guys.

I could see Russell Crowe as the angel. What do you think?

-Jim

**********************************************************

Jim,
Thanks for the advice. In this next draft, (see attachment) I've tried to make the scene totally consistent with the book of Mark. It's been difficult, since the oldest manuscripts of Mark all end at verse 8 of Chapter 16. Not as much text to work with, but it is the account that most scholars believe was written first. I think it is much more human, more believable, and much more intense. Please let me know what you think. I'll combine it with the material in the previous version later.
Your friend,
Brad

The Resurrection - the infallible and inerrant stage version, rough draft #2, based on the book of Matthew and Mark.
Characters: Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, an Angel, Two guards, Jesus, Numerous Chief Priests and Elders, Eleven Disciples, Salome, who carries a basket of spices, A Young Man in a white robe.
Scene: Sunrise, Monday in Jerusalem, Sometime around 33 C.E.
Stage design: In the middle of the stage is a tomb with a large stone that can be rolled away from the door as necessary is carefully placed to the left of the open door of the tomb. Rigging must be in place to lower an angel to the front of the tomb The Young Man in the white robe is waiting inside the tomb as the curtain rises. All trees and bushes around the set must be shaken to simulate an earthquake. A large piece of sheet metal is necessary to produce the sound of thunder associated with the earthquake. A mountain scene representing Galilee must be moved into place from state right.

Mary Magdalene and Mary and Salome (with a basket of spices) enter from stage left and approach the tomb. (Mark 16:1)
Salome: "Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?" (Mark 16:3)
As they approach the tomb, they slap themselves on their foreheads in amazement. The stone has already been rolled away. (Mark 16:4) The three women walk inside the tomb, where they see the Young Man In A White Robe. They are obviously alarmed. (Mark 16:5)
When they are a few feet away from the stone, there is a frightening earthquake. All trees and shrubbery shake violently and thunder echoes across the stage.
The Angel is lowered to the front of the tomb, and he/she/it rolls away the stone, then sits on top of it. The guards begin shaking with fear.

Angel: "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."

The women run away from the tomb, stage left. Suddenly Jesus steps in front of them from stage left.
Young Man In A White Robe: "Don't be alarmed. You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen ! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.'" (Mark 16:7)
Jesus: "Greetings".

The women fall to his feet.

Jesus: "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

The women exit stage left. Jesus disappears backstage. The guards rise, rub their eyes, and begin walking downstage. The chief priests and elders enter from stage right.

Guard #1: We were guarding the tomb.
Guard #2: There was an earthquake.
Guard #1: An angel came down from heaven and rolled away the stone.
Guard #2: The angel told a couple of women that Jesus has risen.

The chief priests and elders participate in a brief huddle, then turn to the guards.

Chief Priest: Here's some money. You are to say "His disciples came during the night and stole him away while you were asleep. If this report gets to the governor, we will satisfy him and keep you out of trouble."

The soldiers take the money and exit stage right.

The curtain briefly closes and re-opens to show a depiction of Galilee. Jesus appears to eleven disciples on top of a mountain.

Jesus: "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

The women run from the tomb, stage left, trembling and bewildered. They say nothing to anyone, because they are obviously afraid. (Mark 16:8)

Curtain

**********************************************

Dear Brad,

I hate to tell you this, but I'm disappointed. What happened to the earthquake? What about the lightning? I thought this play had a huge special effects budget.....

What happened to the soldiers? How are we going to convince Russell Crowe to show up if he's just a young man in a white robe and not an angel?

Oh, and where is Jesus? You mean to tell me that you've written a scene about the resurrection of Jesus that doesn't include Jesus?

There's no dramatic arc to your story.

Mark is the oldest of the four Gospels, right? If that's the case, then lose him. Any Gospel author who writes an account of the Resurrection without including Jesus.....well, that writer doesn't have any business writing a Bible story.

You need some action. You need to add additional scenes. You need some music. The three women can't just leave the tomb and not tell anybody what they've seen. Is that really all there is in the book of Mark? Your latest draft makes "My Dinner With Andre" look like "Die Hard 3".

Show me what you can do.

-Jim

******************************************

The Resurrection - the infallible and inerrant stage version, rough draft #3, based on the Gospel of Matthew Mark Luke.

Characters: Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, some other women, Two Men in Clothes that gleam like lightning, Jesus, two people going to Emmaus, and Eleven Disciples.

Scene: Sunrise, Monday in Jerusalem, Sometime around 33 C.E.

Stage design: In the middle of the stage is a tomb with a large stone placed to the left of the door. Several strips of linen litter the floor inside the tomb. Special lights are required for the two men in clothes that gleam like lightning.

Stage right represents a rural road for the scene going into Emmaus. A table is needed for the bread breaking in Emmaus. An area on the left side of the stage represents Bethany, where Jesus ascends to heaven. Rigging is required for an authentic ascension.

Mary Magdalene, Joanna, and Mary the mother of James enter from stage left and approach the tomb. Their lamps aren't burning, since it is already early morning (Luke 24:1) Through hand gestures, they express their surprise that the stone has already been rolled away from the entrance. Suddenly, two men in clothes that gleam like lightning appear before them. (Luke 24:4) The Women bow their heads to the ground in fear.

Two men in clothes that gleam like lightning: "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here' he has risen ! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: 'The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.' " (Luke 24:7)

The women walk away from the tomb, stage left, where they are met by Eleven Disciples.

Mary: We were going to the tomb to prepare Jesus' body with spices, but the body was missing. Two men in clothes that gleam like lightning told us that Jesus wasn't there, and that he'd risen. Remember when Jesus said he'd be crucified and on the third day be raised again?" (Luke 24:9)

The disciples scratch their heads, trying to remember if Jesus ever said any such thing.

Disciples: We don't believe you. Your words, to us, sound like nonsense. (Luke 24:11)

Peter runs into the tomb, bends over, and looks at the strips of linen littering the floor. He walks away, wondering what really happened. (Luke 24:12) Peter doesn't want to return to his fishing career, and wonders if there might be some way to make some money off all this.

Resurrection Appearances Montage

From the orchestra pit comes the piano introduction to a familiar song. At first it is too faint to be heard clearly, but after about 30 seconds (which gives the crew time to set up the scene on the Road To Emmaus) we recognize it as Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You".

Whitney Houston (sung): "If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way."

Two People Going To Emmaus enter from stage right. (Luke 24:13) Jesus approaches from backstage and begins walking with them. They read the lengthy dialogue found in Luke 24:17-27.

Whitney Houston:
"And I......will always
Love youuuuuuu....
I will alwaaaaaaayss
Loooooove Youuuuuuu..."

The two men invite Jesus to stay with them in Emmaus, and they approach the table at stage left, where Jesus breaks bread, gives thanks, and gives them pieces of the bread. There is a blinding flash of light, and Jesus disappears. (Luke 24:31)

One Of The Men Going To Emmaus: Hey, that was Jesus ! It had to be ! I wonder why we couldn't recognize him?

The Second Man Going to Emmaus: Yeah, it had to have been Jesus. Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us? (Luke 24:32)

The two men begin the long run from Emmaus to Jerusalem, a journey of 7 miles. (Luke 24:33)

Whitney Houston:
"I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all
you've dreamed of.
And I wish you joy
and happiness.
But above all this,
I wish you looooove."

The two men continue to simulate running in place toward Jerusalem. Assuming world record 4-minute miles, this scene will last 28 minutes or longer. Be prepared to play the Whitney Houston recording as many times as necessary.

Whitney Houston:
"And I......will always
Love youuuuuuu....
I will alwaaaaaaayss
Loooooove Youuuuuuu..."

The two men finally return to Jerusalem, where they find the remaining eleven disciples, plus some hangers-on.

Two Men: It's true ! The Lord has risen and has appeared to Simon. We were walking to Emmaus, and a man joined us on the road. We didn't recognize him until he broke some bread. Jesus always had a very distinctive way of breaking bread ! (Luke 24:35)

The Disciples: (Talk amongst themselves)

At this point, they look around and see that Jesus is standing among them.

Jesus: Peace be with you. (Luke 24:36)

The disciples begin to tremble with fear. As the instrumental music continues, Jesus recites the verses found in Luke 24:38-49, while allowing the disciples to see his wounded hands and feet, and eating some fish (Luke 24:43).

Jesus leads them to an area representing the town of Bethany. He lifts his hands to bless them, and then begins to slowly ascend to heaven. (Luke 24:51)
Whitney Houston:
"And I......will always
Love youuuuuuu....
I will alwaaaaaaayss
Loooooove Youuuuuuu..."

Curtain

***************************************

Dear Brad,

Now you're on to something. You can make this work. I don't know how you're going to reconcile the action in this draft with the first two, but at least you've got a decent storyline to work with.

Why didn't they include all this great material in the older versions? And I'm glad we're back to having two angels, or men in clothes that look like lightning. Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman, maybe? I've become interested in this, and have started doing some reading on my own. Please send me your treatment from the Gospel of John as soon as you finish it.

-Jim

***************************************

The Resurrection - the infallible and inerrant stage version, rough draft #4, based on the Gospel of Matthew Mark Luke John.

Characters: Mary Magdalene, Simon Peter, The Disciple That Jesus Loved, Two Angels In White, Jesus, Thomas, The other disciples

Scene: Before Sunrise, while it is still dark. Monday in Jerusalem, Sometime around 33 C.E.

Stage design: In the middle of the stage is a tomb with a large stone placed to the left of the door. Several strips of linen litter the floor inside the tomb. Over the stage are several small spotlights, which illuminate the main characters in the pre-dawn darkness. There is a burial cloth on the floor that was once wrapped around Jesus' head. To the left of the stage is a small set representing a room in Jerusalem. Another backdrop represents the Sea of Tiberias. A boat large enough to hold several disciples waits offstage, and holds a net. Inside the net are 153 fish. (152 obviously wouldn't be enough. 154, of course, is too many.)

Mary Magdalene enters from stage left. She is carrying a functioning oil lamp, since it is still dark (John 20:1). The flame from her lamp is the only thing visible in the darkness. A spotlight gradually comes on to reveal Mary Magdalene to the audience. She walks to the tomb in the dark, and holds the lamp inside to see that the stone has been removed from the entrance, turns around and returns to Stage Left, where she sees Simon Peter and The Disciple That Jesus Loved (TDTJL - John 20:2).

Mary Magdalene: They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don't know where they hav put him !

Simon Peter and TDTJL run toward the tomb, and TDTJL arrives first. TDTJL looks into the tomb, but doesn't go inside. Simon Peter walks into the tomb and sees the burial cloths on the floor. TDTJL then goes inside. They don't understand that Jesus has risen from the dead (John 20:9). They are puzzled.
Everyone leaves the tomb to go home except Mary Magdalene, who stands outside the tomb crying. While she is crying, she looks inside the tomb and sees Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman two angels dressed in white. They are seated in the area where Jesus' body had been.

Two Angels: Woman, why are you crying?

Mary Magdalene: They have taken my Lord away, and I don't know where they have put him.

Jesus suddenly appears outside the tomb. Mary Magdalene doesn't realize that it is Jesus. She thinks he is a gardener.

Jesus: Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?

Mary Magdalene: Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.

Jesus: Mary.

Mary Magdalene: Teacher !

Mary Magdalene moves toward Jesus, arms open wide. Jesus remembers Mary Magdalene's former profession, and that the two angels are still watching, and that angels tend to gossip.

Jesus: Do not hold onto me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father, to my God and your God.' "

Mary Magdalene runs to Stage Right, where the disciples are waiting in a locked house, since they are afraid of Jews (John 20:19)
Mary Magdalene: I have seen the Lord !
As Mary Magdalene is telling the disciples all the other things that happened, Jesus suddenly appears among them. Andrew, one of the disciples, rises to check the locks. Andrew is obviously concerned that despite all his precautions, a Jew got in the house.
Jesus: Peace be with you !
Jesus shows the disciples his hands and side. The disciples are overjoyed. (John 20:20)
Jesus: Peace be with you ! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.
Jesus breathes on them, laying the groundwork for the doctrine of The Trinity in about 300 more years.
Jesus: Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven. (John 20:22)
The disciples are obviously pleased to hear this, and appear to be drunk with power.
The curtain briefly closes, and re-opens to show the same room later that evening. Thomas is now at the center of the room.
Disciples: We have seen the Lord !
Thomas: Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.
The curtain briefly closes, and re-opens to show all of the disciples in same room exactly one week later (John 20:26) as noted by a Page-A-Day calendar resting on a table near the front of the stage. Jesus suddenly appears among them. Once again, Andrew goes from door to door checking the locks.
Jesus: Peace be with you ! Thomas, put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop your doubting and believe.
Thomas simultaneously feels Jesus' right hand and left side. (The director should resist the temptation to have the two of them do a waltz while locked into this position. There is no mention of any dance is John's gospel.)
Thomas: My Lord and my God ! (John 20:28)
Jesus: Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.
The Voice Of James Earl Jones/Narrator: Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name. (John 20:30-31)

From the orchestra pit comes the piano introduction to a familiar song. It's too soft to recognize at first, but we later recognize R Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly".

R Kelly: "I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly"

Jesus leaves the room, and begins performing miracles and other miraculous signs. He gives sight to the blind, causes the lame to walk, and bails out the Big 3 chariot makers.

There is a brief curtain to set up the Sea Of Tiberias scene.

The Voice Of James Earl Jones/Narrator: Afterward Jesus appeared again to his disciples by the Sea of Tiberias. It happened this way: Simon Peter, Thomas, Nathanael, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples were together. So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. (John 21:3)
Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.

Jesus: Had any luck yet? Are they biting? What are you using for bait? Caught anything yet? (John 21:5)

Disciples (irritated): No.

Jesus: Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.

The disciples struggle to bring their nets on board because of all the fish. (John 21:6)

R Kelly: See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me oohh
If I can see it, then I can be it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it...
I believe I can fly....

Simon Peter jumps into the water with his corner of the net. The other disciples remain in the boat, pulling the net full of 153 fish. By the time they arrive on shore, Jesus has a fire going and some fish cooking. (John 21:9)

Jesus: Bring some of the fish you just caught.

They drag the net to dry land.

Jesus: Come have some breakfast. (John 21:12)

Voice Of James Earl Jones/Narrator: None of the disciples dared ask him, "Who are you?" They knew it was the Lord.....

Jesus takes the bread and gives it to the disciples, along with some fish.

Voice Of James Earl Jones/Narrator: This was now the third time Jesus appeared to his disciples after he was raised from the dead.

Jesus, Simon Peter, TDTJL, and the other disciples give a straightforward reading of the dialogue found in John 21: 15-24.

Voice Of James Earl Jones/Narrator: Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written. (John 21:25)

Curtain

*******************************

Brad,
That last line of you latest draft...."If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written."
All I can say is, thank God we don't have those other books to worry about.

I do have one other suggestion for you. In an earlier email, I told you I've been doing some reading on my own. I Corinthians, chapter 15, verses 3 though 8? Have you ever read it?

Paul says in I Corinthians that after Jesus rose on the third day after his crucifixion, Jesus first appeared to Peter, then to the Twelve Disciples, then to 500 other people, then to James, then to the apostles, and then to him (Paul).

That's supposed to be infallible and without error also, right? Why don't you start with that, and then see how you can make the gospel stories fit into Paul's I Corinthians story?

Just a suggestion.....

Your friend,

Jim

***************************

Jim,

I hate to tell you, but I've given up on this project. I've used up 15 legal pads, two Bibles, and countless hours on the internet trying to make the pieces of this puzzle fit together. All of the funding for the Off-Broadway production has dried up; the producers are now working on a stage play that will explain Fidel Castro's role in The Kennedy Assassination.
I didn't even make it to Paul's story in I Corinthians. I wish you hadn't sent those verses to me. They make my head hurt. I don't remember how Paul died, but I hope it was painful.
I've been reading a lot also, mostly books by a guy named Dan Barker.
I'm also interested in some guys named Marcus Borg and John Shelby Spong, and anyone else who doesn't use the words "inerrant" or "infallible".

Your friend,

Brad

Dallas Cowboys 31, Washington Redskins 38, and the reason that Jerry Jones is cursed

God hates Jerry Jones. 
The Dallas Cowboys just lost to the Washington Redskins.  RG3 went into the Debt Star and autographed the place. 
The Dallas Cowboys, America's Team, God's Team, and one of the teams picked to go to the Super Bowl this year, well, they won't even be going to the playoffs. 

They've gotten one playoff win in 16 years. It's about to be 17 years. Dallas is 5 and 6 for the year.  

It is because God hates Jerry. 
And that's because Jerry is a freakin' thief. 
There is no other way to explain it. 
Jerry Jones and the city of Arlington, Texas, stole some houses to build their new stadium, the Temple Of Baal.  They used Eminent Domain, and it was all legal.  Jerry obeyed all the laws that Arlington wrote.  But they're still thieves.
 
They must atone. 

What needs to happen?  Well, let's look at some history. 

The Cowboys franchise got its start in 1960.  Tom Landry was head coach.

When Landry was fired by Jerry Jones, Landry had a career record of 270-178-6.  However, Landry (before the start of the 1989 season) had not won a playoff game since 1983.  That's five years.  It was probably time for a change. 

When Jerry Jones purchased the team, he made himself General Manager.  He has supposedly been in charge of all personnel decisions since 1989. 

Jerry put the great Jimmy Johnson in as head coach.  Johnson had been coaching at the University Of Miami, and was familiar with many of the players soon to be drafted by the NFL.  We'll never know who made the decisions that led to the Cowboys era of greatness in the 1990's, but my money is on Jimmy. 

Jimmy Johnson coached his Cowboys to Super Bowl victories in 1992 and 1993.   But he couldn't get along with Jerry and left after the 1993 season.  

The details remain shrouded in a late-night haze, but it seems the trouble started when Jones toasted the Cowboys and was offended when Johnson reciprocated but did not invite Jones to join his table. A few hours later, Johnson alleges, Jones told a group of reporters in a bar that he planned to fire Johnson and replace him with Barry Switzer, an old foe of Johnson's from his college coaching days.

Then General Manager Jerry Jones....

....appointed Barry Switzer as Cowboys head coach. 

Using Jimmy's players, Switzer was able to win a playoff game in 1994, and he won the Super Bowl in 1995. 

The Cowboys won a single playoff game in 1996 (a year soon to be known as "the good old days), but went a disappointing 6-10 in 1997. 

General Manager Jerry Jones.....

....knew he had to do something after his head coach didn't win a playoff game in 1997.  He fired Switzer, and replaced him with Chan Gailey. 

Gailey went 10-6 in 1998, and then 8-8 in 1999.  He didn't win any playoff games. 

So then, Jerry Jones, who was supposedly still making all of the personnel decisions....

 ...fired Chan Gailey and replaced him with Dave Campo.  (Gailey is now doing a good job in Buffalo, BTW.)

Campo was head coach in 2000, 2001, and 2002, and had a won/loss record (respectively) of 5-11, 5-11, and finally, 5-11.  No playoff wins. 
So General Manager Jerry Jones, who was still in charge of ALL personnel decisions....

....fired Campo and replaced him with Bill Parcells. 

Despite winning a couple of Super Bowls with the Giants, and an AFC Championship season with The Patsies, Parcells was unable to do anything with Jerry's Kids in Dallas.  There were lots of discussions about "They want you to cook the dinner, at least they ought to let you shop for some of the groceries."  Some former Parcells players got signed, and Parcells had some small authority over the team. 

From 2003 through 2006, the Dallas Cowboys went 10-6, 6-10, 9-7, and 9-7.  They didn't win any playoff games. 

(It was at the beginning of the Parcells era that I discovered that God hates Jerry Jones, and I started making a small fortune betting against Dallas.  That has nothing to do with the matter at hand.  I wasn't worth a crap at left guard at North Sunflower Academy, but I can tell who God doesn't like.)

Parcells retired. 

Then Cowboys General Manager Jerry Jones, who hadn't won a playoff game since 1996....

...thought that he could improve the situation by bringing in Wade Phillips.

Maybe Jerry Jones had discovered the source of his problems.  Maybe this coach would be the one who could properly use Jerry's draft choices. 

The first year, 2007, it almost worked.  The Boys went 13-3, but didn't win a playoff game. 

The next year, they went 9-7, but didn't make the playoffs. 

In 2009/2010, perhaps to illustrate the old proverb that "even a blind hog can sometimes find an acorn", Jerry's draftees went 11-5, and beat the Philadelphia Eagles in a playoff game.  The curse was lifted. 

The next week Minnesota beat the tar out of them 34-3. 

And on and on and on.  Then Jerry Jones, the worst G.M. of the last 17 years....

 fired Wade and promoted in Jason Garrett on 11-8-2010.    Garrett is something like 16-17 since his promotion. 

Jerry's Kids barely beat a pitiful Cleveland team last week, and just got their asses handed to them by lowly Washington in front of a national Thanksgiving audience. 

Jerry Jones, the Cowboy's General Manager has fired the following Dallas Cowboys Head Coaches: All of them but Garrett. 

Once more for Google....  Who are the coashes that Jerry Jones has fired?  They are Tom Landy, Jimmy Johnson, Barry Switzer, Chan Gailey, Dave Campo, Bill Parcells (resignation), Wade Phillips, and (soon) Jason Garrett. 

   

It's impossible for an owner who cares to go for 16 years without more playoff wins than one.  It cannot happen.  The way NFL parity works is that you get higher draft picks and an easier schedule if your team is a loser.  What we've seen simply cannot happen. 

That's where God comes in. 

Jerry Jones and the city of Arlington have taken people's homes by force, bulldozed them, and built the greatest sports facility on this planet on the site of their theft.  All to host this mess.  That was like tearing down the Taj Mahal to put up a movie theatre that only shows "Sex And The City". 

God now hates Jerry Jones. The Lord God Jehovah hates Jerry Jones with the white hot passion of a thousand dying suns. And Jerry must atone. Now. Unless he wants to spend another decade with fewer playoff wins than any current NFL General Manager over a 15-yearyear period.

Here's the Old Testament prophet Ezekiel, speaking out on the subject of Jerry, The Cowboys, and Arlington:

Ezekiel 22:29 The people of the land have used oppression, and exercised robbery, and have vexed the poor and needy: yea, they have oppressed the stranger wrongfully.

Ezekiel 22:31 Therefore have I poured out mine indignation upon them; I have consumed them with the fire of my wrath: their own way have I recompensed upon their heads, saith the Lord GOD.

I don't think there are any Eagles, Redskins, Giants, or Packers fans who could've said it any better.

So what do we do?

Here is a purification ritual that Jerry could undergo. This comes from the Holman Bible Dictionary.

A cleansing agent (to atone for sin) was required: water, blood, or fire (Numbers 31:23). Water, the most common purifying agent, symbolized cleansing and was used in the rituals related to a waiting period. The person was to wash the clothes and bathe the body (Leviticus 15:7). Blood was used to cleanse the altar and the holy place (Leviticus 16:14-19). It was mixed with other ingredients for cleansing from leprosy (Leviticus 14:1) and contact with the dead (Numbers 19:1).

The final element of the ritual of purification is sacrifice. Purification from discharges required two pigeons or turtledoves, one for a sin offering and one for a burnt offering (Leviticus 15:14-15,Leviticus 15:29-30). A lamb and pigeon or turtledove were offered after childbirth (Leviticus 12:6). Sacrifice in the purification ritual for lepers was quite complicated, indicating the seriousness of leprosy as a cause of impurity (Leviticus 14:1). The priest also touched the person's extremities with blood from the offering and with oil, cleansing and life-renewing agents. The poor were allowed to substitute less valuable animals for use in their sacrifices.

To cut to the chase: If we're ever going to have a succesful NFL franchise in Tarrant County, Jerry Jones must strip down to his skivvies, wash one of his suits on the 50-yard line of his gaudy Temple Of Baal, mop the field with the blood of Jason Garrett, and perform a ritual sacrifice by slaughtering some of his worst draft picks in the City Of Arlington's luxury suite.

That should do it.

But what about all the little people, Jerry's victims, the refugees who were dispossesed by Eminent Domain ?

Once again, let's see what the Holy Scriptures have to say:

Leviticus 6: 1-7 : "The Lord spoke to Moses, saying, “If anyone sins and commits a breach of faith against the Lord by deceiving his neighbor in a matter of deposit or security, or through robbery, or if he has oppressed his neighbor or has found something lost and lied about it, swearing falsely—in any of all the things that people do and sin thereby— if he has sinned and has realized his guilt and will restore what he took by robbery or what he got by oppression or the deposit that was committed to him or the lost thing that he found or anything about which he has sworn falsely, he shall restore it in full and shall add a fifth to it, and give it to him to whom it belongs on the day he realizes his guilt... "

It's fairly simple, isn't it? Jerry and Arlington must determine the current value of the stadium, the parking lot, the team, along with the value of having God on their side. They must give that amount of money, plus 1/5th, to the people they stole the land from.

Until that happens, we will labor under an Old Testament curse.

You have violated the decrees of God, Jerry Jones.  And you....will....atone....

If we have televangelist Robert Tilton, who needs ObamaCare??

I love this guy. 
This is Televangelist Robert Tilton.  If it sounds like he's speaking gibberish, it's because he is.  He thinks that he has the gift of "tongues", spoken of in the book of Acts.  If you have the gift of discernment, you can interpret his gibberish, and use it as a guide for your life.  Or something. 

This video is only 40 seconds long. 

If you can make it from the .20 to the .30 mark without laughing out loud, you're a better person than me. 

Iowahawk: You didn't build that

Iowahawk has sat down at his laptop and created a masterpiece. 
Of course he had help from his high school teachers, the people who paid private companies to build the roads and bridges and then gave those companies taxpayer money, he had help from the Department Of Motor Vehicles, some V.A. Hospitals, the General Accounting Office, the Department Of Health and Human Services, the people who wrote the latest Farm Bill, Cash For Clunkers, TARP, The Porkulus Package, the people making a fortune off of the Drug War, and the ATF people who send teenagers who look like adults into my favorite bar and try to trick the bartenders into selling them a drink so they can bust the bartender and fine the bar owner. 
Iowahawk had help from all of those people, but hit this link anyway.  Good stuff. 

A Biblical Defense Of Slavery

I recently found an old seminary Bible Course Syllabus from 1885.  It was written by Dr. J.B. Shearer of Southwestern Presbyterian University in Clarksville Tennessee, "For the use of schools, colleges, and private bible classes" is the subtitle. 

This book makes me angry.  Stark raving nuts. 
I have no words to describe the human misery caused by the thinking in this book.

Please keep in mind that J.B. Shearer was an educated man with a Doctorate.  His book on the Old Testament is still in print, at least in a download edition, for those of you who are interested. 

Here's the section from Shearer's Bible Course on "The Scripture Doctrine Of Slavery".

Please stay with me. I'm going to go through Dr. J.B. Shearer's doctrine, point-by-point.  Shearer's bullet points are in bold type, scripture references are in italics, and my stuff looks like what you're reading now. 

Here's the syllabus used for part of Dr. Shearer's classwork.  

1)  I'll never be able to flesh out Shearer's first point, the one about slavery as a social institution vs. slavery as a sin.  Dr. Shearer's lectures are lost to history.  His later bullet-points reveal his sympathies, though. 

2)  Slavery has indeed existed in all ages.  It still exists.  Dr. Shearer is drifting into the "If God doesn't want it to be, then why does it happen?" argument. 

3)  "Jewish slavery antedates The Theocracy". 

You can go here to read the story in Genesis 14:13-16 of some of Abraham's relatives being captured by Sodomites (yeah, you in the back row, Sodomites) and carried away to be household slaves. 

If the Sodomites used military captives as slaves, then slavery was around before God set up his Theocracy of priests, prophets and such.  All political systems in place at that time were part of God's plan.  And God wouldn't have allowed slavery to exist if he didn't approve of it.  

4)  Dr. Shearer sees slavery as a "positive", but not a "moral" institution.  I don't own the other volumes of Dr. Shearer's syllabus that he refers to. 
I do have this picture, though.   

5) Abraham's slaveholding was recognized in the Abrahamic Covenant....(Genesis, Chapter 17)

12  He who is eight days old among you shall be circumcised. Every male throughout your generations, whether born in your house or bought with your money from any foreigner who is not of your offspring,
13  Both he who is born in your house and he who is bought with your money, shall surely be circumcised. So shall my covenant be in your flesh an everlasting covenant.
14  Any uncircumcised male who is not circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin shall be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant."

So not only was God giving them the right to your labor and effort for the rest of your life, your owners also have the right, if not the responsibility, to cut off part of your reproductive organs.  Dr. Shearer helpfully points out that this is a universal covenant (or agreement).

Slavery was acknowleged and justified in the New Testament as well as the Old.  (Galatians, Chapter 3)

27  For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.
28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
29  And if you are Christ’s, then you are Abraham’s offspring, heirs according to promise.

According to these verses, whether or not someone owns you and keeps you in a cage at gunpoint, you are now a child of Abraham/God/Jesus and will earn your heavenly reward.  But it's a heavenly reward, not to be given in this life.  We've still got a lot of cotton to pick.

6)  The master's right and authority are reconized in the fourth and tenth commandments.  Deuteronomy, Chapter 4.  (Here is the 4th Commandment.)

12  Observe the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, as the Lord your God commanded you.
13  Six days you shall labor and do all your work,
14  But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, you or your son or your daughter or your male servant or your female servant, or your ox or your donkey or any of your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates, that your male servant and your female servant may rest as well as you.

(And the 10th Commandment:)

21  'And you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. And you shall not desire your neighbor’s house, his field, or his male servant, or his female servant, his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.'

The statues of The Ten Commandments that Alabama judges want to put in their courtrooms are edited to simply state "Honor The Sabbath" and "Thou Shalt Not Covet".

A useful strategy to combat that lunacy is to insist that the uncensored commandments be posted in the courts.  Commandment advocates would then have to defend slavery or explain the omissions, and that would be fun.  

7)  Moses' law forbade permanent Jewish slavery, but encouraged Pagan slavery.  Exodus 21: 2-3.  Leviticus 25:40-46. 

I included a little more of the Exodus passage because it includes some helpful information on how to treat the daughters of your slaves:

Here's the Leviticus 25 passage.  Do you see why Damn Yankee Christians had such a hard time convincing their Southern counterparts that slavery was pure evil?

2 “If you buy a Hebrew servant, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh year, he shall go free, without paying anything.
3 If he comes alone, he is to go free alone; but if he has a wife when he comes, she is to go with him. 4 If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the woman and her children shall belong to her master, and only the man shall go free.

5 “But if the servant declares, ‘I love my master and my wife and children and do not want to go free,’
6 then his master must take him before the judges.  He shall take him to the door or the doorpost and pierce his ear with an awl. Then he will be his servant for life.
7 “If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do.
8 If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners, because he has broken faith with her.
9 If he selects her for his son, he must grant her the rights of a daughter.
10 If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights.
11 If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money.

44 “‘Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves.
45 You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property.
46 You can bequeath them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly.

8)  Moses' law recognized, defined, limited and defended the rights of master and slave minutely.  Exodus 21:20-32 

The logic in this law, supposedly handed down by God, was clear:  Whip your slave too hard, you take a loss, and you get punished by the community.  But if the slave is back at work in a couple of days (with an improved attitude) the process is no different than tuning up an engine. 

20 “Anyone who beats their male or female slave with a rod must be punished if the slave dies as a direct result,
21 but they are not to be punished if the slave recovers after a day or two, since the slave is their property.  

9) Captives in war were divided by Divine direction.  And in the tithing, the Lord's portion was duly set apart.  Numbers 31:28-40.

This passage from the book of Numbers explains how the Israelites divided the slaves and loot after a battle.  When the author says that certain things were to be given to "the Lord", he means Eleazar and the priestly caste.  If we were to do this in our Middle East adventures, 1/500th of the oil would go to Jimmy Swaggart, the eleven Cardinals now representing the U.S. in the Roman Catholic Church, and Thomas S. Monson, now head of the Mormons in Salt Lake City:

28  From the soldiers who fought in the battle, set apart as tribute for the LORD one one of every five hundred, whether people, cattle, donkeys or sheep.
29  Take this tribute from their half share and give it to Eleazar the priest as the LORD’s part.
30  From the Israelites’ half, select one out of every fifty, whether people, cattle, donkeys, sheep or other animals. Give them to the Levites, who are responsible for the care of the LORD’s tabernacle.”
31  So Moses and Eleazar the priest did as the LORD commanded Moses.


32  The plunder remaining from the spoils that the soldiers took was 675,000 sheep,
33  72,000 cattle,
34  61,000 donkeys
35  and 32,000 women who had never slept with a man.
36  The half share of those who fought in the battle was: 337,500 sheep,
37  of which the tribute for the LORD was 675;
38  36,000 cattle, of which the tribute for the LORD was 72;
39  30,500 donkeys, of which the tribute for the LORD was 61;
40  16,000 people, of whom the tribute for the LORD was 32.

If you aren't disturbed by verse 35 up there, the one which explains who gets the young virgins, you should be.  

10)  Slavery was in its origin a merciful system.  "Servus Quia Servatus" (The servant is saved).  The weaker were protected in the family, first by the master's interest and then by his affection.  The freemen became citizens. 

Yeah.  Well, Dr. Shearer, no one saw your Presbyterian ass signing up for a few years of picking other people's cotton in this merciful system. 

I don't have the time or desire to go through the rest of J.B. Shearer's drivel point-by-point.  Here's the second page of his chapter on slavery.  Boil it down to basics, and Shearer proves that the God of the New Testament approved of slavery just as much as he did in the time of Abrham, Isaac and Jacob. 

According to the book that we now call "Bible", God approves of slavery.  You can look it up. 

Ephesians 6:5-9: "Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ; Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart; With good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men: Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free. And, ye masters, do the same things unto them, forbearing threatening: knowing that your Master also is in heaven; neither is there respect of persons with him."

Colossians 4:1: "Masters, give unto your servants that which is just and equal; knowing that ye also have a Master in heaven."

1 Timothy 6:1-3 "Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honor, that the name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed. And they that have believing masters, let them not despise them, because they are brethren; but rather do them service, because they are faithful and beloved, partakers of the benefit. These things teach and exhort. If any man teach otherwise, and consent not to wholesome words, even the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, and to the doctrine which is according to godliness;"

Finally, there is the story of Onesimus, the runaway slave that Dr. Shearer mentions in bullet point #12.  Onesimus was a Christian.  Paul told him to return to his former masters.  Go here.  With the exception of "Buy Enron Stock" that's probably the worst advice in history. 

The collection loosely called "Bible" is just a book.  We don't know who wrote it.  Parts of it are interesting, parts of it are incredibly dull, and parts of it are downright evil.  It doesn't hold together very well.  If God really did inspire the book of Leviticus, then he is bat-shit crazy.  I defy you to read it and tell me otherwise.  Here's part of the leprosy cure from Leviticus 14:

Then the priest shall command to take for him who is cleansed two living and clean birds, cedar wood, scarlet, and hyssop. And the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water. As for the living bird, he shall take it, the cedar wood and the scarlet and the hyssop, and dip them and the living bird in the blood of the bird that was killed over the running water. And he shall sprinkle it seven times on him who is to be cleansed from the leprosy, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose in the open field. He who is to be cleansed shall wash his clothes, shave off all his hair, and wash himself in water, that he may be clean. After that he shall come into the camp, and shall stay outside his tent seven days.

For those who got lost, here's a paraphrase:

Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly away. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally find another pair of birds. Kill one and dip the live bird in the dead bird's blood. Wipe some blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle the house with blood 7 times. That's all there is to it.

The Bible shouldn't be used as a manual for doctors.  The Bible shouldn't be used as a justification for opposition to gay marriage.  It shouldn't be used as an excuse to close restaurants or bars on the Muslim, Jewish, or Christian Sabbaths. 

It should have never been used as an excuse for using other humans as slaves. 

Perhaps some of you disagree.  If so, please remember some of us have more guns than you, and might have some cotton that needs picking.