The Fifteen Trillionth Psalm

My old friend Henry Farrish got this started on Facebook today.  He only did a couple of verses.  I fixed it for him. 
Enjoy. 
In honor of our 15 trillion dollar debt:

1.  Obama is the shepherd I did not want.

2.  He maketh me to lie about green energy.  He leadeth me beside the still factories.

3   He restoreth G.M.

He leadeth me in the paths of Carter for his name's sake.

4.  Yea, though I walk through the valley of Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya and Pakistan, I will fear no irony: for thy Nobel Peace Prize still comforts me.

5.  Thou preparest a stimulus before me to be paid by my children: thou anointest my head with Teleprompter Bullshit; my debt runneth over.

6. Surely regulation and inflation shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will be paying for this crap for ever.

Pics came from here and here and here and here and here and here and here. 
Here's a pic of the authors. 

The Parable Of The Talents

The Parable Of The Talents
From Matthew 25:14-30

14 “Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his wealth to them.
15 To one he gave five bags of gold, to another two bags, and to another one bag, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey.
16 The man who had received five bags of gold went at once and put his money to work and gained five bags more.
17 So also, the one with two bags of gold gained two more.
18 But the man who had received one bag went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.
19 “After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them.

20 The man who had received five bags of gold brought the other five. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with five bags of gold. See, I have gained five more.’

21 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

22 “The man with two bags of gold also came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with two bags of gold; see, I have gained two more.’

23 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

24 “Then the man who had received one bag of gold came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed.

25 So I was afraid and went out and hid your gold in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’

26 “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed?
27 Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

28 “‘So take the bag of gold from him and give it to the one who has ten bags.
29 For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them.
30 And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

Gary Johnson for U.S. President !  The only candidate who can possibly give you your gold back !!!  (Unless Ron Paul decides to run as a Libertarian.  Then we'll have a real horse race.) 

"The Messianic Secret" (Don't tell anyone about it !)

One of my uncles was in the military with Lee Harvey Oswald.  They were good friends. 
At one point in their friendship, Oswald confessed to my uncle that one of his ambitions was to assassinate a president. 
There's a reason you haven't heard about this until now.  Oswald told my uncle not to tell anyone about his desire to murder a president, so he didn't say anything at the time, and didn't remember much about those conversations with Oswald until long after President Kennedy was murdered. 

Do you believe me? 

Now, try this out.  This if from The Gospel Of Mark, Chapter 5, verse 37, where Jesus raises a little girl from the dead:
 
41  He took her by the hand and said to her, "Talitha koum!" (which means, "Little girl, I say to you, get up!" ).
42  Immediately the girl stood up and walked around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished.
43  He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, and told them to give her something to eat.

Or look at this one from Mark, Chapter 1, verse 32:

32 That evening after sunset the people brought to Jesus all the sick and demon-possessed.
33 The whole town gathered at the door,
34  and Jesus healed many who had various diseases. He also drove out many demons, but he would not let the demons speak because they knew who he was.

The majority of biblical scholars believe that Mark is the oldest of the four canonical gospels.  At the time of Mark's composition, there were still plenty of people alive who had known Jesus or had heard him teach.  Some of them might have been surprised to learn that a group of people called "Christians" was claiming that Jesus was the Messiah, or Savior.  If Jesus was God, they would have heard about it, right?   

This is from Mark, Chapter 3, verse 11:

11 Whenever the evil spirits saw him, they fell down before him and cried out, "You are the Son of God."
12  But he gave them strict orders not to tell who he was.

This is Mark, Chapter 7, verse 33, where Jesus heals a deaf man:

33  After he took him aside, away from the crowd, Jesus put his fingers into the man's ears. Then he spit and touched the man's tongue.
34  He looked up to heaven and with a deep sigh said to him, "Ephphatha!" (which means, "Be opened!" ). 35  At this, the man's ears were opened, his tongue was loosened and he began to speak plainly. 
36  Jesus commanded them not to tell anyone...

This is Mark, Chapter 8, verse 25, where Jesus heals a blind man:

25  Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.
26  Jesus sent him home, saying, "Don't go into the village. (According to the New Internation translation, there are some manuscripts that contain the phrase "Don't go and tell anyone in the village.")

My uncle was in the military with Lee Harvey Oswald. They were good friends.

At one point in their friendship, Oswald confessed to my uncle that one of his ambitions was to assassinate a president.
There's a reason you haven't heard about this until now. Oswald told my uncle not to tell anyone about his desire to murder a president, so my uncle didn't say anything at the time, and didn't remember much about those conversations with Oswald until long after President Kennedy was murdered.
The Warren Commission, which investigated Kennedy's death, would have been fascinated to learn about these conversations.  But my uncle didn't quite understand what Oswald meant.  I didn't understand it until now. 

Mark 8:27

27  Jesus and his disciples went on to the villages around Caesarea Philippi. On the way he asked them, "Who do people say I am?"
28  They replied, "Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, one of the prophets."
29  "But what about you?" he asked. "Who do you say I am?" Peter answered, "You are the Christ."
30  Jesus warned them not to tell anyone about him.

Mark 9:7

7  Then a cloud appeared and enveloped them, and a voice came from the cloud: "This is my Son, whom I love. Listen to him!"
8  Suddenly, when they looked around, they no longer saw anyone with them except Jesus.
9  As they were coming down the mountain, Jesus gave them orders not to tell anyone what they had seen until the Son of Man had risen from the dead.
10  They kept the matter to themselves, discussing what "rising from the dead" meant.

Skeptics would be tempted to say that the events and conversations written about in these verses didn't happen, since they were kept "secret" until long afterwards.  In fact, that's how theologians refer to Jesus's desire to keep his true nature undercover - The Messianic Secret. 

But I'm just sayin'....If there were still people around who knew Jesus only as a homegrown rabbi and teacher, well, claiming that Jesus had sworn his followers to secrecy would be one way to give Jesus posthumous miraculous powers and divine authority. 

Let me get back to what it was like when my uncle and I would discuss Lee Harvey Oswald.  We just couldn't understand (until recently) what he meant when he said "assassinate a president". 

Here's something from Mark 9....

30  They left that place and passed through Galilee. Jesus did not want anyone to know where they were, 31  because he was teaching his disciples. He said to them, "The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of men. They will kill him, and after three days he will rise."
32  But they did not understand what he meant and were afraid to ask him about it.

In other words, the disciples didn't say anything about Jesus being the Messiah while Jesus was alive.  The small group of disciples only "remembered" these conversations much, much later. 

From Mark 10, where Jesus, the disciples, and a large group of camp followers are on their way to Jerusalem....

32  They were on their way up to Jerusalem, with Jesus leading the way, and the disciples were astonished, while those who followed were afraid. Again he took the Twelve aside and told them what was going to happen to him.
33  "We are going up to Jerusalem," he said, "and the Son of Man will be betrayed to the chief priests and teachers of the law. They will condemn him to death and will hand him over to the Gentiles,
34  who will mock him and spit on him, flog him and kill him. Three days later he will rise."

Do you think more Jews would've converted to Christianity if Jesus had made this announcement to the larger group?  He could have easily done so. 

Do you think The Warren Commission Report on the assassination of President Kennedy would have been more believable if it had included my uncle's testimony about his conversations with Lee Harvey Oswald?  If only Oswald had told more people; if only my uncle had talked to The Warren Commission, we wouldn't have so many people doubting The Warren Commission Report....
Maybe my uncle should have said something about Oswald back in the 1950's instead of waiting until the 1980's, when he told me about the conversations. 

Please remember that, according to the majority of biblical scholars, the book of Mark was the first of the gospel stories to be written.  And it's the only one with Jesus telling so many people "Don't tell anyone about this event".  The device tapers off in the later gospels (Matthew and Luke) and in John's gospel, the last to be written, it isn't used at all. 
Mark was probably written in the late 50's or early 60's.  There were still plenty of people around who remembered the rabbi/teacher Jesus.  Would they have been surprised to learn that Jesus healed so many sick people, and cast out so many demons, or predicted that he would rise from the dead? 
Well, yes.  But the disciples had been told to keep these events (or perhaps the ones that could be tied to a specific time and place) a secret.

By the time Luke's gospel was written (in the late 60's or 70's) and a few more witnesses to Jesus's life and teachings had disappeared from the scene, the secrecy is replaced by, well, confusion and ignorance on the part of the disciples.  Here's Luke Chapter 9:

43  And they were all amazed at the greatness of God.  While everyone was marveling at all that Jesus did, he said to his disciples,
44  "Listen carefully to what I am about to tell you: The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of men."
45  But they did not understand what this meant. It was hidden from them, so that they did not grasp it, and they were afraid to ask him about it.

Even the disciples didn't figure it out until much later???  It seems fairly straightforward.  But perhaps that's why Jesus's miracles and prophecies weren't discussed in Palestine until much, much later on.  Perhaps that's why more Jewish people didn't convert to Christianity on the spot. 

This is Luke 18, where Jesus gets even more specific.  Or at least the "memories" are more specific....

31  Jesus took the Twelve aside and told them, "We are going up to Jerusalem, and everything that is written by the prophets about the Son of Man will be fulfilled.
32  He will be handed over to the Gentiles. They will mock him, insult him, spit on him, flog him and kill him. 33  On the third day he will rise again."
34  The disciples did not understand any of this. Its meaning was hidden from them, and they did not know what he was talking about.

Otherwise, they would have told someone.  They would have reacted differently in the days leading up to Jesus' death. 

If my uncle had understood his conversations with Oswald about presidential assassinations, he would have gone to the authorities before that day in November of 1963.  But I'm only remembering this 40 years later.
 
There are more and more biblical scholars who believe that there was a rabbi/teacher named Jesus, a rabbi who taught peace, love, and forgiveness, and this rabbi got crossways with the authorities and was executed.  Long after the fact, people started hanging miracles, healings, prophecies and resurrections onto the Jesus story, claiming that Jesus wanted his true nature kept secret.  Sometimes they claimed that they just didn't understand what Jesus was all about until much later.  Sometimes they claimed that they were simply afraid to tell anyone. 

Here is the original ending of the Gospel of Mark.  At the end of Mark's story, there are no post-resurrection appearance of Jesus, Jesus doesn't suddenly appear in locked rooms to make prophecies, and none of the disciples see the empty tomb.  There are only two women who are going to embalm Jesus's body.  According to the New International Version of the Bible, our "oldest and most reliable manuscripts" end the Jesus story like this.

1  When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus' body.
2  Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb
3  and they asked each other, "Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?"
4  But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away.
5  As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.
6  "Don't be alarmed," he said. "You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him.
7  But go, tell his disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.' "
8  Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.

Jesus tries to make a triumphal entry into Jerusalem. Without a permit.

For the last 6 months, I've been putting my theological training to work by re-examining our deeply flawed Bible translations.  Hit this link for a few examples. 
Since it is almost Easter, I thought I would translate part of the Gospel Of Mark, Chapter 11, where Jesus makes his triumphal entry into Jerusalem. 

1.  As they approached Jerusalem and came to Bethphage and Bethany at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two of his disciples,
2.  ....saying to them, "Go to the village ahead of you, and just as you enter it, you will find an ass and a colt tied there, which no one has ever ridden. Untie them and bring them here.

3.  If anyone asks you, 'Why are you doing this?' tell him, 'The Lord needs them and will send them back here shortly.' "
4.  They went and found an ass and a colt outside in the street, tied at a doorway. As they untied them,
5.  .....some people standing there asked, "What are you doing, untying those animals?"
6.  They answered as Jesus had told them to, and the people let them go.
7.  When they brought the colt to Jesus and threw their cloaks over it, he sat on it.
8.  Many people spread their cloaks on the road, while others spread branches they had cut in the fields.
9.  Those who went ahead and those who followed shouted, "Hosanna!" "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!"

10.  "Blessed is the coming kingdom of our father David!" "Hosanna in the highest!"
11.  Jesus entered Jerusalem and went to the temple.
12.  And then the City Council Of Jerusalem approached him, asking, "Why, Lord, did you not apply for a parade permit?  Where was your protective Roman Legion, required to block traffic at major intersections, as per Caesar's statute CDH-30978?"
13.  Then the Lord answered him with a parable, saying "In a far country, there was a man who...."  but the Lord was interrupted by a woman afflicted with a demon.
14.  "Who do you think you are?" said the woman.  "A man of your weight riding that young colt !  You are a species-centric monster !  For you disregard the rights of animals, casting demons into herds of swine, and who knows what else."
15.  And the Lord began to answer her, saying "Away from me, vile spirit !  I shall name thee PETA, and upon this crock I shall build my...."
16.  But before he could continue, a small man approached Jesus, saying "Lord, Lord, did you prepare an environmental impact statement before allowing palm branches to be strewn about the streets of Jerusalem?" 
17.  And the city officials of Jerusalem turned Jesus over to the Romans, who forced the Lord to complete administrative paperwork and travel about the city for permits for the rest of his days.

18. And many years later, as he died, Jesus let forth a loud cry, saying "Father forgive them, even though they have no idea what they're doing."   

Pics came from here and here and here and here.

Why Jesus only had six disciples

As I've stated in earlier posts, I've devoted the last 6 months to re-translating the New Testament. (Since I work in the shipping and logistics industry, this qualifies me for almost anything.) You can hit the "Bible re-interpretation" tag at the bottom of this post to read more translations.
The section posted today is so shocking that I'm bracing myself for harsh and savage criticism from the theological, political, and economic communities. The properly translated text reveals that there were some complications when Jesus called his twelve six disciples. This is from the Gospel Of Mark, Chapter 1, beginning with verse 16.

16. As Jesus walked beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen.
17. "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men."
18. At once they left their nets and followed him.
19. When he had gone a little farther, he saw James son of Zebedee and his brother John in a boat, preparing their nets.
20. Without delay he called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired men and followed him.
21. And Matthew the tax collector came unto James and John, saying "Here is a W-4 form so that your share of our donations can be withheld in Jerusalem." And James and John disputed among themselves over who would claim their father, Zebedee, as a dependent.
22. Jesus rebuked them, saying, "You sons of vipers, you whited sepulchres, for both of you are registered Democrats, and have clamored for more spending. What care you for tax deductions? Let he who votes Libertarian claim the first deduction. Let all others reap what they have sown, and pay until the budget is balanced."
23. And Judas, the disciple who would betray Jesus, came unto the brothers, saying "Here is form I-9, which will show that you are not a Samaritan, a Roman, a Greek, an Ethiopian, or any other form of Gentile, especially a Mexican. Bring me your a) Social Security cards and your Drivers Licenses, or b) your passports for I must keep copies on file with our Human Resources Department, lest we be audited for hiring illegals.
24. For our brother John The Baptist was busted using non-documented workers to harvest locusts and honey, and his head was handed to Herod on a silver platter."
25. Simon The Zealot came unto them, saying "I am Simon, the union steward, and we are all now your brothers. We have negotiated a four-day work week with mandatory overtime pay for all healings done after 5:00 p.m., seven days off with pay after casting out any demons, and an automatic pay increase after you complete evangelism training. This is a Card Check shop, and we can not require you to sign this union card. But I would hate to see something happen to those nice camels you have out there in the parking lot."

26. When Bartholomew saw the brothers, his heart was filled with compassion for them, and he said "Here is our insurance program, which has a ninety-day eligibility waiting period, for we are a small company and we are sustained by the kindness of others. Have you considered The Public Option?"

27. And Thomas said, "I doubt it." For the brothers had seen other government programs and wanted no part of them.

28. And James and John were filled with remorse for putting down their nets and abandoning their father, and they left the six disciples and returned to their boat on The Sea Of Galilee.

29. Then Jesus looked at the economy, the paperwork, the tax witholding, the business climate, the administrative expense, and the union organizers, and said "Verily, verily, I say unto you, we shall not call more disciples; we shall bring in shipments of loaves and fishes from China.

30. If we have the faith of a mustard seed, we can cast out demons using the new software. When we go into all nations sharing the good news, we will use a Temp Service, for this reduces our liability. And this will be called downsizing, and six disciples is a nice number."

The picture of Jesus calling his disciples came from here. Hit the link, and look at the little blog widget about halfway down the page showing how many people have died and gone to hell since you opened the link. Ya gotta love it.

Give unto Caesar. And then give some more unto Caesar.

I've devoted the last 6 months to re-translating the New Testament. The document that you think of as "Bible" is filled with so many translation mistakes that I believe some of the errors were intentional. You can hit the "Bible Re-interpretation" tag at the bottom of this post to read more translations.

You might be familiar with the story of the religious leaders coming to Jesus and trying to trap him with his own words. They ask if it's ok to give money to the government. In the erroneous version, Jesus replies "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's."

This is wrong, wrong, wrong. Here's the corrected text, based on more recent scholarship (mine). This is from Matthew, Chapter 22, verse 15.

15 Then the Pharisees went out and laid plans to trap him in his words.

16 They sent their disciples to him along with the Herodians. "Teacher," they said, "we know you are a man of integrity and that you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. You aren't swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are.

17 Tell us then, what is your opinion? Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not?"

18 But Jesus, knowing their evil intent, said, "You hypocrites, why are you trying to trap me?

19 Show me the coin used for paying the tax." They brought him a denarius,

20 and he asked them, "Whose portrait is this? And whose inscription?"

21 "Caesar's," they replied. Then he said to them, "Give to Caesar that what is Caesar's, and then follow up by giving to Caesar that what is God's. Give unto Caesar that which is not yet even yours, through the Value-Added Tax. Give unto Caesar your firstborn sons to be his warriors, and give him your daughters to be his maidservants. Give Caesar your chariot manufacturing companies, and give him the right to lower the compensation of executives. Give unto Caesar all responsibility for your brother, and the aged, and the poor, for this relieves you of responsibility. Make your wealthy neighbor give more unto Caesar, for he thinks he's better than you. Oh, and I almost forgot. Put Caesar in charge of healthcare, since he does such a great job of delivering the mail."

22 And then Jesus finished by saying "Caesar is freakin' awesome."

23 When the Pharisees heard this, they were relieved, for they knew their faith-based funding from The Empire would remain intact. So they left him and went away rejoicing.

The pictures of Rendering Unto Caesar came from here and here.

Jesus and The Rich Young Ruler and Mandatory Compassion Outsourcing

Many of you are probably familiar with the story of The Rich Young Ruler: A guy comes up to Jesus and asks "What do I have to do to be saved?" Jesus says "Take what you have, sell it, and give the money to the poor". The guy sadly walks away, because he has lots of money that he doesn't want to part with.

That entire story is a mistranslation from the original Greek. I've spent the last 6 months working on this. I don't know how these textual errors have lasted for 2000 years, but I've set it all straight.
This is from Matthew 19:16-22.

16 Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"

17 "Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments."

18 "Which ones?" the man inquired. Jesus replied, " 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony....

19 ....honor your father and mother, and 'love your neighbor as yourself.'

20 "All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"

21 Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, lobby for Hope and Change. Set up large programs administered by your government, in which other people are forced to give up their money to fulfill your agenda. Keep a lot of this money for yourself. Dole it out to your favorites. Give nothing of your own, for you know best how to use it, and nothing feels better than spending other people's money. Ensure that the multitudes retain their dependent victim status, and that they will be with you always. For such is the Kingdom Of God."
22 When the young man heard this, he went away rejoicing, for none of this would cost him a dime.

I'm sure that all of you are relieved to learn this. This new interpretation relieves you of all personal responsibility, and puts the burden on others.
I've found other passages that have been mis-interpreted, and I'll be getting to them later.

The painting of Jesus and the Rich Young Ruler came from here.