The Cowboys, The Vikings, The Democrats, and The Republicans

A friend from work got me some tickets for Thursday night's Cowboys/Vikings preseason game. These games, of course, mean nothing. They are an opportunity for each offensive team to play against someone besides their own defense, and vice-versa.

Sam Hurd sprained his ankle in the opening drive, which is a bummer. You don't want to risk good players in a meaningless game. The Special Teams looked like death warmed over. (I played junior high football at North Sunflower Academy in Drew, Mississippi. That qualifies me to comment on these things.)

I always show up at these games armed with a radio. Mrs. Whited Sepulchre (whose father coached high school football in the 1960's) can follow everything without radio commentary, but my mind tends to wander unless I have announcers telling me what I'm seeing.

Placing bets on these games is pointless, because winning isn't the primary objective. The teams are there to try out new players. They want to learn which ones are worth keeping, and which should be cut from the team. Very few NFL teams try new plays during these games. Therefore, they're usually dull.

I switched over to the Democrat National Convention before this game even started, which allowed me to see and hear meaningless events simultaneously. (At one point in all this, I ate a totally bland $7.00 Red Barron Tasteless Pizza, and experienced a nihilistic trifecta of sight, sound, and taste.)

But If I thought the Cowboys/Vikings game was pointless....
Obama was throwing out stuff left and right. "I will lower taxes on...." "I will fight for...." "I will lift up my hands to the heavens, and fix...." "If you have enough faith, you can touch the hem of my garment and the tumors will be gone...." Et cetera. Etc. Etc. et freakin' cetera.

These issues are the Democrats' draft picks for the 2008 election: Change, lower taxes for people like us, getting out of Iraq, Change, cutting out corruption, punishing people who aren't like us with higher taxes, Change, and a charismatic black guy. Most of this stuff won't stick, despite being Focus Grouped, Mall Tested, Photoshopped, and Field Surveyed. And if, for instance, the Democrats' official objection to drilling for oil in Alaska fails to resonate with voters? That proposal will be cut from the team quicker than a 12th round draft pick.

Obama could've come out strong on gay and lesbian marriage, he could've proposed reforming our idiotic drug laws, and he could've said something about bringing the troops home from the 45 nations where we're currently paying them to sit. He didn't mention them, despite those issues being "owned" by the Democrats.


This week, McCain and his new draft pick from Alaska might advocate Free Trade, genuine Free Market agreements, school choice/vouchers, getting the insurance companies and lawyers out of my doctor's office, breaking the lobbyist stranglehold, and cutting the size of government by about 50%. He might mention those issues, but if elected he won't do anything about them, despite those issues being "owned" by the Republicans.
The main reason?
They don't have to.
They can get by with just talking about it. As long as these problems remain out there, unresolved, they're effective wedge issues. What would happen if, for instance, "Morning After" contraception was suddenly available from vending machines? What would that do to our carefully defined political dividing lines if the abortion issue was taken off the table? Can you imagine the chaos? Voters would wander off into different herds.
We've gotten very good at fighting over abortion, and would miss it terribly.
The Dems and Reps know you won't "waste" a vote on anyone else. They want you to think that you have no other choice. (I've stopped using the term "3rd party". I'm now calling the Libertarians a 2nd party. Rep's and Dem's are the first party.)
You're being told that there's a battle going on for the soul of the nation, that all of this is very significant, and that this matters more than who wins American Idol.
That's total horsecrap. This election makes the Cowboys/Vikings preseason game look like The Battle of Thermopylae.
The only battle is for driver's seat. Neither of these groups will change the direction of the car.

The main differences between Thursday's Cowboy's/Vikings preseason game and the Democratic and Republican Conventions?

The football game really did have two different teams on the field.

Go Bob Barr !

Cowboys/Vikings photos from ladybugbkt on Flickr. McCain/Palin from Castro News Network. Obama/Biden from The Holy New York Times.

Happy Labor Day ! ! !

I hope everyone has a safe and happy Labor Day, and comes back to work Tuesday ready to dig a little deeper....

Jim Sullivan doesn't believe any of it.

Jim Sullivan doesn't believe that Barack and Hillary love each other.

Caption this guy's picture

I need a caption for this picture, or the picture that this guy is taking. Take your pick.

Determining last week's winner was a problem, since the committee initially declared that Gar had the best caption. But he'd already won the week before. I had lobbed for Flee winning it, since she logs on from Saginaw, Michigan about 8 times per day just to see what's going on. Fembuttx, of course, is permanently disqualified. However, after consulting with the rules committee, it was decided that Snoopy The Goon was the winner because the bylaws specifically state that no contestant can win for two weeks in a row. If this sounds really confusing, it's because I've been watching the Democrats try to be totally fair to everyone during their convention.

Photo from WorthaLaugh.com

Obama Fatigue

I just finished reading Time and Newsweek. Guess who they're writing about, almost to the exclusion of anything else? And guess who is on the cover for the 8th or 9th time?

Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama there's geeky sexy Barack Obama Omaha for Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack ObamaBarack Obama Barack Obama I can't tell you how much we love Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama there's a thrill up my leg when I hear Obama my sweet sweet Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Obama Obama ObamaObama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama is the name of my next baby Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Look through the prophecies of Nostradamus for references to Barack ObamaBarack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama the transfiguration of Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama overcame hardship Barack Obama Barack Obama Obama Obama Barack Obama Barack ObamaBarack Obama will stop the rise of the oceans Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama and when they were finished with Barack Obama, they talked about Michelle for a while.

Good Lord in Heaven, they're setting this guy up for a Britney Spears/Michael Jackson fall. No human can live up to those expectations.

It's time for everyone to get on board with it. In keeping with the current level of Obama frenzy, I've written a Haiku in the great man's honor. Here goes:

Barack Obama
o yes, Barack Obama !
Barack Obama

I think it's pretty dang good. Next, I shall immortalize the Senator with a limerick:

There was a black Dad and white Mama,
Whose son was "The Chosen", Obama.
He'll keep us all fed,
Heal the sick, raise the dead,
End the war, plus he'll capture Osama.

I haven't had time to compose a sonnet, but it's a long time until November. Someone please email me the appropriate rhyme scheme. I want to convince the Texas A&M marching band to spell out the name Barack Obama at halftime. I want to blast Teddy Roosevelt off Mount Rushmore so we can start chiseling the Christlike visage of Barack Obama in Teddy's place. Let his utterances be bound into the book of Obama, and may it replace the Gospel of Mark (which is kinda weak and non-miraculous) in Holy Scripture. I want to hire a few dozen Tibetan monks to meditate on the sound of the name that men soon will dare not speak aloud: B_____ O____.

In the meantime, Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack ObamaBarack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama I worship the Mama of Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama I love that I'm typing the name Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack ObamaBarack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama I LIVE ON THE SAME PLANET WITH Barack ObamaBarack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack ObamaBarack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama Barack Obama don't we all love us some Barack Obama.

Teaching truth as fact

"In the High and Far-Off Times the Elephant, O Best Beloved, had no trunk. He had only a blackish, bulgy nose, as big as a boot, that he could wriggle about from side to side; but he couldn't pick up things with it. But there was one Elephant—a new Elephant — an Elephant's Child — who was full of 'satiable curiosity, and that means he asked ever so many questions…"
That's the first sentence of "The Elephant's Child" by Rudyard Kipling. It's one of a series called "Just So Stories" that he wrote for one of his daughters. The story is about a baby elephant (full of 'satiable curiosity) who up until that time had only "a blackish, bulgy nose, as big as a boot" and who has his nose stretched by a deceitful crocodile.

And that, dear children, is why elephants have long noses. You can look it up.

Kipling wrote about a dozen of these stories, including:

*How the Whale got his Throat - Explains how the whale was once a fearsome predator who ate humans, but was changed by one of his victims.
*How the Camel got his Hump - Explains how the idle camel was punished.
*How the Rhinoceros got his Skin - Explains why Rhinos have folds in their skin and bad tempers.
*How the Leopard got his Spots - You can guess.....
*The Sing-Song of Old Man Kangaroo - The story of how the kangaroo turned from a grey, wooly animal with short, stubby legs, to the athletic animal we know today.
*The Beginning of the Armadillos - The story of how the hedgehog and the turtle transformed into the first....armadillos.

None of these stories are factual. None of them happened. None should be given equal time in a science textbook.

Some of them, however, contain truth. Not TRUTH, but truth. For instance, the truth in "The Elephant's Child" is that when a gullible person runs into a deceitful person, bad things happen to the gullible person. Or perhaps the truth in the story can be found in the cliche "Curiosity killed the cat".

The Jewish/Christian scriptures also give us some stories. They include:

*Why is there a rainbow? - Genesis 9:12-16. This story explains how God put the first rainbow in the sky, as a promise to never again destroy the earth with a flood. The truth in that story is that even if you live in London, it will eventually stop raining.

*Why do people speak different languages? - Genesis 11:4-8. This story explains what happened when people tried to build a tower (The Tower of Babel) that would reach to heaven, and God put an end to the project by giving everyone a different language. The truth in that story is obvious to anyone who has worked in China for a month.

*Why don't snakes have legs? Why do people have to work? Why does it hurt women to have babies? - Genesis 3:14-19. 1) If snakes had legs, they'd be lobbyists. 2) Obama and Biden are asking that same question. 3) We'd be overpopulated otherwise.

You get the idea. These are stories. Some of them are good. Some of them, like the story of Abraham attempting to sacrifice his son Isaac, are barbaric and should be avoided.

Many Christians obsess over the story found in Genesis 1:26-27 . (Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.) They want to be sure this story gets equal time in science classrooms. They try to influence textbook publishers and purchasing committees. It influences how they vote. They give biology teachers hell. They take the issue to court.

So where are the people who should be protesting against "Godless Linguistics"? Do you remember the chart that was usually in the front of your middle school Grammar and English books? The one that showed all the different families of languages? The chart makes no mention of The Tower Of Babel ! ! ! Where's the outrage? Where are the protesters?

Remember your elementary school science teacher shining light through a prism and explaining the color spectrum? Did he take time to explain that this phenomenom didn't exist before the flood in Genesis? Did he explain that the resulting rainbow was a promise from God, and not a mere reorganization of light? From now on, shouldn't the Genesis Flood Story be given equal time when Optics is taught?

Spinal blocks and epidurals during childbirth are immoral, since they are an attempt to lessen the curse found in Genesis 3. Am I missing something here?

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Fundamentalists are very selective in their protests.

There are some great, great stories in the Jewish and Christian scriptures. Like Kipling's "Just So Stories" they're an attempt at explaining why the world is the way it is. They were the best we could do at the time. When we read them, we should be looking for the truths, not the facts. That's what the person who created them intended.

"When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things." I Corinthians 13: 11

So put down your picket signs. Stop lobbying textbook publishers. Leave the biology teachers alone. Grow up.

Death And Taxes

Someone has put together a chart called "Death And Taxes". It depicts the requested 2008 budget for the federal "discretionary" budget - the amount that is requested by the President, and that has to be approved by Congress each year. It doesn't include Black Holes like Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid (money that is supposed to be supplied by other contributions).
This poster represents 1,075 billion dollars. I have no idea why it's represented as 1,075 billion instead of 1.07 trillion. Maybe numbers become ridiculous when they grow that large, and this is the easiest way for us to digest them.

Click here to see close-ups of the chart. Don't go in there unless you have plenty of time. Don't go in there if you still have sentimental attachments to the Daddy Party (R) or the Mommy Party (D), since those two groups are going to spend this money like drunk cowboys regardless of our current level of debt.

There's a little penny in the bottom right corner of the poster. The penny represents the total budget, not just the discretionary portion. For the 2008 fiscal year, Daddy and Mommy are going to spend 2.902 trillion dollars. They're only going to receive 2.662 trillion dollars. The difference, which will be passed along to the kids in the back seat of the family car, is 239 billion dollars (2% less than last year ! ! !)

The Daddy Party (R) and The Mommy Party (D) can't be trusted with the family car, or the credit cards, or the keys to the liquor cabinet, or staying out of expensive fights with people across town, but they want to keep driving and spending for another four years.

Check out the chart, and ask yourself if you really believe these two groups are ever going to change.

Go Bob Barr (L).

Earliest Known Picture Of Michael Phelps

This is a rare cartoon submission from The Mother Of The Whited Sepulchre.

Press "1" for English (and pay $50.00)

I ran into this all the time in China, where there would be an unspoken Chinese price and a "Barbarian" price.

This is the first time I've seen the English/Spanish variation.

Shouldn't those who have more be asked to pay more? Or does that idea seem kind of offensive?
Discuss amongst yourselves.

Photo from Flikr.