The worst thing you'll see today - The horror....The horror....

Henry Farrish, my friend since high school, does home repair and maintenance. 

He knows that I love the "What's The Weirdest Thing You've Seen At Work?" conversation starter. 

I've been asking that question for twenty years. 

It might be time to retire the trophy. 

A few days ago, Henry got a call at 1:30 a.m. Somebody's toilet was flooding.  The guy sounded drunk. 

Henry got to the guy's house and checked out the situation. 

(The next few sentences are pure speculation.)

The man was incredibly drunk. 

From the looks of the bathroom and the toilet, the old guy had been puking.  Throwing his guts up.  And something else.  Maybe he passed out. 

When he got sober enough to clean up the place, the toilet overflowed. 

(End of speculation.) 

Henry shut off the water and disassembled the crapper. 

What he found in the toilet will haunt him the rest of his life. 

Click here to see. 




 

I already know that I'm going to hell

My great friends from high school, Henry and Patricia Farrish, posted this on my Facebook wall. 
I have no idea why. 
LOL. 

 

For Henry and Patricia

Will Campbell is the author of "Brother To A Dragonfly", which won the National Book Award in 1978. 

He was the inspiration for Reverend Will B. Dunn in the Kudzu comic strip. 

He earned a Doctorate from the Yale Divinity School. 

Any of those three things would be enough to earn some serious respect.  Campbell was also a civil rights worker in the Deep South during the 60's.  He spoke out against the Viet Nam war when almost everyone around him disagreed.  This was back in the day when "liberals" were against any war, not just Republican wars.  They didn't trust the government, no matter which team was running it. 

Heck of a guy, that Will Campbell. 

My friends Henry and Patricia are getting married this weekend in New Orleans.  I was planning to be there.  They even asked me to get ordained so I could perform the marriage ceremony.  (I got 'er done through the Universal Life Church.)  Because of some personal complications, I'm going to have to think about Henry and Patricia from afar during their wedding. 

Had I been able to be there, my part of the service would've been along these lines, boiled down and condensed considerably.....

Here's Will Campbell, writing about marriage in "Brother To A Dragonfly".  The italics are mine:

If there is a body, a community, which is truly Church, or even claims to be Church, why should it be the executor of Caesar’s documents? What is a marriage license but a legal contract? And what does any legal contract promise and offer except the right to sue one another at another time and place before another of Caesar’s agents? Perhaps such contracts are socially necessary but what does that have to do with us? And even if we are not Church now but want to become Church, free from the demands and legality of Caesar, why not start by returning all of his documents and refusing ever to do it again? “No, Mr. Caesar, that is not our understanding of what marriage is all about. If you must protect yourself and your citizenry in this fashion you may continue to do so. But not with our help and blessing. Let the faithful come before the altar of the One we must serve rather than, and before, you. And acting on His, and only His, authority we will pronounce them man and woman, husband and wife.”

Too Libertarian?  Probably.  Did Henry and Patricia know that's what they'd get if they asked me to do their wedding?  Probably. 

Back to Will Campbell:

I was never again to say, “By the authority vested in me by the State of Tennessee.” If my authority as a priest comes from the State, then I have no authority at all. From that time on, I began all weddings by saying, “Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s. If you have a license, we will sign it at this time.” And then saying to the couple, “Now what we have just done is to endow you with a legal contract. It has nothing to do with Christian marriage. It is nothing more than a contract between you and this state which gives you the right to sue one another if you should ever desire to do so.” And the document is tossed casually, and sometimes contemptuously aside. “Now, the passage which begins ‘Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s continues. ‘And render unto God the things that are God’s.’ And the wedding begins at this point.”

Lord have mercy, I would have enjoyed contemptuously casting that document aside.  Especially during Jazzfest in New Orleans.  Oh well.  Back to Will Campbell:

Maybe one day I will yet follow my conscience and refuse to sign that document at all, ask the couple to have a Justice of the Peace sign the Contract of Caesar. And on a number of occasions there have been no such documents. And by the authority vested in me by Almighty God I have pronounced them man and woman, husband and wife. And I defy Caesar to question that they are married. But those without the document are required to spend an extended amount of time with me and with one another in making sure they are ready for such radical trust and commitment. For they do not have the protection that the legal contract would afford them. They cannot sue one another. They have only themselves, the community if there be one, and the source of the authority which so joins them. Those who have come with no license have not come flaunting liberation but bearing witness to servanthood. They are not products of a new morality but an anachronism of an old morality, a testimony to “Jesus Christ is Lord. Hallelujah!” (from Brother to a Dragonfly, 213-214)

You get the idea. 

Henry Farrish, my friend since the 4th grade, and Patricia Starnes, my friend since freakin' kindertgarten, would've come away from the ceremony knowing that they were by-God married.  I would've tied that knot and yanked on it in front of the entire Ninth Ward to make sure it was going to hold. 

Henry and Patricia have spent 40 to 45 years with me, and I am assured that they are ready for this type of radical trust and commitment. 

They don't need the protection of a legal contract.  Anyone who hangs out with them needs diabetes medication to keep from going into insulin shock. 

They will not sue each other. 

They have something that so many people do not have.
 
I do so wish them all the best. 

A C Minor Chord Walks Into A Bar....

Some knowledge of music theory is required on this one....

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.
 
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."
 
So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.
 
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second."
 
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
 
Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
 
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." S
 
Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
 
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
 
C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility

The Fifteen Trillionth Psalm

My old friend Henry Farrish got this started on Facebook today.  He only did a couple of verses.  I fixed it for him. 
Enjoy. 
In honor of our 15 trillion dollar debt:

1.  Obama is the shepherd I did not want.

2.  He maketh me to lie about green energy.  He leadeth me beside the still factories.

3   He restoreth G.M.

He leadeth me in the paths of Carter for his name's sake.

4.  Yea, though I walk through the valley of Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya and Pakistan, I will fear no irony: for thy Nobel Peace Prize still comforts me.

5.  Thou preparest a stimulus before me to be paid by my children: thou anointest my head with Teleprompter Bullshit; my debt runneth over.

6. Surely regulation and inflation shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will be paying for this crap for ever.

Pics came from here and here and here and here and here and here and here. 
Here's a pic of the authors. 

Voodoo Blue - why you need to go hear them

Stevie Ray Vaughan lives and walks among us.
He has risen ! - Luke 24:6

I guess that statement requires some background.

My elementary school, middle school, and high school friend Henry Farrish got in touch with me through the miracle of Facebook a few months ago. (I don't know why we both make that distinction about the grades. North Sunflower Academy has grades 1-12 under one roof.)

Addition from May 4th....This is what we looked like before we set sail with Captain Morgan.


Henry had been telling me about a Stevie Ray Vaughan tribute band called Voodoo Blue, and he called earlier this week inviting me to a Voodoo Blue show at Tolbert's. Click here for an earlier rave about Tolbert's chili. I don't get too excited about tribute bands. The woods are full of 'em. But I'll drive to Grapevine just for a bowl of Tolbert's chili.

I was amazed. Lord have mercy, Voodoo Blue is a good band.
This isn't merely a group of guys who jam out on SRV cover tunes.

This is something new. This is slack-jawed, "pour Bud light in one side of your mouth and have it slowly leak out the other side" amazement.

Youtube doesn't do their sound justice, but here they are doing "Love Struck Baby" :




Tommy Katona, the band's guitarist, is a child. I repeat, he is a child. A 24-year old prodigy from the deep blues/Texas Rock hotbed of.... Hungary.
Yep. Hungary.
Tommy saw a Stevie Ray video when he was four years old, and immediately knew what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. Amazing. I haven't heard anything like it. The guy is technically flawless, but the best part of hearing him is the sound. Tommy Katona doesn't play the same notes as SRV. He produces the same sound.
Here's a Tommy bio that someone in Europe put together.




Here I am with Tommy sometime during their first break, before Henry had plied me with a half dozen of those Captain Morgan and Coke things that he drinks, and before Tommy and Company made my face start bleeding.

Through a fortunate coincidence, I got to sit at the same table with various family members of the band. Great folks. Talked for a few minutes with Randy Rodriguez, the band's SRV soundalike vocalist. Henry introduced me to Steve Buckner, the bass player. Great time had by all. I can't say enough good things about the evening.

Yes, I really am too old for this, but Lord have mercy it was fun.

Here's Tommy sitting around the house playing SRV's "Scuttle buttin" .

Voodoo Blue will be playing at Spencer's Corner in west Fort Worth on May 29th.
This has been a public service announcement of The Whited Sepulchre Outreach Ministry.