Saturday, June 7, 2008

You've Been Left Behind....Would You Mind Taking Care Of The Weiner Dogs?

I have found a website that makes me happy. I'm grinning like a mule eating briars. My world is a better place with these folks in it.

No, it's not or It's better than that.

Every time I go off on a Liberal Theology Rant, I get emails or anonymous comment posts that either a) damn me to an eternity of torment, or b) express genuine concern for the state of my soul.
(For those of you new to this site, I believe that most of our scriptures and holy books are best understood as metaphorical and symbolic.)

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, please let me introduce You've Been Left Behind. What are they about? Here's some text from their site:

We all have family and friends who have failed to receive the Good News of the Gospel. The unsaved will be 'left behind' on earth to go through the "tribulation period" after the "Rapture". You remember how, for a short time, after (9/11/01) people were open to spiritual things and answers. (We are still singing "God Bless America" at baseballs' seventh inning stretch.) Imagine how taken back they will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it.
There will be a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time. You can also send information based on scripture as to what will happen next. Each fulfilled prophecy will cause your letter and plea to be remembered and a decision to be made.
"WHY" is one last chance to bring them to Christ and snatch them from the flames!

In other words, if and when Jesus returns and takes all the believers to glory, those left behind can get an email from you explaining what has happened, asking them to repent, etc etc etc. Or maybe you just want them to feed the cat and change out the litter box. It's up to you.

How does it work? How can they release the emails if the site administrators aren't on the planet to hit "send"?

We have set up a system to send documents by email, to the addresses you provide, 6 days after the "Rapture" of the Church. This occurs when 3 of our 5 team members scattered around the U.S fail to log in over a 3 day period. Another 3 days are given to fail safe any false triggering of the system.

It only costs forty dollars to send post-rapture emails to 60 of your lost friends. If you are a literalist, you really have no choice but to take advantage of this. You're only risking $40 dollars, an insignificant sum compared to the loss of just one of your friends suffering for eternity in the flames of hell.

I happen to believe that all the apocalyptic stuff at the end of the New Testament was written about 1st century issues, not the end of the world. But that's just me. Millions of people disagree.

If you truly, honestly, believe that God is going to take a few of us into the sky and leave the rest behind, you WILL immediately log onto and give them $40, won't you? And you'll send me a username and password? Because I'm going to write post-rapture letters to the online acquaintances of mine who probably won't make the cut, just in case I don't have a way to get in touch with them:

The Grouchy Old Cripple
Greta Christina
The Bacon Eating Jew
Hell's Handmaiden

and lots of others. All good people, who just can't swallow the atonement concept.

Wouldn't you spend $40 to save one person from cancer, a relatively mild, short-term earthly disease? Surely you'll spend the same sum to save up to 60 people from eternal pain.

I eagerly await your response.


Dr Ralph said...

Actually this will be real simple to set up; based on personal observation, ALL computer admins are going to hell (or are there already) so no fancy automation or scripting will be required.

Of course the real issue is this: they'll read all your email and delete without sending it, just because they can.

Probably just as well, since I'm guessing the majority of these post-Rapture messages will be along the lines of "I told you so!"

Gar said...

Man! I can't believe I didn't think of that. Do you think it's too late to offer the 50% off service? I'll send out the emails for $20! And a money back guarantee to your bank account if your post apocalyptic friend doesn't receive his or her damnation prevention email.

Pete Wann said...

OMG! Best scam EVAR!!!!!!!11!!oneone!!

zbethwalker said...

Mr. Whited Sepulchre:
How do you ever find these things/
Since reading your blogs my life has improved exponentially.

BEAJ said...

I was thinking of setting up a service for Rapturists for their pets. Kind of an insurance policy where I promise to take care of Rapturists pets until the day they die.
I have a big backyard and I can easily take care of around 1000 cats, dogs, gerbils, fish, and birds for a couple of hundred per animal.
But only 1000 animals, so you need to book now and pay in advance.

Pete Wann said...

I'm with Dr. Ralph and gar. We could TOTALLY undercut these guys, and add all kinds of additional services.

Shoot, since I'll be one of the ones left behind, I'll deliver the messages personally for an additional fee. :)

Milo Johnson said...

Wait a damned minute. This "god" fellow, the all-knowing and benevolent creator and overseer of the entire universe would take me and leave my beloved pets to fend for themselves, locked in the house where they will die an agonizing death? I'm glad I don't believe in a creep like that.

Anonymous said...

That would be "Wiener dog" as in "Wien", capital of Austria.
Oh the agony...

The Whited Sepulchre said...

Dear Anon,

I get your point, but put both spellings of W-dog into Google....

Everyone else,

Please advise.

Orhaach said...

Actually, it's $40 per year it's quite the scam, we need to start one of these and then get a bunch of fundies like Dobson to go preach that this is a good idea, the sheeples will flock to us!