My friend John Jay Myers is running for Congress.
Sometime last night, he sent me a video of Libertarian comedy. Starring himself.
This is good stuff. If you like it and want to give John Jay a wider audience, hit the link above and send John Jay some money to help him get elected.
For those of you who know him..... Can you imagine the media coverage that would be devoted to every single John Jay speech? Can you imagine John Jay getting a chance to address the unbridled whoredom that surrounds every government spending project?
Enjoy.
I've been bookmarking various sites as "libertarian jokes" for about two years now. John Jay's video was reason enough for me to go ahead and post some of them. All links go back to the source site; those without links came from Libertarian Reddit.
A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent, as part of a task force, arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska. The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government with us." Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge, this badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear, do you understand?"
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their lives and close behind is the rancher's notoriously ill-tempered and territorial bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badges! Show him your badges!"
1) A man named Jesus comes along with all the secrets of peace, love, happiness, mercy, and all that good stuff.
2) The people in power take one look at him and see a threat. Jesus is healing the sick without medical certification, creating bread and fish with no food-handler's permit, etc. etc. etc.
3) So they have him killed.
4) On the third day after Jesus's execution, everyone sees a dramatic illustration that the government can screw up anything.
5) Well, almost everybody sees a dramatic illustration. The two government employees at the scene were both sleeping on the job.
Then there's the article in The Onion entitled "Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department". (Hey, when they stop taking my money, I'll stop using their services.)
What did commies use before they had candles?
Electricity.
Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own stinking business."
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE TURKISH BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN PRISON!
BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U..S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET: A DRIVERS LICENSE A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS AND FREE HEALTH CARE?
Here's British politician Daniel Hannan, on Noah's difficulties with the European Union:
The modern definition of Fascist is someone who is winning an argument with a liberal. - Peter Brimelow
How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Screw in your own damn lightbulb!
How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The Invisible Hand does it for you.
How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
The damn light bulb isn't blown yet ! Why does the government want to hire more people to mess with the damn light bulb ???
How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Libertarians try and try, but they never can change anything.
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations for selling cabbage total 26,911.
"We're from the government and we're here to help."
A libertarian is a conservative who's been busted. A libertarian is a liberal who learned economics.
A performance artist tells his libertarian friend that he is going to perform nude in a city park. When his free market-loving friend seems disturbed the artists asks, "What, are you offended by public nudity?"
The libertarian replies, "No, I'm offended by public parks."
Libertarians favorite salad: Lettuce alone. (Groan....)
A young ardent student joins the communist party.
Party Official: My comrade, do you pledge to give up your riches to help your fellow man?
Student: Of course I do, private capital is the root of all evil.
Party Official: ....and do you promise to give up your home so that party officials can give it to those who need it most?
Student: Of course, the party is the best method to distribute resources to their best use.
Party Official.... and do you promise to give us your car, so that it can be used for the greater good?
Student: Of course. To keep a car for my own use would be selfish.
Party Official: ...and your clothes?
Student: Uhh...I'm not sure what you mean?
Party Official: Say for instance you own multiple tshirts but your comrade is naked?
Student: Well, the problem is....I actually do have two t-shirts.
There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged.
One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.
Here's one of the best Libertarian jokes ever: Republicans believe in limited government, and Democrats believe in civil rights.
Here's Daniel Hannan's joke about Winston Churchill and Clement Attlee:
Hope you enjoyed these. Good luck, John Jay Myers ! ! !
3 comments:
I'm a libertarian and his joke about the black welfare mother was borderline racist and completely prejudical... what an idiot
That border crossing joke doesn't seem very libertarian to me.
A guy goes to get a vasectomy. The nurse takes his vitals then tells him to undress and get on the exam table. He does. She then strips and has her way with him. For over an hour she pleases him in every way, runs thru the kama sutra twice, and throroughly exhausts him. Afterwards he says... "well that was great but what was that about?" She replies, " well research has shown that if a guy ejaculates before a vasectomy he tends to be more relaxed, the surgery goes better, now lets go back to the waiting room and wait for the doctor." Upon returning to the waiting room he see 5 men sitting on the floor all looking at a playboy and masturbating in a circle together. He asks the nurse, "whats your research say about them?!?". She replies, " oh no, that method isnt based on research. You have private insurance, they have obamacare."
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